Assumption advice: Think before you speak, and err on the side of civility

What can I say about assumptions that aren’t already obvious to most thoughtful people?  Oh, wait. I am assuming that most people are thoughtful. There I go, making an assumption. It’s easy to see how a person could get into the habit of making gross assumptions. We all do it! Some of us more egregiously, and rudely, than others. 

Top 10 MAJOR assumption faux pas:

1. Don’t assume a married woman has taken her husband’s last name. (Ahem!)
2. Don’t assume someone is (Fill in the blank religion). Right, Wolf Blitzer?
3. Don’t assume someone is (Fill in the blank ethnicity) because of how they look. (Ahem, again!)
4. Don’t assume someone’s (Fill in the blank political party) because of some of the issues they support.
5. Don’t assume everyone you meet has children, or even wants them.
6. Don’t assume all families are the same as yours.
7. Don’t assume a person is financially successful/unsuccessful because of the car they drive or the house they live in.
8. Don’t assume every married couple is happily married.
9. Don’t assume people are as happy as they seem.
10. Don’t assume someone is as healthy as they appear.

This list is the tip of the iceberg of assumptions. Listing every example is beyond the point I am trying to make.

When you get down to it, assumptions often come from ignorance, lack of experience, laziness, and arrogance. Again, we all are guilty of these things, but assumptions can become knee-jerk reactions and responses which severely limit proper analysis of situations to the extent that the person doing the assuming becomes narrow-minded and intolerant.

 It doesn’t matter what race, religion, or political persuasion you lean towards. Assumptions are universal and the people making them come from all walks of life and every corner of the Earth.

Many people like assumptions because they don’t challenge them to consider other points of view or opinions. That’s where arrogance comes into play, and the defenses come up. 

For instance, in the first major assumption I listed about people assuming that a wife has the same last name as her husband, the person making the assumption will defend their error by saying, “Well, of course I assumed her last name was Smith because her husband’s name is John Smith and they seem like a traditional family.”

Aha! They SEEM like a “traditional” family. So, because they seem like something, the assumption is that’s what they must be! Eureka. Not so fast. There are many reasons why a woman might choose to keep her own last name after marriage. Frankly, it’s no one’s business, and she should have to defend it. 

A recent, glaring, example of a serious assumption blunder was when Wolf Blitzer- an educated and seasoned reporter- made a seriously erroneous assumption when speaking to a woman in Oklahoma after the devastating tornado hit her town.

‘He asked if she thanked the Lord for guiding a split-second decision that saved her life during the disaster. Rebecca paused. Smiled. Then admitted: "I'm actually an atheist." ‘

Ouch! That had to hurt. Many detractors were horrified that Wolf would be criticized because he was well-meaning, but in reality he was being thoughtless and inconsiderate. He could have broached the topic in a completely neutral way which would not have assumed that the woman was a spiritual believer. He obviously wasn’t trying to be malicious, and he ended up looking foolish. I will bet good money he never makes THAT mistake again. 

Sometimes it is important to take a step back from the situation and use some extra time to THINK before speaking. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and err on the side of courtesy.

Taking a moment to ponder and assess a situation is so much wiser, kinder, and polite than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Thinking before acting on preconceived notions or perceptions is not only civilized, it helps you from looking like an idiot. Trust me, I have made enough assumptions in my life to write a book. I am far from perfect in this department. 

If you come away from this blog post with anything, let it be this- We ALL make assumptions. Try to minimize them. You may have to get off your high horse and open your mind a bit, but in the end, it may help you save some relationships and your credibility. 

Outraged and Offended? Life is too short to be offended every day

 

I recently read a review and some comments on Twitter about the new film, “Django Unchained” and how the commenter felt OFFENDED that some white people in the audience laughed a little too loudly at certain violent and brutal scenes in the film. – (LONG PAUSE, followed by me sighing.)

 

Okay, let me get this straight- PEOPLE were offended because there was brutality in a Quentin Tarrantino film? WOW! What did they expect? Had they never seen a Q.T. film before? I read, then re-read the piece-(see here) and all I could get from it was how insane we have become about BEING OFFENDED!  I left a comment which said, “Honestly, I am perplexed. That kind of violence should be disturbing ALWAYS, regardless of who the victim is. Don't you think it is universally "inappropriate" to laugh at the pain and suffering of ANYONE, regardless of race???”  I mean, should anyone be offended that a person laughs when someone outside their race gets hurt or is it okay to laugh when someone of your same race gets hurt? What difference does it make? Does that make it racist? I don’t think so.

I’ve come to the conclusion that just about everything in existence has the potential to offend someone. Honestly, I shake my head daily, often multiple times a day, at the incessant whines across television, radio, internet, and print. This one is offended by this, that one is offended by that, and most of the time I can’t understand what the fuss is about.

In order to wrap my little brain around some of the hypocrisy and actual glaring double-standards of the offenses, I often try very hard to put myself in the offended party’s shoes. Once I have done that, it almost always points to the same conclusion- some people enjoy being outraged and offended so they go looking for it. It’s called, “I love being a victim and feeling
oppressed.”

 

There is enough REAL oppression and victimization in the world, so when it is concocted and imaginary, it can really set me off. I have grown weary of listening to the unceasing whines and lamentations of how ___________(fill in the blank) society is.

 

 

Below are the TOP TEN over-used and often exaggerated “offenses” heard in the crowd:

1. Mean, as in “People are so mean! I can’t stand being around mean people!” 

2. Unfair, as in “THAT is really unfair that I didn’t get what I deserve!”

3. Sexist, as in “I am tired of Hollywood being so sexist!”

4. Racist, as in “Everything bad that happens to me is because someone is racist.”

5. Stupid, as in “I can’t stand being around all these stupid people!” (Usually referring to someone who disagrees with them.)

6. Rich, as in “I am disgusted by those rich people. They don’t know what struggles regular people have!”

7. Poor, as in “I am offended that there are people who aren’t able to take care of themselves and need assistance. They need to get a job!”

8. Religion, as in “People who believe in God, or that version of religion, ruin it for the rest of us! They should believe what I do!”

9. Appearance, as in “No one should make fun of anyone because of how they look!”

10. Catch all, as in “I am offended and upset that people don’t agree with me or my lifestyle, and make me feel like I am wrong about everything!”

So, let’s talk about a few of these and let me clarify that I am NOT saying that there aren’t extremely offensive and mean, unfair, sexist, racist, stupid, rich, poor, religious, or unattractive, or WHATEVER, in the world.  My issue is when people go looking for slights and offenses where they don’t actually exist OR they don’t agree with their version of it. Perhaps one should adjust their “offense meter” before voicing their outrage at offenses which aren’t really offensive. And if you don't like it, IGNORE THEM! Get that chip off your shoulder.

When you come right down to it, just about anything can be considered offensive to someone. That is a personal choice and prerogative. I have friends who are very offended by eating meat or killing animals for food. Are they are entitled to their opinion and lifestyle choice? ABSOLUTELY!  Just as much as I have a right to be offended by people who drink too much at parties and make asshats out of themselves.  But to be outraged and offended because different people choose to eat food I don’t or drink alcohol is ridiculous and a bit overblown. If I allow myself to be outraged by everything I disagree with, or don’t do myself, I begin to think and act like a victim.

Life 101: I don’t know how some people missed the epiphany most people have around the age of 30. It’s the one that tells you very clearly that LIFE ISN’T FAIR. It’s never going to be. Some really bad people have lives with really good things, and some really good people get bad things. It is called GROWING UP and GETTING REAL. If you never learn to deal with the fact that life isn’t fair, you will likely become a perpetual whiner and complainer. All I can say is, accept it and get over it. None of us like it, but it is just the way it is.

Life 102: Yes, there are a lot of people in the world who aren’t nice, and for those of us who try to be as nice as we can, we also fail. Niceness is often lost in a sea of fatigue, confusion, self-absorption, chaos, uncertainty, or ignorance. It isn’t personal, it just is.  That isn’t an excuse, it is an explanation.  Again, we don’t have to like it, but if you plan on being successful in life, you’re going to have to toughen up.

Life 103: IT ISN’T ALWAYS PERSONAL or about you! There are situations where people are unkind because they are wrapped up in their own unhappy lives and they have no kindness to spare. And yes, there are people who are cruel, brutal, unjust, nasty, rude, sexist, racist, and every other unpleasant word you can think of. They are often offensive and downright bad. Having to deal with them is toxic and can make a person feel like a victim. BUT when a person chooses to feel victimized by every slight, every mundane act of unkindness or careless comment, they are doing it to themselves and they are not deserving of pity.

My advice is simple. Don’t take offense at everything. Don’t take everything personally. Consider the other person’s motives and perspective. And save offense and outrage for important things.

If a person goes looking for things to be offended by and embraces every opportunity to be the victim of SOMEONE or SOMETHING, they need to get psychological help or a wake-up call. To indulge that sort of masochism is not helpful to the person or anyone else they have to deal with.  

How I survived the Mayan Apocalypse and all I got was this lousy calendar

According to lots and lots of content on the internet and television, some long-dead Mayans supposedly said that the world would end tomorrow, 21 December, 2012. If that’s the case, this may be the last blog post I ever write. I guess I better make it memorable.

But wait, not so fast. I have some news, doomsday devotees. The Mayans may have been very good at many things, but predicting the end of time- not so much.

Is it the end of the world as we know it? Really, who actually believes that the world will end because some ancient Mayans said so thousands of years ago? Apparently a lot more than you would ever have imagined. Seriously. There are people all over the world who have been in a panic for the last few weeks. Some people just can’t resist a juicy conspiracy theory, a cryptic apocalyptic prediction, or the rants of some religious zealot. I suppose those people are either really weak-minded or perhaps they are extremely bored and want some excitement to spice up their dreary lives. I just don’t understand the allure of it all.

Here is what I want to ask those people- Since when did Mayans become experts in prediction? What else do they have to show for their expertise? Excuse me, but isn’t their civilization, uh, extinct? And to be very blunt, if they knew so much, where are they now?

Incredibly, it seems that people all over the world are losing sleep, and their minds, over the “impending doom” and prediction of our collective demise. But the details are a little shady and sketchy.

Before we throw the Mayans under the bus and accuse them of predicting our universal demise, let’s get the story straight. According to a segment on NPR, the Mayan prediction has been played up by the media and is completely wrong and erroneously reported.

Maya expert, Professor David Stuart, of University of Texas at Austin, told NPR, "The Maya never, ever, said anything about the world ending at any time — much less this year. So, it's sort of bizarre to be living through this time right now, when so many people seem to be worked up."

And worked up they have been- for a few years!! So now, Dr. Stuart tells us that there is ANOTHER date predicted. Come on! And why should I believe the Mayans anyway? Look what happened to them. Perhaps if they had been smarter about predicting their own demise, I might have more faith in their predictions.

To be fair, the Mayans aren’t the only ones who have predictions about the end of time. Remember that lunatic Christian guy who said the Rapture was coming; and then it didn’t so he had to recalibrate the date; and then it didn’t happen- AGAIN. Well, he blew his credibility, but it was too late for the hundreds of people who believed him and gave away all of their earthly possessions. ***crickets***   I know. It’s pitiful. For some more apocalyptic stories, check these out- http://www.npr.org/templates/archives/archive.php?thingId=132629051

I guess the long and short of it is that NO ONE truly knows when the world will end. It is baffling to me that people are so intrigued and obsessed with something that is almost entirely out of their control. For goodness sake, worry about the things you CAN control in life and do something about them. Getting wrapped up and actually feeling anxious about something so completely unknowable and without real evidence is, well, a little bit - looking for a nicer word – unstable and childish.

 So chill out, enjoy the final days of 2012, but stop fretting about zombie apocalypses, predictions from ancient civilizations, or doomsday prophets who tell you to sell all your stuff.  The end is NOT nigh. Enjoy being alive for another day and for as many days as you have left!!  If all else fails, STAY CALM and avoid Mayans.

The night Che Guevara kept me from sleeping: Sometimes a T-shirt is more than just a T-shirt

I am tired. I worked hard today and I wanted to go to bed early and get a good night's sleep, but now Che Guevara won’t let me. The last thing I want to do right now is write a blog post, but sometimes  “the muse” isn’t a beautiful young woman or man who inspires your creativity, it is a damned T-shirt sold at an overpriced and over-rated clothing chain, which targets empty-headed 20 somethings.

 

Here’s what the “all-knowing one”, Wikipedia has to say about it-

‘Urban Outfitters has been described as selling hip, kitschy, and ironic merchandise, for example, T-shirts emblazoned with the words "Jive Turkey" or "Atari". They are known for catering to "hipster" culture and fashion, which incorporates an influence from past decades.

According to their website, Urban Outfitters' "established ability to understand our customers and connect with them on an emotional level is the reason for our success."

 The site says that "the reason for this success is that our brands... are both compelling and distinct. Each brand chooses a particular customer segment, and once chosen, sets out to create sustainable points of distinction with that segment" and that "the emphasis is on creativity. Our goal is to offer a product assortment and an environment so compelling and distinctive that the customer feels an empathetic connection to the brand and is persuaded to buy." ‘

And it goes on to have an entire section titled: “Urban Outfitters' products have been the subject of multiple controversies, particularly concerning religious and ethnic issues.” – See the page for more examples of their “clever and hip” clothing items. Excuse me if I don’t find the humor or creativity in hate.

Well, “kitschy and ironic” is no excuse for outright offensive and obnoxious. And if their goal is to offer something “compelling and distinctive”, they have failed epically this time with their new Che Guevara T-shirt.

This isn’t their first controversy, and I loathe giving them attention, as it seems that is part of their marketing “edgy-ness” and makes them feel like they are making some profound political statements or SHOVING free speech down people’s throats. Whatever. It is manipulative and ugly. It isn’t cute and the REAL irony is that people with too much expendable income are spending WAAAAAAAAY too much money on an icon of the Communist “revolution”.

 

 

 

I am not going to go on a political rant about Communism or how it has destroyed the lives of millions and millions of people. I think that has borne out and most of us who live in a free society understand that it is a system which denies people rights and destroys every conceivable remnant of freedom. I have very personal insights into Che Guevara, as my father is a Cuban émigré and that chapter of Cuba’s sad history is part and parcel of my life history. (For another time, when I am not about to drop from exhaustion).

Needless to say, I was heartened to see that a piece was run in the Huffington Post (so much for the liberal media) which was an actual letter, which was written by Thor Halvorssen-  Founder, Human Rights Foundation. In his letter, Mr. Halvorssen states:

“We urge you to consider that the image of Guevara represents tyranny and repression for the millions of people who have suffered under communism. Fifty-three years after Guevara's rise to power, Cuba is still ruled by the Communist party, while all alternative political parties and dissenting civil society groups are outlawed. Any expression of dissent is considered a subversive act, a free press does not exist, and the government regularly imprisons those who speak out. Mr. Marlow, the Cuban government of today, a legacy of Guevara, is the most repressive regime in the Western hemisphere.” 

He goes on to say- “For the sake of the 1.47 billion people still living under the yoke of communist rule, for the sake of the thousands who perished in the Cuban revolution, and for the sake of the 11 million Cubans who still endure a totalitarian system, we hope Urban Outfitters will reconsider its marketing strategy and set a moral example for the apparel industry.”

BOOYAH! 

Bravo, and THANK YOU, for saying it so eloquently and well. NOW I can go to sleep!

 

Even though they butchered his name, how appropriate, this is damned funny!