My Funny Valentine? What's so funny about Valentine's Day?

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I know it is a day loaded with expectations- many unmet, excitement, anticipation, and even DREAD! Valentine's Day is that one day a year when people in love are celebrated with cards, gifts, poems, decorations, candy and songs. 

But let’s start from the beginning. What is this holiday that brings such strong reactions to so many? 

To make a long story short:  

"The 14th of February became a day for all lovers and Valentine became its patron saint. It began to be annually observed by young Romans who offered handwritten greetings of affection, known as Valentines, on this day to the women they admired. With the coming of Christianity, the day came to be known as St. Valentine's Day." - The Holiday Spot

So let’s examine Valentine’s Day and see where it went wrong.

Early Childhood:

Remember when you were a kid, and your class made those red construction paper valentine hearts with the white lace doily edge? That was really FUN! And don’t forget the candy and heart-shaped confections. Valentine’s Day was a great holiday to break up the nasty weather of February. Then things started to get complicated.

The Teen Years:

Once you hit puberty, Valentine’s Day became a bit more drama-rific. There were Valentine’s Day dances, cards, heart-shaped necklaces, boxes of chocolates, secret admirers, flowers and candy grams from pimple-faced young suitors. It was exciting and a little scary. Valentine’s Day was still fun.

The Grown Up Years:

Now is where the “Funny” completely leaves Valentine’s Day and it is a serious business indeed. The song, “My FunnyValentine”, by Rodgers and Hart, is anything but funny. It is actually a melancholy tune, and I can’t detect anything humorous about it. It reminds me of the “darker” side of Valentine’s Day- the broken hearts, the lost loves, the dashed dreams, and rejection. Hardly the right anthem for a day dedicated to lovers. 

For years I dreaded Valentine’s Day. Secretly, I hated it. February 14^th taunted me and seemed to be that one day a year where I hated being single. 364 days a year, I was fine with it and actually enjoyed my independence and freedom, but on that day I felt very lonely.

There are such conflicting messages about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, there is the group (mainly singles) who will preach about how artificial, meaningless, banal, and forced Valentine’s Day is, and will give eloquent speeches about the marvels of the empowering and independent single life. They hate on it mightily, and try to bring it down. Hey, I was one of those people once, and there is no reason to pretend that attitude doesn’t exist. 

On the other hand, there are those (mainly couples in love) who want to revel in the ooey, gooey, lovey dovey side of the day. This group unwittingly drives the stake into the hearts of the first group and may make them feel even worse about the day, because as we all know- misery loves company. If you don’t have a special someone in your life to share the day with, it is hard to be happy and excited for people who do. That’s just human nature.

Now the third group are those people who fall somewhere in between. They are either couples who just don’t “feel” the need to celebrate their love or relationship in the middle of February. Also, there are single people who have lots of fun celebrating the IDEA of LOVE without having to be in a relationship with one special person. Hey, whatever works! 

Personally, after spending many, many Valentine’s Days alone, some of them happier than others; I am ecstatic to have my husband to share it with. He’s not as enraptured with it as I am, but bears the strain as a testament to his love for me.

Valentine’s Day is like many holidays, you feel some of them more than others. Some people LOVE Halloween, others- not so much. The most important thing to remember is not to get completely wrapped up in something that only happens one day a year. 

So my advice to single people, please don’t hate on Valentine’s Day! No reason to have angst and misery on February 14^th, and begrudge those who enjoy the day feel it isn’t a nice holiday. Single people can enjoy Valentine’s Day, or they can just ignore it.

My advice for couples- once a year you have a day designated especially for people in love, so why waste a great chance to make your special someone feel loved and appreciated by making Valentine’s Day really nice. Oh, and that doesn’t mean the rest of the year you don’t have to do nice things for your sweetheart. 

So for all who love- HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! Enjoy it with someone special, even if that person is you!

For the love of dog: It’s the size of the heart that matters

WARNING:  This post may overwhelm you with sappy, sugary, sweetness. I unapologetically state that I will gush and brag and proclaim all kinds of sweet love for my little pooch. If you aren’t a dog lover, this post is NOT for you. Keep moving on and read some of my other posts.

I love my dog!  I mean, I really, really love him. His name is Angus, and he is my little, eight pound bundle of miniature poodle sweetness. He is the smallest dog I’ve ever had, as the other dogs in my life, two German Shepherds and a mixed breed, were giants compared to this little dynamo. 

I used to love the big breeds. They just appealed to me because of their physical presence and noble look. I had a few amazing dogs- smart, sweet, and very protective. But five years after the last one passed away, I decided I needed a change. I decided to go with a small dog, one that was easier, more portable, and required less maintenance.

I certainly wasn’t aware of how much personality, exuberance, and joie de vivre a little dog can bring to a family! Maybe it is because my children are now grown and this little guy is so affectionate and adoring!! Sometimes I feel like he will burst with love for all of us. He has such a great temperament- never fussy, grouchy, or unhappy, and has connected with us in a way I have never experienced. My previous dogs were all very obedient and sweet- but Angus is by far the sweetest little fellow, and we just adore him. Pound for pound, he really gives an incredible amount of love and positive energy!

Often people will make judgments and assumptions about you when they hear what size or breed of dog you own. People, who have small dogs, or purse dogs, must be stuck up or snobby. OR they assume people who own big dogs are trying to prove something or are seeking to intimidate.

While there may be some truth to those stereotypes, and when I was one of those “big dog” people I thought little dogs were rather pointless and prissy, I now know that I was very wrong and I am more than happy to admit it. My dog is not prissy or pointless at all. And he is, by the way, an excellent watch dog.

The fantastic thing about having the great universe of different types of dog is it gives people so many options and choices when making a selection. The decision to bring a dog into a family is a big one. It is important to know how a dog will impact your home life and how it is a commitment that will last many, many, years. Being a responsible and thoughtful owner is an enormous responsibility - emotionally and physically, and is not something to be done without careful consideration and planning.

Many people are afraid of, or intimidated by, large dogs- so small dogs are perfect for them. Others find large dogs to be a better physical and psychological fit for their lifestyle or family situation, and there are plenty of choices for them.

Regardless of their size or breed, dogs can bring indescribable happiness and love to a family. If you’ve never experienced it, you’ve truly missed out on one of the greatest relationships imaginable.

Having owned large dogs for so many years, it was a transition and adjustment to get used to living with a little guy. At first, I was terrified I would step on him! But now that I have had him for almost two years, our anniversary is 31 October; I can say that I am thrilled by the experience.  

 

Angus is energetic, but not hyper, and while his bark is rather shrill (this is the one and only thing I would have opted out of) it is a small price to pay for all the other great things about him. And remember; don’t judge a dog, or a book, by its size. Don’t assume you know the full story by how big or small it is.

In defense of the smaller breed- first of all, small dogs are so much easier in many important ways. The best part is that they take up far less real estate. I am amazed by how I once managed three kids and TWO big dogs- but in those days, the house was chaotic and rambunctious anyway, so it was “the more the merrier!”  

 Now that I am older, and far less rambunctious, I am enjoying a dog who doesn’t take up as much space in my small house. The second, and possibly greatest, thing about a miniature poodle is that he doesn’t shed. That is a huge bonus for those who find dog hair bothersome.

 

And finally, for the first time in my life, I now sleep with a dog on the bed. I would not have considered this if he was a breed that shed, and I never had my German Shepherds sleep with me because there would have been no room at all. Luckily, in this case, it is a perfect fit- small dog, no hair! A win- win situation.

At night, Angus is very well-behaved and doesn’t ever disrupt my sleep. If anything, he is cuddly and considerate, and it is actually very enjoyable having him next to me.

Cafe Press website

The other day, my four year old granddaughter- who lives with us with my daughter- was holding Angus on her lap. She clutched him tightly and proclaimed, “Angus, I love you. You’re my best friend.”  I dare you not to have a lump in your throat imagining that tender scene.  And Angus just looked back at her adoringly, even though she was holding him very tightly, and licked her little face. I think about the two of them, growing up together, and how in the past two years they have truly become the best of friends.

While he may not have the same presence as my German Shepherds as a watch dog or the ability to command the same kind of respect from people on the street- he is as loyal and loving and sweet as any beloved dog I’ve ever owned.

Angus brings something to our family that is simple and universal. It is pure LOVE, without motives or agendas. He loves us unconditionally and completely and is never ashamed to show it or too tired or grumpy or distracted to make us feel it. He trusts us and looks to us for approval, affection, companionship, and guidance. WE know we are the most important thing in his little world, and that is a truly amazing feeling, and what having a dog is all about.

Did I mention how much I LOVE MY DOG?

The ridiculous and maddening world of the arrogant asshat: Learning to deal with difficult people

                                                                   " It's all about me!"

Lately I have the distinct feeling that there has been an arrogant asshat population explosion! They are all around us- in real life, on television, in cyberspace, and our own families. One thing is sure, if you have to deal with an arrogant asshat, your quality of life can be greatly altered. BUT the good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

“The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind.” -  Albert Camus

 

 

Arrogance goes beyond being assertive, pushy, or even cocky. Arrogance is that over the top expectation a person has which causes them to act as if the world must bend to their opinion, will, and belief about everything, without question or hesitation. Whether the arrogant asshat in your life is male or female, young or old makes no difference. Dealing with that type of individual is truly one of the most unpleasant and frustrating situations in life.

Definition of ARROGANCE

: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

The older I get, the less patience I have for arrogant asshats. Where do they get off thinking the world is going to bow to them? What causes a person to become so self-absorbed and full of themselves? Is it nature, nurture, or a combination of both? Is there an “asshat gene”?  Science was never my forte, but I suppose there could be arguments for both theories. All I know is that I have the ANTI-asshat gene.

 

“Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

I am currently struggling with some WORLD CLASS ARROGANT ASSHATS in my life. I am not about to allow my precious peace of mind and happiness be polluted by the toxic miasma they give off.

Life is too short to waste a minute of it fretting and obsessing over the attitudes and actions of others. Heaven knows I, and most everyone, have far better uses for my time and energy. My suggestion, and advice, for dealing with arrogant asshats is as follows:

1. IGNORE as best you can.

2. If ignoring fails, minimize contact, reactions, attention- because they do LOVE the attention.

3. Realize that most arrogant asshats are truly bitter, sad, miserable, lost souls. I am not saying you have to feel sorry for them, just know that is what usually fuels their arrogance.

4. NEVER let them see you sweat.

5. Living well is always the best revenge. Your happiness is the antidote to their power. If you let their arrogance and superior attitude beat you down- THEY WIN.

6. NEVER let an arrogant asshat win. EVER!

7. Pick your battles with arrogant asshats. They love to fight, don’t engage.

8. If you have to “fight”, don’t give up the moral high ground. Arrogant asshats love to drag others into their cesspool. It makes them feel righteous.

9. If you happen to be related to an arrogant asshat, do the best you can. We can’t pick our families, so it is important to develop great powers of detachment and a sense of humor.

10. LAUGH at them. Laughter can really help deflect their ridiculous pomposity and sense of entitlement. After all, it is truly absurd to be a spoiled three year old in the body of an adult.

 

 

A very good article on the topic was featured in the Washington Post in 2011, called “The fine line between confidence and arrogance”.  Written by someone far smarter and more eloquent that I, I have highlighted the best advice from the piece:

If you find that you are guilty of some the behaviors above, rethink your approach and keep your ego in check:

• Instead of bragging about your personal achievements, find a way to spotlight someone else’s work. Consider talking up team triumphs.

• During interviews or when interacting with a recruiter, be careful not to interrupt and listen carefully to the questions asked before responding.

• Transform your arrogance into self-confidence by showing vulnerability — be willing to share past mistakes, limitations and fears.

• Be humble.

• Have the courage to discuss opposing ideas without being judgmental.

• Seek out learning partners and trusted colleagues and ask them for honest feedback. Where do they perceive you along the confidence-arrogance continuum? If they say that you come across as haughty at times, learn which behaviors give this impression.

• Finally, understand how confidence is expressed in the culture in which you’re working (modesty is valued in many Asian cultures, so you’ll want to tone it down a bit when interacting with Japanese employers and colleagues).

Blog and social media faux pas- the nasty business of too much information

 

I like to read blogs, and I read lots of them. I will read a blog about almost anything. I enjoy seeing how others write and the topics they find interesting. There are, however, a few topics I find quite upsetting and discouraging.

Last year, I wrote a blog piece called, “Crazy bloggers” may think their content is popular, but it’s all about schadenfreude”.

In that post, I described some examples of blogs and blog content that really set me off.  As I always point out, people can write whatever they want- it’s a free country. Unless you are breaking a law by posting something illegal or fraudulent, the first amendment protects free speech. Having given that disclaimer, I also like to remind a person that just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean it is a good or ethical idea.

   I am often offended and outraged by blogs that contain “TMI” or too much information. The information is almost always about OTHER PEOPLE.
A few examples:

1.       A blogger, male or female, who writes about their experiences on dating sites, or intimate relationships in general.

2.      Bloggers who share overly detailed accounts, and extremely personal things, about their children or family members (often without considering their feelings).

3.      Blogs that have a completely negative or unkind agenda.

4.      Any blog that’s sole existence is to shame, humiliate, and put down others.

  People write blogs for many reasons. I would venture to say that there is something for everyone in the blogosphere. I know that my tastes differ from other people’s taste. Variety is a good thing and gives audiences the ability to choose what they enjoy reading. That is one of the most incredibly valuable and wonderful things about blogs. Real people (hopefully), telling real stories about their lives, their interests, their opinions, and their thoughts. All those things have great potential for good, and bad.

As a writer, a blogger, and a human being, I have the right to voice my opinion about topics I feel are really inappropriate and should be omitted from blogs. I am not endorsing censorship! I am merely attempting to point out that too much personal information, especially about others, is unfair and unkind.

To explain, to begin with, I have never been a fan of internet dating sites. I know there are a percentage of people who have met their spouse or significant other on one. They should consider themselves fortunate.

 In my humble opinion, and limited experience, most people I know and have heard of, have had more negative than positive experiences. The “formulas” don’t really work very well for matching people up; especially when a huge percentage of people, male AND female, lie about themselves and misrepresent their information. But that is another blog post all together.

How it fits into the blog issue is really unfortunate. The situation, as I see it time and again, is the rehashing of the dates on people’s blogs, or social media sites. I find this behavior truly abhorrent. It isn’t funny or cute to betray someone’s private details or information.

Even though many people blog “anonymously”, and that too is another blog post, and they assume that there is a level of “privacy” in their anonymity. They need to think again. The internet offers no true privacy and everything that is written should be considered as public as the front page of The Washington Post.

Seeing people rant, whine, criticize, and complain about the people they have met on dating sites, or blind dates, or whatever kind of date on their blogs- makes my skin crawl. It is a behavior I find incredibly cruel and repulsive.

Dating can be a humiliating experience. Not all dates have happy outcomes. It can take years of dating to find the “right” person. A few light remarks about the incompatibility or precariousness of the dating scene could be a good blog post. Ripping apart individuals met on failed dates, and calling out all the horrible details, is not cute or clever. It is nasty and it is mean.

I wonder if “funny, snarky, cool, blogger” would appreciate being called out in public on their bad teeth, frizzy hair, or the goofy way they do whatever it is that they do on a date, which  is now being read in a PUBLIC forum. I surely wouldn’t. It is mean-spirited, arrogant, and cheap to set up dates with people and then write personal and unflattering things about them in a blog. And to be clear, even if the information was flattering, what happens on a date should be between the two people- not the rest of the world.

It seems ironic to me that these bloggers think t they are so perfect and wonderful that they have the right to spill personal things about another person, they set up to meet on the internet, through a paid dating site. One might wonder, if they were so fabulous, why they are using a dating site to begin with. But I digress.

Anytime a blogger starts to rely on extremely personal information about other people in order to produce content or entice readers, I am keen to shun that blog and discount the author.

Which brings me to my next set of gripes about bloggers who use their blogs to humiliate, criticize, or gripe about anything and everything. There is no end to the negativity in these blogs. Their sole focus and reason for existing is to run down all that is wrong with the world, the nation, “those people”, and everything under the sun.

Obviously, all bloggers have posts that can have negative or critical material. I’m not speaking of that scenario. Balancing positive, negative, and neutral posts is the sign of a great blogger. Having a wide breadth of knowledge and opinions shows that the blogger is intelligent and versatile.

 I am referring to blogs that solely and exclusively focus on negative and critical content. It becomes shrill and boring after a while. I don’t enjoy reading things that consistently bring me down.

I realize many bloggers, and some authors, have gained fame and sometimes fortune from writing about really awful things. Fine. Good for them. I guess if that is what drives their boat, ROCK ON.

There is a truly awful guy, who I shall not name, who has dedicated his life to writing a blog, books, and even a cheapo movie, about his sexual exploits. If the devil is in the details, he has a one way ticket to the 4^th ring of Hell. He writes, in EXCRUCIATING and mind-numbing detail, about all the women he has supposedly slept with in his life. I am not a prude, and I confess I have enjoyed the “Sex in the City” series, but this “writer” is a narcissistic monster. And I might sadly add, wildly popular. But then again, so is porn. (Yet another blog topic for another time.)

So I see a lot of fantastic, clever, amazing blogs. I also see a great deal of rubbish. I would ask my fellow bloggers to consider what they are putting “out there” in the world. You don’t have to be all flowers, sunshine, puppies, and lollipops. NO! I am not saying that is the right path either.

Be honest, be real, be authentic and share, but have and know the limits of decency and boundaries. The whole world doesn’t need to know all the most personal and intimate details of anyone’s life, especially when you are offering up the personal details of the lives of others. And for the record, the internet IS the whole world. I have a dashboard on my blog that proves that fact. I have views from every country you can think of. Places I didn’t think there was internet access!

If you want to tell a great story about something personal, think about the other person. Would they want those details to be known by EVERYONE? Is divulging personal information about another person, without their consent or prior knowledge, a good or beneficial means of telling YOUR OWN story?

Writing very personal and potentially embarrassing information about one's own family, especially minor children, is really unfair. It may be a great story, but telling certain things in a public setting or platform can cross a line.

In summation, I want to say that I admire and love reading things about people, their lives, their hopes and dreams, their families. There are ways to tell these stories and share the truths in a respectful and modest way.

Modesty has become a nasty word to many people. It almost has a negative spin, but I think it is something that more bloggers should embrace. Err on the side of modesty. Don’t go for the easy or lazy attention or views by exposing the personal lives of others. Be creative and be clever, but try not to do so at the expense of others.  

Loyalty shouldn't be blind, deaf, or dumb: The danger of the "true believer"

LOYALTY

It is a word that is thrown around very lightly, but what does it really imply?

loy·al
adj

Definition of LOYAL

1
: unswerving in allegiance: as a : faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government b : faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due c : faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product

2
: showing loyalty

3

obsolete : lawful, legitimate

Related to LOYAL

Synonyms: constant, dedicated, devoted, devout, down-the-line, fast, good, faithful, pious, staunch (also stanch), steadfast, steady, true, true-blue

 Antonyms: disloyal, faithless, false, fickle, inconstant, perfidious, recreant, traitorous, treacherous, unfaithful, untrue

- From Merriam-Webster

                                                                Chinese symbol for Loyalty

Whether it is to spouse, family, country, state, faith, political party, or any other person, place, or thing- I often wonder, how “loyal” is loyal enough? 

We live in an age where very few things last forever and vows are not taken as seriously as they once were. The statistics tell us that more than half of all marriages will end in divorce; and all you have to do is read the disturbing statistics on incidences of marital infideltiy to know what loyalty means to some people.

The Latin word for loyalty is Fidelis. That is the root word for FIDELITY. Obviously, most married people expect their spouse to be loyal to them in regards to being mutually exclusive within their own relationship. Infidelity in a marriag involves lying and deception.

But the type of "loyalty" I am speaking of doesn't have anything to do with the relationship between a husband and wife. I am refering to the concept of loyalty in relation to beliefs and institutions.

So what does "loyalty" mean in 2012? I suppose that depends on an individual person’s character and their dedication and love for whatever it is they are loyal to. You will often hear people RANK the order of their loyalty.

“First, God, then my family, then the New York Yankees.”  Or whatever it is in their life that they given their loyalty.

 So, does that mean the person isn’t a good American if they didn’t rank the U.S. in their top three? And what about their school? Are they loyal to their Alma Mater? Why did family rate SECOND? Does that mean they don’t love their family the most?

Clearly there are issues with loyalty and what comes first, and what it says about a person. We judge people by what they are loyal to and what is most important to them. We admire people who show devotion and honor and dedicate themselves to a cause or institution. It shows that they have character.But does it always, or is there something darker? Is loyalty ever a bad thing, and can it be twisted to support things that are wrong or broken?

There is a lot of chatter on the internet. If you haven’t already experienced that phenomenon, just go and read the comments under any controversial, or not so controversial, news articles or commentary. This person is accusing that person of not being “loyal” or a “good enough” fill in the blanks, because they disagree with them.

“When we are debating an issue, loyalty means giving me your honest opinion, whether you think I'll like it or not. Disagreement, at this stage, stimulates me. But once a decision has been made, the debate ends. From that point on, loyalty means executing the decision as if it were your own.” - Colin Powell

 

As everyone who knows me is well aware, I am a very vocal supporter of the military and their families. Working for the Department of Defense, Army, and VA for many years has solidified my respect and concern for that cause. My husband is a Veteran and we live in a city where you can’t throw a rock without hitting someone who has served at one time or another. I believe it is a noble and honorable calling and I admire the values the military stands for.

Having said that, I have been accused at times of not being an ardent or loyal supporter because I don’t blindly support or defend situations and actions that have occurred within the military. That is always hurtful and disappointing, because I consider myself extremely loyal.

For some people, loyalty must be blind and without the slightest word of criticism or dissent. I am terrified by the true believer- One who is deeply, sometimes fanatically devoted to a cause, organization, or person. I can't fathom how a person isn't able to allow questioning or dissent in any situation. Blind loyalty is dangerous and empty.

“Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it”. - Mark Twain

 

“My loyalty to my party ends where my loyalty to the country begins.” - Manuel L. Quezon

So let’s exchange the scenario I just described and insert any other “thing” in our lives that we pledge loyalty to. Spouse? Family? Church? Country? Team? Friend? Party? Fraternity? Employer?

The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other. – Mario Puzo, The Family

 

Does loyalty mean I can never question or disagree with the thing to which I have given my loyalty to? Am I never permitted to voice concern or doubt? Does that make me disloyal; or worse, does it make me dishonorable?

Think of times when you have felt that someone was disloyal or betrayed you because they broke trust or let you down. When I think of times in my own life when people I really love let me down and I felt like I had lost their loyalty, it was incredibly painful. It is a very bad feeling.

So where do we draw the line? There is a huge difference in being disloyal to someone or something and having differences of opinion or concerns. I can love someone, but not love their actions. I can be loyal to something and still have opinions which are negative or critical.

  

The loyalty part is the devotion and the fidelity. I love my country and will never turn my back on it. I may disagree with what is going on, but that doesn’t mean I will move away if they elect someone I don’t like. Loyalty doesn’t mean blind and ignorant obedience or mindless adherence. Loyalty shouldn't require a person to go against their values or bend to the will of another without mutual respect or consideration. That kind of dysfunctional loyalty is how tyrants grab power and people lose their basic human rights.

“Sometimes party loyalty asks too much” - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Disagreeing with one's government, church, or spouse is not betrayal or disloyalty. Seeking to improve or heal division or disagreement is healthy. Pretending to accept and even love something that is broken or dysfunctional is not honorable. Blind and ignorant devotion to a cause or entity is empty and pointless. It is a loving act to seek to work towards a better atmosphere or condition. It is the most unloving and dishonorable act to excuse or ignore anything that could potentially hurt others or one's self.

 “It seems we are capable of immense love and loyalty, and as capable of deceit and atrocity. It's probably this shocking ambivalence that makes us unique.”

- John Scott

 

Think twice, or ten times, before accusing someone of disloyalty, whether it be to country, church, Soldiers or Veterans. It is fine to have a personal opinion, but when it comes to loyalty, unless you know the contents of that person's heart and soul, you should keep your opinion to yourself. Questioning a person's loyalty to their country, their family, or their principles is dangerous territory. Let your conscience be your guide, but don't try to guide the conscience of another.