2015 Reflections: I've come a long way!

In thinking about the new year, and everything that is going on in my life right now, I honestly can't believe how far I have come in the last 5 years.

2010 was a HUGE turning point in my life, for many reasons, on many levels.I have learned some really tough, often heartbreaking lessons along the way, but I feel wiser, stronger, better, and more together than any time in my life. Things that used to really upset me, hurt me, and give me heartache no longer matter one iota. THAT is freedom and emotional liberation! 

I can honestly say I am really proud of what I have accomplished in all aspects of my life- what I have learned and the progress I have made. Often I felt discouraged, and it has been very hard work, but I am seeing so many fruits of my labors at this time. It feels REALLY good to be in this place right now. I am so indebted and thankful to all who helped me get here. (THEY know who they are!!!) I am even thankful for those "challenging" individuals who made my life difficult and who hurt me, BECAUSE I overcame and triumphed, IN SPITE OF THEM!

For those who get discouraged and feel like things will never improve/change, BELIEVE ME- they can! Persevere, stay true to yourself, work hard, and ASK FOR HELP! It may not turn out EXACTLY how you once hoped, but you may be pleasantly surprised that it turned out great in spite of what you had initially hoped for! Stay open to changes, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, take chances, and believe in yourself!

Peace in 2015! 

My midnight confession: I have biases, but so do you

I have a confession to make. I have strong biases, preferences, and opinions. So shoot me. If you're going to claim you don’t have your own preferences and biases, you’re a liar. WE ALL DO!

Let me give an example of something, a real story that happened to me when I was a teenager, which has stuck with me all my life. It was, as they say, a pivotal moment in my life.

When I was in high school, there was a girl who hated my guts. It was the oddest thing. I barely knew her, but she would scowl at me every day and it finally got to a point where she was physically threatening me. Now, what makes this an almost hilarious vignette is that I went to an all-girl, Catholic high school, in Alexandria, Virginia, in the 1970s. 

There weren’t many fights in this school. To my knowledge, there was never one. So one particular day, this girl voiced her dislike towards me, and my friend who was with me straight out asked her why she disliked me so much. She answered, “I don’t know, there’s just something about her.” Well, that was a real eye-opener for a 15 year old girl!!  SHE didn’t even KNOW what it was about me; she just knew she didn’t like it. Fair enough. She didn’t HAVE to like me. But, she wasn’t supposed to beat my ass either. Lesson: We ALL have biases towards people, things, ideas, opinions, and everything else under the sun. Sometimes they don’t make sense, even to the person feeling them!

You can’t force people to like the same things, believe the same things, or feel the same things. I pray there is never a day when there are laws that FORCE anyone to act exactly the same way. At that point, we will live in a tyrannical state that enforces emotions, character, and thoughts.

A lack of individuality would truly make life dull and colorless. Diversity in life is part of what makes things interesting and vibrant. But the problems arise when people become offended or threatened when some individuals voice their dislike or lack of appreciation for the things they like. For instance, I don’t like the “Honey Boo Boo” show. 

Am I an urban snob because I can’t relate to the people in the show? Does it make me an elitist because I prefer to hear the English language spoken in a certain way? Am I a bad person because I don’t like NASCAR? I also don’t like professional football, does that make me un-American?  

We all have our personal preferences and styles. I love my daughter dearly, but she and I rarely agree on anything when we go shopping. We have our own tastes and style. That’s okay! Wouldn’t it be boring if everyone liked exactly the same clothing? They tried that in China under Chairman Mao and it really didn’t work out very well.

 Here is a list of 20 things I will never like, no matter how much I am pressured or forced by “popular opinion”:

1. Cheerleaders- I don’t get it, despite being lectured on its merits.

2. Fanatics- I don’t care what your cause is, if you are a fanatic, you’ve lost me.

3. Fakes/phoneys- This is self-explanatory. Also falls under the category- Shit talkers.

4. Sororities- Again, not a fan. No amount of explanation is going to change my mind.

5. Onions- Offensive smell and taste PLUS I suspect I am allergic.

6. Winter- Depressing, cold, and dark. Need I say more?

7. Poor grammar- Spoken or written. Even what you may consider cute slang.

8. Dirty fingernails- In 2013, in a country that has hot water and soap, this is hard to fathom.

9. Bad breath- It’s gross. Classified under poor hygiene.

10. Drunk people, especially when they are loud and yell “WOO HOO!”

11. Tailgaters- but not the kind that have delicious food on them.

12. Beauty Pageants- I think they are an anachronism and have never understood their appeal.

13. Porn- No, I’m not a prude, but I find most porn offensive and dehumanizing.

14. Double standards- If you don’t want someone to do it to you, don’t do it to them. It’s simple.

15. Clowns- They’re creepy. Nothing fun or delightful for me.

16. Snakes- I find them terrifying and unpleasant. Also in this category are other creepy crawlies.

17. Bad manners- Be polite and gracious as possible. Even if you don’t like it.

18. Bullies- Picking on people who are weaker, smaller, and less powerful makes you a bully.

19. Yellow- I’ve never liked that color, and it looks terrible on me.

20. Roller coasters- Terrifying and nauseating. At the same time.

So, in the course of this list, I promise you I have OFFENDED someone and have now exposed myself as the biased person that I am. I have trampled on an item or even a few items that another person probably LOVES!!! 

Does that make me a terrible person? Am I am intolerant, discriminating, meanie because I don’t like… snakes, roller coasters, clowns, sororities… you get the picture. Am I a snob because I don’t care for poor grammar, or bad hygiene? Am I a bad person because I take issue when someone treats me a certain way, but they expect me to treat them better? 

Freedom of thought and feeling is a beautiful thing. To deny a person their RIGHT to FEEL a certain way is oppressive. Denying them certain actions, like beating their child, or driving while intoxicated, or endangering the public, is not only important it is morally correct.

We are NOT entitled to do anything we FEEL, but we ARE entitled to have our own personal feelings and opinions. Hopefully, and for their own sake, a person’s thoughts and feelings will be in sync with their community, family, and friends. Otherwise,they will be a lonely outsider.

There are groups and sections of the country that are very, very, different. Our differences can cause us to have misunderstandings and a lack of respect. That’s fairly normal and predictable. Is it intolerance if I don’t like all the things another person does? Of course not. 

If you are my co-worker, which means we are both PAID to work in the same place, you must treat me in accordance with the rules and regulations of our place of employment and you should treat me professionally and courteously. If you don’t, you’re a rude, unprofessional, jerk. Unless this annoys our boss, you will probably get away with it.

We all have to live with things we don’t like- and accept differences of taste, opinion, and the pursuit of happiness. It is unrealistic to think we will agree with everyone we meet on every topic or choice.

Trying hard to be civil and striving to find commonalities and things we do agree on is the only way to stay sane and keep some humanity. But I will never accept anyone who will try to make me like professional wrestling or video games. I have a God-given right to NOT wear the color orange, and will never bend my will to say “y’all” or “ain’t.”  

I know I am not perfect, but I know what I like and what I don’t like. I am not forcing my likes on anyone else, so they don’t have the right to force their likes on me. As long as we are mutually civil, respectful, and law-abiding, we should be able to coexist and live mutually satisfying lives.   

If you now don’t want to be my friend or keep my company, that’s your choice and opinion. You don’t have to like me, agree with me, or think I am pretty or smart or funny. You don’t have to live in my neighbor, or read my blog. THAT is what is so great about America. We all have choices. And isn’t that a miraculous blessing!

Breaking up with my uterus: Hysterectomy here I come

I know that is an attention grabbing header for a blog post but really, what’s the point in being coy? I promise this won’t be overly graphic or inappropriate, though some might argue that even bringing up the topic is wholly inappropriate. Honestly, it is a major milestone in my life and important enough to be recognized.

                                                             Yes, this is a cake!

Next week I am having a hysterectomy. After years of pain and other obnoxious health issues, my doctors have advised me to consider parting ways with my uterus. It seems the benefits of “staying together” are outweighed by the ongoing health issues it is causing me. 

May years ago, women weren’t empowered enough to discuss “female problems” in mixed company. But let’s face it- it’s 2013 and commercials for drugs to treat male erectile dysfunction and prostrate problems are commonplace. So why not talk about a procedure which a huge percentage of women have each year? It’s nothing to be ashamed of or feel uncomfortable about. It is a procedure which saves women’s lives and gives many of them a new lease on life. I am fortunate not to be having a hysterectomy due to cancer. I’ve been putting it off for many years but now the time has come for a change.

I am not going to get into all the medical jargon or the particulars of the surgery. You can look it up on the internet if you really feel compelled to know. I will only speak to my feelings and thoughts on entering a new uterus-free chapter of my life and the mixed emotions that accompany it. 

First and foremost, I would like to thank my uterus for being instrumental in giving me my three wonderful children. I will be forever grateful to my uterus for accepting and nurturing my embryonic children and giving them the opportunity to grow to full term.

                                         The three fruits of my womb

Unfortunately, besides reproductive function, my uterus has been a handful. So we have to break up. It’s time. I have waited patiently, and tried everything I could think of to make it work between us, but nothing has been successful. It’s for the best. Our time has passed, and I just don’t need you anymore. No hard feelings, nothing personal. It’s just the way it has to be.

The other day I was talking to my physician about the procedure and I have to confess, I got a little choked up. That may sound a little hormonal, so I will try to explain what was going through my head at the time.  

My uterus and I began our real partnership 33 years ago, when I had my first child at the age of 17. Many people don’t know that fact about me, and I am certainly not ashamed of it. So you see, I first began my relationship with my uterus when I was pregnant with my first son. I have three children and all of them were delivered by doctors in the same practice, the one I have been going to for the past 33 years. At the time my last child was delivered, there were three male doctors and one female doctor. All three of my children were delivered by the male doctors, which was not planned but just the luck of the draw. Guess who will be performing my hysterectomy? The female doctor. She will be the one who will close out the chapter of my reproductive life. The circle will be complete. The other three doctors delivered my precious children, and the final doctor is the one who will be delivering me from my ongoing issues with my uterus.

                                                            Me, with my uterus, at 17

I hope it doesn’t seem flippant or disrespectful to break up with my uterus, and for that matter, to write about the break up. It has been a long time coming. I honor the time we’ve shared- our ups and downs, and good times and bad. Just like any other relationship that has ceased to be beneficial or productive, our time has come to part.

Farewell, dear uterus. I can’t say I will miss you, but I honor you and the fruits you have given me. I am looking forward to life without you and the start of a new and exciting chapter of my life. 

My Funny Valentine? What's so funny about Valentine's Day?

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I know it is a day loaded with expectations- many unmet, excitement, anticipation, and even DREAD! Valentine's Day is that one day a year when people in love are celebrated with cards, gifts, poems, decorations, candy and songs. 

But let’s start from the beginning. What is this holiday that brings such strong reactions to so many? 

To make a long story short:  

"The 14th of February became a day for all lovers and Valentine became its patron saint. It began to be annually observed by young Romans who offered handwritten greetings of affection, known as Valentines, on this day to the women they admired. With the coming of Christianity, the day came to be known as St. Valentine's Day." - The Holiday Spot

So let’s examine Valentine’s Day and see where it went wrong.

Early Childhood:

Remember when you were a kid, and your class made those red construction paper valentine hearts with the white lace doily edge? That was really FUN! And don’t forget the candy and heart-shaped confections. Valentine’s Day was a great holiday to break up the nasty weather of February. Then things started to get complicated.

The Teen Years:

Once you hit puberty, Valentine’s Day became a bit more drama-rific. There were Valentine’s Day dances, cards, heart-shaped necklaces, boxes of chocolates, secret admirers, flowers and candy grams from pimple-faced young suitors. It was exciting and a little scary. Valentine’s Day was still fun.

The Grown Up Years:

Now is where the “Funny” completely leaves Valentine’s Day and it is a serious business indeed. The song, “My FunnyValentine”, by Rodgers and Hart, is anything but funny. It is actually a melancholy tune, and I can’t detect anything humorous about it. It reminds me of the “darker” side of Valentine’s Day- the broken hearts, the lost loves, the dashed dreams, and rejection. Hardly the right anthem for a day dedicated to lovers. 

For years I dreaded Valentine’s Day. Secretly, I hated it. February 14^th taunted me and seemed to be that one day a year where I hated being single. 364 days a year, I was fine with it and actually enjoyed my independence and freedom, but on that day I felt very lonely.

There are such conflicting messages about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, there is the group (mainly singles) who will preach about how artificial, meaningless, banal, and forced Valentine’s Day is, and will give eloquent speeches about the marvels of the empowering and independent single life. They hate on it mightily, and try to bring it down. Hey, I was one of those people once, and there is no reason to pretend that attitude doesn’t exist. 

On the other hand, there are those (mainly couples in love) who want to revel in the ooey, gooey, lovey dovey side of the day. This group unwittingly drives the stake into the hearts of the first group and may make them feel even worse about the day, because as we all know- misery loves company. If you don’t have a special someone in your life to share the day with, it is hard to be happy and excited for people who do. That’s just human nature.

Now the third group are those people who fall somewhere in between. They are either couples who just don’t “feel” the need to celebrate their love or relationship in the middle of February. Also, there are single people who have lots of fun celebrating the IDEA of LOVE without having to be in a relationship with one special person. Hey, whatever works! 

Personally, after spending many, many Valentine’s Days alone, some of them happier than others; I am ecstatic to have my husband to share it with. He’s not as enraptured with it as I am, but bears the strain as a testament to his love for me.

Valentine’s Day is like many holidays, you feel some of them more than others. Some people LOVE Halloween, others- not so much. The most important thing to remember is not to get completely wrapped up in something that only happens one day a year. 

So my advice to single people, please don’t hate on Valentine’s Day! No reason to have angst and misery on February 14^th, and begrudge those who enjoy the day feel it isn’t a nice holiday. Single people can enjoy Valentine’s Day, or they can just ignore it.

My advice for couples- once a year you have a day designated especially for people in love, so why waste a great chance to make your special someone feel loved and appreciated by making Valentine’s Day really nice. Oh, and that doesn’t mean the rest of the year you don’t have to do nice things for your sweetheart. 

So for all who love- HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! Enjoy it with someone special, even if that person is you!

Outraged and Offended? Life is too short to be offended every day

 

I recently read a review and some comments on Twitter about the new film, “Django Unchained” and how the commenter felt OFFENDED that some white people in the audience laughed a little too loudly at certain violent and brutal scenes in the film. – (LONG PAUSE, followed by me sighing.)

 

Okay, let me get this straight- PEOPLE were offended because there was brutality in a Quentin Tarrantino film? WOW! What did they expect? Had they never seen a Q.T. film before? I read, then re-read the piece-(see here) and all I could get from it was how insane we have become about BEING OFFENDED!  I left a comment which said, “Honestly, I am perplexed. That kind of violence should be disturbing ALWAYS, regardless of who the victim is. Don't you think it is universally "inappropriate" to laugh at the pain and suffering of ANYONE, regardless of race???”  I mean, should anyone be offended that a person laughs when someone outside their race gets hurt or is it okay to laugh when someone of your same race gets hurt? What difference does it make? Does that make it racist? I don’t think so.

I’ve come to the conclusion that just about everything in existence has the potential to offend someone. Honestly, I shake my head daily, often multiple times a day, at the incessant whines across television, radio, internet, and print. This one is offended by this, that one is offended by that, and most of the time I can’t understand what the fuss is about.

In order to wrap my little brain around some of the hypocrisy and actual glaring double-standards of the offenses, I often try very hard to put myself in the offended party’s shoes. Once I have done that, it almost always points to the same conclusion- some people enjoy being outraged and offended so they go looking for it. It’s called, “I love being a victim and feeling
oppressed.”

 

There is enough REAL oppression and victimization in the world, so when it is concocted and imaginary, it can really set me off. I have grown weary of listening to the unceasing whines and lamentations of how ___________(fill in the blank) society is.

 

 

Below are the TOP TEN over-used and often exaggerated “offenses” heard in the crowd:

1. Mean, as in “People are so mean! I can’t stand being around mean people!” 

2. Unfair, as in “THAT is really unfair that I didn’t get what I deserve!”

3. Sexist, as in “I am tired of Hollywood being so sexist!”

4. Racist, as in “Everything bad that happens to me is because someone is racist.”

5. Stupid, as in “I can’t stand being around all these stupid people!” (Usually referring to someone who disagrees with them.)

6. Rich, as in “I am disgusted by those rich people. They don’t know what struggles regular people have!”

7. Poor, as in “I am offended that there are people who aren’t able to take care of themselves and need assistance. They need to get a job!”

8. Religion, as in “People who believe in God, or that version of religion, ruin it for the rest of us! They should believe what I do!”

9. Appearance, as in “No one should make fun of anyone because of how they look!”

10. Catch all, as in “I am offended and upset that people don’t agree with me or my lifestyle, and make me feel like I am wrong about everything!”

So, let’s talk about a few of these and let me clarify that I am NOT saying that there aren’t extremely offensive and mean, unfair, sexist, racist, stupid, rich, poor, religious, or unattractive, or WHATEVER, in the world.  My issue is when people go looking for slights and offenses where they don’t actually exist OR they don’t agree with their version of it. Perhaps one should adjust their “offense meter” before voicing their outrage at offenses which aren’t really offensive. And if you don't like it, IGNORE THEM! Get that chip off your shoulder.

When you come right down to it, just about anything can be considered offensive to someone. That is a personal choice and prerogative. I have friends who are very offended by eating meat or killing animals for food. Are they are entitled to their opinion and lifestyle choice? ABSOLUTELY!  Just as much as I have a right to be offended by people who drink too much at parties and make asshats out of themselves.  But to be outraged and offended because different people choose to eat food I don’t or drink alcohol is ridiculous and a bit overblown. If I allow myself to be outraged by everything I disagree with, or don’t do myself, I begin to think and act like a victim.

Life 101: I don’t know how some people missed the epiphany most people have around the age of 30. It’s the one that tells you very clearly that LIFE ISN’T FAIR. It’s never going to be. Some really bad people have lives with really good things, and some really good people get bad things. It is called GROWING UP and GETTING REAL. If you never learn to deal with the fact that life isn’t fair, you will likely become a perpetual whiner and complainer. All I can say is, accept it and get over it. None of us like it, but it is just the way it is.

Life 102: Yes, there are a lot of people in the world who aren’t nice, and for those of us who try to be as nice as we can, we also fail. Niceness is often lost in a sea of fatigue, confusion, self-absorption, chaos, uncertainty, or ignorance. It isn’t personal, it just is.  That isn’t an excuse, it is an explanation.  Again, we don’t have to like it, but if you plan on being successful in life, you’re going to have to toughen up.

Life 103: IT ISN’T ALWAYS PERSONAL or about you! There are situations where people are unkind because they are wrapped up in their own unhappy lives and they have no kindness to spare. And yes, there are people who are cruel, brutal, unjust, nasty, rude, sexist, racist, and every other unpleasant word you can think of. They are often offensive and downright bad. Having to deal with them is toxic and can make a person feel like a victim. BUT when a person chooses to feel victimized by every slight, every mundane act of unkindness or careless comment, they are doing it to themselves and they are not deserving of pity.

My advice is simple. Don’t take offense at everything. Don’t take everything personally. Consider the other person’s motives and perspective. And save offense and outrage for important things.

If a person goes looking for things to be offended by and embraces every opportunity to be the victim of SOMEONE or SOMETHING, they need to get psychological help or a wake-up call. To indulge that sort of masochism is not helpful to the person or anyone else they have to deal with.