Blog and social media faux pas- the nasty business of too much information

 

I like to read blogs, and I read lots of them. I will read a blog about almost anything. I enjoy seeing how others write and the topics they find interesting. There are, however, a few topics I find quite upsetting and discouraging.

Last year, I wrote a blog piece called, “Crazy bloggers” may think their content is popular, but it’s all about schadenfreude”.

In that post, I described some examples of blogs and blog content that really set me off.  As I always point out, people can write whatever they want- it’s a free country. Unless you are breaking a law by posting something illegal or fraudulent, the first amendment protects free speech. Having given that disclaimer, I also like to remind a person that just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean it is a good or ethical idea.

   I am often offended and outraged by blogs that contain “TMI” or too much information. The information is almost always about OTHER PEOPLE.
A few examples:

1.       A blogger, male or female, who writes about their experiences on dating sites, or intimate relationships in general.

2.      Bloggers who share overly detailed accounts, and extremely personal things, about their children or family members (often without considering their feelings).

3.      Blogs that have a completely negative or unkind agenda.

4.      Any blog that’s sole existence is to shame, humiliate, and put down others.

  People write blogs for many reasons. I would venture to say that there is something for everyone in the blogosphere. I know that my tastes differ from other people’s taste. Variety is a good thing and gives audiences the ability to choose what they enjoy reading. That is one of the most incredibly valuable and wonderful things about blogs. Real people (hopefully), telling real stories about their lives, their interests, their opinions, and their thoughts. All those things have great potential for good, and bad.

As a writer, a blogger, and a human being, I have the right to voice my opinion about topics I feel are really inappropriate and should be omitted from blogs. I am not endorsing censorship! I am merely attempting to point out that too much personal information, especially about others, is unfair and unkind.

To explain, to begin with, I have never been a fan of internet dating sites. I know there are a percentage of people who have met their spouse or significant other on one. They should consider themselves fortunate.

 In my humble opinion, and limited experience, most people I know and have heard of, have had more negative than positive experiences. The “formulas” don’t really work very well for matching people up; especially when a huge percentage of people, male AND female, lie about themselves and misrepresent their information. But that is another blog post all together.

How it fits into the blog issue is really unfortunate. The situation, as I see it time and again, is the rehashing of the dates on people’s blogs, or social media sites. I find this behavior truly abhorrent. It isn’t funny or cute to betray someone’s private details or information.

Even though many people blog “anonymously”, and that too is another blog post, and they assume that there is a level of “privacy” in their anonymity. They need to think again. The internet offers no true privacy and everything that is written should be considered as public as the front page of The Washington Post.

Seeing people rant, whine, criticize, and complain about the people they have met on dating sites, or blind dates, or whatever kind of date on their blogs- makes my skin crawl. It is a behavior I find incredibly cruel and repulsive.

Dating can be a humiliating experience. Not all dates have happy outcomes. It can take years of dating to find the “right” person. A few light remarks about the incompatibility or precariousness of the dating scene could be a good blog post. Ripping apart individuals met on failed dates, and calling out all the horrible details, is not cute or clever. It is nasty and it is mean.

I wonder if “funny, snarky, cool, blogger” would appreciate being called out in public on their bad teeth, frizzy hair, or the goofy way they do whatever it is that they do on a date, which  is now being read in a PUBLIC forum. I surely wouldn’t. It is mean-spirited, arrogant, and cheap to set up dates with people and then write personal and unflattering things about them in a blog. And to be clear, even if the information was flattering, what happens on a date should be between the two people- not the rest of the world.

It seems ironic to me that these bloggers think t they are so perfect and wonderful that they have the right to spill personal things about another person, they set up to meet on the internet, through a paid dating site. One might wonder, if they were so fabulous, why they are using a dating site to begin with. But I digress.

Anytime a blogger starts to rely on extremely personal information about other people in order to produce content or entice readers, I am keen to shun that blog and discount the author.

Which brings me to my next set of gripes about bloggers who use their blogs to humiliate, criticize, or gripe about anything and everything. There is no end to the negativity in these blogs. Their sole focus and reason for existing is to run down all that is wrong with the world, the nation, “those people”, and everything under the sun.

Obviously, all bloggers have posts that can have negative or critical material. I’m not speaking of that scenario. Balancing positive, negative, and neutral posts is the sign of a great blogger. Having a wide breadth of knowledge and opinions shows that the blogger is intelligent and versatile.

 I am referring to blogs that solely and exclusively focus on negative and critical content. It becomes shrill and boring after a while. I don’t enjoy reading things that consistently bring me down.

I realize many bloggers, and some authors, have gained fame and sometimes fortune from writing about really awful things. Fine. Good for them. I guess if that is what drives their boat, ROCK ON.

There is a truly awful guy, who I shall not name, who has dedicated his life to writing a blog, books, and even a cheapo movie, about his sexual exploits. If the devil is in the details, he has a one way ticket to the 4^th ring of Hell. He writes, in EXCRUCIATING and mind-numbing detail, about all the women he has supposedly slept with in his life. I am not a prude, and I confess I have enjoyed the “Sex in the City” series, but this “writer” is a narcissistic monster. And I might sadly add, wildly popular. But then again, so is porn. (Yet another blog topic for another time.)

So I see a lot of fantastic, clever, amazing blogs. I also see a great deal of rubbish. I would ask my fellow bloggers to consider what they are putting “out there” in the world. You don’t have to be all flowers, sunshine, puppies, and lollipops. NO! I am not saying that is the right path either.

Be honest, be real, be authentic and share, but have and know the limits of decency and boundaries. The whole world doesn’t need to know all the most personal and intimate details of anyone’s life, especially when you are offering up the personal details of the lives of others. And for the record, the internet IS the whole world. I have a dashboard on my blog that proves that fact. I have views from every country you can think of. Places I didn’t think there was internet access!

If you want to tell a great story about something personal, think about the other person. Would they want those details to be known by EVERYONE? Is divulging personal information about another person, without their consent or prior knowledge, a good or beneficial means of telling YOUR OWN story?

Writing very personal and potentially embarrassing information about one's own family, especially minor children, is really unfair. It may be a great story, but telling certain things in a public setting or platform can cross a line.

In summation, I want to say that I admire and love reading things about people, their lives, their hopes and dreams, their families. There are ways to tell these stories and share the truths in a respectful and modest way.

Modesty has become a nasty word to many people. It almost has a negative spin, but I think it is something that more bloggers should embrace. Err on the side of modesty. Don’t go for the easy or lazy attention or views by exposing the personal lives of others. Be creative and be clever, but try not to do so at the expense of others.  

Purging and cleansing my facebook “friends” list

This was my facebook status today, 30 May 2012:

“A very wise friend gave me this idea and I am going to be simplifying some things. This week is my Friends List Cleaning Week, since many people aren't actual friends, and because we rarely ever interact/communicate, some not at all. Nothing personal just trying to simplify things. I still have the subscribe option. It is pointless to have "friends" who never interact and only lurk.”

So it has come to the point where I currently have 689 “Friends” on facebook. Through the years, I have lost some, deleted some, been deleted by some, and gained many. Too many. I feel lost in a sea of friends, some of which I have absolutely no contact with at all. That is what has brought me to the point where I need to reassess the whole concept.


Obviously, I don’t have 689 “real” friends.  The 689 fall into six categories:

1)      Family (This one is fairly obvious) = People I love and interact with regularly, on facebook and in real life

2)      Professional and business contacts = Connection and interaction is based on mutual professional or business interests on facebook, and may or may not be in real life

3)      True friends = Deep connection, and interaction on facebook and real life

4)      Acquaintances = Casual connection and may or may not interact regularly on facebook

5)      Lurkers or silent non-interactors = People I know, but have absolutely no interaction with in real life or facebook

6)      Social Mediaphobes = People I know, who have facebook accounts, but never use them

** NOTE: Some people I know overlap and are more than one of the above.

 So I go through the list of the six categories and try to decide who I need to purge and I have devised a method to decide.  

Here are the criteria:

Family is off limits:

I am not going to delete any of my current family members on facebook. I am sure they are all incredibly relieved… (That’s a joke).

The silent treatment:

If I haven’t heard a word from a person in over a year- GONE.

If someone who regularly uses facebook, and I can tell they use it regularly by their posts, doesn’t ever comment on anything or even wish me “Happy Birthday” on my birthday, what is the point of keeping that person as a friend. I realize some people don’t get on facebook every day, so if they miss a birthday one year, that’s understandable. I just think it is stupid and pointless to keep friends who never interact or have anything of substance to say.

Ragers and Debbie Downers:

I can’t deal with these types and I am making an effort to cull them from the list. The negative energy they give off could dry up Niagara Falls. Sure, everyone loves to vent and gripe on facebook from time to time. It’s fun!

The Rager is that person who is angry more than five times a week about something idiotic or ridiculous- e.g. “My neighbor put the trash out again and it blew all over the street, this time I’ve had it!” or  Debbie or Donnie Downer with their “I can’t take the people I meet on Match.com, they are all big losers.”  Seriously, I have enough negativity in my day. We all love t spill our guts and commiserate, and I can appreciate the desire to vent as much as the next person. There has to be some balance, and don’t overload your friends with every meltdown in your life.

The Political Animal: 

Yes, I get it that you don’t like this party or that party or this candidate or that candidate. If you post about politics more than 4 times a week, I have got to let you go. One of the most important aspects of facebook and social media relationships is sharing common values and attitudes. I can respect other points of view and I do! I have friends of every persuasion and walk of life. The difference is I don’t want to be PLASTERED with partisan or extremist propaganda during election time or hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth about every political complaint. It’s too much. Most of the time, I filter it out, but I am starting to think I don’t need “friends” who are this neurotic about politics.

Lurkers:

They’ve got to go. If I see that a person hasn’t commented or posted anything in this calendar year, there is honestly no point in keeping them as a “friend”. It is like bread- there is a shelf-life.

I love facebook for the connections and ability to stay connected. If it wasn’t for facebook, I would have been able to find and reconnect with people I hadn’t seen or heard from in 20 or 30 years! It is a heck of a lot cheaper and easier than a private detective.

Last year, I wrote a post called, “What does a facebookstatus say about the face behind it?” In that post I mentioned people who have absolutely NOTHING to say, EVER, on facebook. I don’t understand why they even join. Does lurking bring them happiness or is it just a morbid curiosity to peer silently into the lives of others? I don’t understand it at all. I know that some people are not as extraverted as others, but if it doesn’t appeal to a person, why join in the first place? And even more puzzling, why send people friend requests or accept theirs?

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:

No, this category has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It is exactly what it sounds like- no communication. I don’t need to stay friends with people who aren’t going to communicate with me on any level. I am not asking for a lot. How about a “like” here or a comment there. How about a meaningful status that say SOMETHING about you other than what you had for breakfast. I think I am going for quality instead of quantity. I am losing my need to stay connected with every person I have ever known. If someone wants to be a part of my life, I believe they will make the effort to show me, even if it is in a tiny way.

We all have a limited amount of time, energy, and resources. It is futile and wasteful to spend a minute of time or burn a calorie on anyone who doesn’t reciprocate or engage. Why would anyone with an ounce of self-respect continue to pursue or reach out to people who aren’t willing or able to return the favor?

There comes a point where you don’t want to be the only one doing “the work” or making the effort. Even casual relationships need a measure of attention. The key is for both parties to have balance and attempt to give some indication that they enjoy the relationship/friendship/partnership or whatever it is that exists between them.

Obviously professional and business relationships are just that and don’t require the same level of effort. I don’t intend on purging any professional or business “friends”. There is an unspoken understanding that the connection is on the surface and doesn’t need to be attended to in the same way a personal connection should.

Reconnecting is one of the best parts of facebook! It is wonderful to hear from friends who live far away, to include my relatives in Germany, and see their photos and share my own. It is so much easier than email and much more creative and dynamic. The benefits are too numerous to list (maybe another post later), but there is also a cost.

As I stated in my opening line- I am only trying to simplify my life and cut down on extraneous distractions. I CHERISH most of the people I interact with on facebook, for many different reasons.

 I am not trying to hurt or annoy or anger anyone. It is just time to sort it out and clean it up. Life is too short to try to be all things to all people.  I will still have the SUBSCRIBE option.  I hope that when I cut my list of friends down and take someone off, they understand it is without malice or anger. It is simply an exercise I recommend for everyone- SIMPLFY your life and focus on the people and things that bring good, positive, exciting, and engaging things to your life.

Weed out the things that distract or distance you from what you want in life. AND MOST OF ALL- Don’t hang on to anyone or anything that takes up time, focus, or energy from you without giving something, no matter how small, back in return.

So, let me know what you think?

What does a facebook status say about the face behind it?

Facebook, it would seem, is much more than a social media tool or a means to connect with friends- it is a litmus test and a mirror.

Consider what kinds of insights a person’s facebook status convey about that person. I think it is far more revealing than many people even notice. And inversely, what does it say when a person never has ANYTHING to say in their status? The silence also speaks volumes. In a typical year, it would be fascinating to analyze what an individual wrote each day, or didn’t, in their facebook status.

Facebook asks, “WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND?” in the status box. So, what IS on your mind? And not just IN your mind, what are you DOING that is important enough to share with all your friends and family?
 Let’s consider:

Is it always the same theme or situation?

How often are statuses negative, bitchy, or nasty?

Are statuses filled with inappropriate words, comments or questions?

How many times does alcohol present on a facebook status?

If a supervisor or co-worker saw the status, could it affect the workplace or job?

Is there a daily litany of complaints, problems or crises?

What is the ratio between positive and negative statuses?

Is facebook being used as a pseudo therapist for venting extreme anger or impulsive rants?

What is the motivation behind the statuses? Is it being used to dig at a person or hurt someone's feelings?

Does the person posting have any idea of how their status is going to be received?

I believe balance is key to using facebook as a means to connect with people on a personal and professional level.  A person should exercise thoughtful consideration and not impulsiveness when posting anything on the internet.

Having the false sense of security because you have set your facebook settings to private is truly laughable in this age of super hacking and the ability to copy material which can be forwarded.

There really isn’t any privacy on the internet and it is foolish, naïve and dangerous to have a false sense of security.  Assuming you have real privacy on the internet is a denial of reality.  It can be a costly and embarrassing mistake in judgment.

One doesn’t have to be paranoid or feel afraid if common sense, a little restraint and maturity are applied.  Obviously, explicitly ranting about one’s boss or clients can risk serious alienation, loss of a job or business; and actually seems a bit "over the top" to most people viewing it. It’s probably NEVER a good idea to post something about a loved one or friend in the heat of the moment. It may not be able to be “taken back” later.

Looking in the facebook mirror, and what is behind the status, can say a great deal more than one would think. It can be a study into that individual’s life, values, thought-processes, personality and intelligence and lifestyle and say far more than anything else you may know about them.

And as I said before, for those people who have facebook and have absolutely NOTHING to say, share or interact, I wonder why they even bother. Is lurking and watching others the extent of their existence? Do they have absolutely nothing to say or nothing “on their minds”? I find it astounding and a bit perplexing. 

While I believe it is more prudent to say nothing if you haven’t anything good or positive or interesting to say, in my opinion, perhaps it would be a good idea to DO SOMETHING and take a chance. Post a status, participate, join in.  Isn’t that the whole point of the application? Sharing and participating is the reason people join in the first place.  

I love facebook because it is a snapshot into the workings of the human mind, psyche and the way individuals communicate with one another. It has the power to do many great things, and it can be a platform for truly bad behavior. I like to err on the side of positive, kind, good and prudent. Of course we all have our bad days and it is a wonderful place to share our pains, sorrows, disappointments and annoyances.

I believe that moderation and balance are essential to an online life. THINK BEFORE YOU POST and don’t say ANYTHING about anyone you wouldn’t say on the front page of The Washington Post. You never know if or when it might turn up there.

Leaps of faith

Life is tough. Anyone who doesn't think so isn't doing it right. For all the encouragement we possibly get from those closest to us, daily life is still a struggle. Dealing with the stressful situations we encounter each day, from the most mundane and banal, to the truly life-changing and serious, is wearing and exhausting.

Daily life events add up. They take their toll. And keeping in mind that we all have our crosses to bear, although they can be completely different, we are the ones who must deal with them, day in and day out.

It's amazing, even miraculous, how much one person can touch another's life and what a difference can be made by saying the right thing, at the right time, under the right circumstances. How many times do we feel we are at our wit's end and, as if on cue, someone in our life says just the right thing which makes all the difference in that moment? When this happens, some people call it serendipity, some call it karma, some call it divine intervention. Perhaps it is all of these things... and even more.

Dealing with life's trials and tribulations, both big and small, can wear the most accomplished, brave, intelligent, hopeful and optimistic of us down. The old saying, "misery loves company", is not only true, it makes sense. None of us likes to suffer alone. The last thing we want to hear when we are in the middle of a crisis is how great so and so's day went. It isn't being mean, it's just human nature. And it isn't always the case.

Often times it helps us to drag ourselves out of the blues when we hear about good news or a happy event. But there are days when nothing seems to be able to help. That's why I believe that every day is a leap of faith.

My best buddy, Wikipedia, defines "Leap of Faith" as - "A leap of faith, in its most commonly used meaning, is the act of believing in or accepting something intangible or unprovable, or without empirical evidence.^[1] It is an act commonly associated with religious belief as many religions consider faith to be an essential element of piety." 

Life truly is a daily leap of faith because each day we are faced with new, sometimes staggering, situations that can bring us to our knees. Each day we wake to existing challenges, past sorrows, and approaching deadlines. There are financial issues, family dynamics, political and national problems.  Dealing with situations which may be causing us anxiety, depression, lack of confidence can cripple cause havoc in any person's life.

Even the happiest, most satisfied and fulfilled person has doubts that creep into their souls. In attempting to overcome these obstacles in daily life, many people- myself included- are sustained by a deep and abiding belief that these challenges, hardships and burdens are bearable by that daily leap of faith.

Believing that there is a greater good, despite the bad and the difficult, which can sustain us through the pain and the diifficulties we encounter.