The company we keep: The impact of people and things we surround ourselves with

Wilfred Peterson said it best- “Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it...”

In case you hadn’t noticed, time is a precious and fleeting thing. There are only so many days left in our lives, and wasting them on people or pursuits that bring nothing positive to our lives is the ultimate waste of time and energy.

Every day you hear cynical lamentations on how unfair the world is, and I won’t argue that it isn’t.  The Serenity Prayer is brilliant because it reminds us that certain things can be changed, but others cannot. Having the wisdom to know the difference is what gives us the serenity needed to go on. One of the most critical changes a person may need to make is who they choose to spend their precious time with.

Consider “who, what, and where” we are spending our precious days and nights. I firmly believe the people we surround ourselves with, the places we go, and the things we do, define who we are. For better, or for worse. As Peterson so poignantly said in his quote, walking with people who enrich and uplift us makes it possible for us to leave this world a better place. If we surround ourselves with people or pursuits that bring us down, or stuck in one place, what hope can we have to bring ourselves, or anyone else, up?

If anyone believes people won’t be judged by their friends and associates, they are in for a huge shock. People will always assume you are like-minded if you spend your time with negative, hateful, narrow-minded people. And why shouldn’t they? If all your associates are people who love sports, of course it makes sense to believe that you love sports too. And while it is an assumption, it is one that is based on strong and conclusive evidence. 

To that point, if you are a person who associates with scholars, academics, students, and learned people, it is a very strong indication that you are also an intelligent person who values learning and knowledge. Consider people who are in groups that adhere to certain codes and ethics, like the U.S.military, The Boy Scouts of America, or Doctors without Borders. Then consider people who are in groups that espouse anti-social values- gangs and organized crime. Those are extreme examples, but there are other groups and organizations that will cause people to judge and make conclusions on a person’s choices and values. It is important to understand how those choices can impact success and image. 

Most people will have diverse friends and groups in their lives. Fortunate people will have a wide and eclectic blend of associates who meet the different needs for a variety of interests. I believe the most successful people surround themselves with people who bring a positive outlook, useful solutions, and thoughtful opinions to the table. Choosing to only spend time with people who aren’t as smart, or motivated, or funny as we are may make us feel good about ourselves, but they aren’t challenging us to be better.

A fragile ego, or a lazy attitude may make us feel safe and in control when we choose friends who aren’t as successful as we are. We really don’t improve unless we reach higher and increase expectations of ourselves, and our associates. Nothing is as sad and boring as a group of people who have known each other for years, and are STILL talking about the same people, things, and events they’ve been talking about for the past 10-20 years!

Surrounding oneself with mindless sycophants is missing a great opportunity for growth and introspection. The best and most helpful friend is one who will tell you when you have stepped beyond reason, and ground you in reality. The best friend is one who praises in public and criticizes in private. 

Young people often fail to understand how important it is to surround themselves with friends and mentors who challenge their views and give them pause to reflect. Immature individuals lack the ability to see themselves as they truly are, and work to improve and grow.

Spending energy on and maintaining relationships with, people who bring us down- both morally and intellectually- is perhaps the greatest reason for failure. If a person limits their sphere of interaction based on their self-image and ideal, they are cheating themselves of true wisdom. 

Learning from mistakes can be the best way to really understand life. But, making the same mistakes over and over again is the surest way to lose hope for lasting success. Time is the limiting factor. If you spend your time learning the same lessons again and again, you have lost valuable time to learn new lessons. The same is true with the people we surround ourselves with. Do they only bring problems to the relationship? Are they reciprocal in their duties as friend or co-worker? Are they truly beneficial to our wellness? How do they help us improve, or are they an impediment to our own growth or success? These are questions to ask and determine. Far too many people are brought down by people in their lives who wallow in ignorance, arrogance, a lack of integrity.

I have learned the hard way, so I can say with assurance, if you surround yourself with people who lack integrity, honesty, or kindness it will reflect on you and inevitably influence your behavior and choices. Sometimes, the only way to have a better life is to remove those people, or activities, that are bringing you down.

It can be painful, lonely, and sad to lose people who have been a part of one’s life for years. Growth means leaving behind things that no longer fit us. True maturity means being able to honestly assess the value of relationships and habits. It hurts to grow and change.

Surround yourself with people who inspire and uplift. No one is perfect, and perfection is hardly a reasonable measure to aspire to. I have learned important lessons from some very bad people, but the greatest lessons of my life were learned from good, decent, caring, and intelligent people who gave me knowledge and a thirst for more! Don’t cheat yourself out of success by refusing to uplift yourself and surround your life with people who challenge and inspire you to do bigger and better!

My midnight confession: I have biases, but so do you

I have a confession to make. I have strong biases, preferences, and opinions. So shoot me. If you're going to claim you don’t have your own preferences and biases, you’re a liar. WE ALL DO!

Let me give an example of something, a real story that happened to me when I was a teenager, which has stuck with me all my life. It was, as they say, a pivotal moment in my life.

When I was in high school, there was a girl who hated my guts. It was the oddest thing. I barely knew her, but she would scowl at me every day and it finally got to a point where she was physically threatening me. Now, what makes this an almost hilarious vignette is that I went to an all-girl, Catholic high school, in Alexandria, Virginia, in the 1970s. 

There weren’t many fights in this school. To my knowledge, there was never one. So one particular day, this girl voiced her dislike towards me, and my friend who was with me straight out asked her why she disliked me so much. She answered, “I don’t know, there’s just something about her.” Well, that was a real eye-opener for a 15 year old girl!!  SHE didn’t even KNOW what it was about me; she just knew she didn’t like it. Fair enough. She didn’t HAVE to like me. But, she wasn’t supposed to beat my ass either. Lesson: We ALL have biases towards people, things, ideas, opinions, and everything else under the sun. Sometimes they don’t make sense, even to the person feeling them!

You can’t force people to like the same things, believe the same things, or feel the same things. I pray there is never a day when there are laws that FORCE anyone to act exactly the same way. At that point, we will live in a tyrannical state that enforces emotions, character, and thoughts.

A lack of individuality would truly make life dull and colorless. Diversity in life is part of what makes things interesting and vibrant. But the problems arise when people become offended or threatened when some individuals voice their dislike or lack of appreciation for the things they like. For instance, I don’t like the “Honey Boo Boo” show. 

Am I an urban snob because I can’t relate to the people in the show? Does it make me an elitist because I prefer to hear the English language spoken in a certain way? Am I a bad person because I don’t like NASCAR? I also don’t like professional football, does that make me un-American?  

We all have our personal preferences and styles. I love my daughter dearly, but she and I rarely agree on anything when we go shopping. We have our own tastes and style. That’s okay! Wouldn’t it be boring if everyone liked exactly the same clothing? They tried that in China under Chairman Mao and it really didn’t work out very well.

 Here is a list of 20 things I will never like, no matter how much I am pressured or forced by “popular opinion”:

1. Cheerleaders- I don’t get it, despite being lectured on its merits.

2. Fanatics- I don’t care what your cause is, if you are a fanatic, you’ve lost me.

3. Fakes/phoneys- This is self-explanatory. Also falls under the category- Shit talkers.

4. Sororities- Again, not a fan. No amount of explanation is going to change my mind.

5. Onions- Offensive smell and taste PLUS I suspect I am allergic.

6. Winter- Depressing, cold, and dark. Need I say more?

7. Poor grammar- Spoken or written. Even what you may consider cute slang.

8. Dirty fingernails- In 2013, in a country that has hot water and soap, this is hard to fathom.

9. Bad breath- It’s gross. Classified under poor hygiene.

10. Drunk people, especially when they are loud and yell “WOO HOO!”

11. Tailgaters- but not the kind that have delicious food on them.

12. Beauty Pageants- I think they are an anachronism and have never understood their appeal.

13. Porn- No, I’m not a prude, but I find most porn offensive and dehumanizing.

14. Double standards- If you don’t want someone to do it to you, don’t do it to them. It’s simple.

15. Clowns- They’re creepy. Nothing fun or delightful for me.

16. Snakes- I find them terrifying and unpleasant. Also in this category are other creepy crawlies.

17. Bad manners- Be polite and gracious as possible. Even if you don’t like it.

18. Bullies- Picking on people who are weaker, smaller, and less powerful makes you a bully.

19. Yellow- I’ve never liked that color, and it looks terrible on me.

20. Roller coasters- Terrifying and nauseating. At the same time.

So, in the course of this list, I promise you I have OFFENDED someone and have now exposed myself as the biased person that I am. I have trampled on an item or even a few items that another person probably LOVES!!! 

Does that make me a terrible person? Am I am intolerant, discriminating, meanie because I don’t like… snakes, roller coasters, clowns, sororities… you get the picture. Am I a snob because I don’t care for poor grammar, or bad hygiene? Am I a bad person because I take issue when someone treats me a certain way, but they expect me to treat them better? 

Freedom of thought and feeling is a beautiful thing. To deny a person their RIGHT to FEEL a certain way is oppressive. Denying them certain actions, like beating their child, or driving while intoxicated, or endangering the public, is not only important it is morally correct.

We are NOT entitled to do anything we FEEL, but we ARE entitled to have our own personal feelings and opinions. Hopefully, and for their own sake, a person’s thoughts and feelings will be in sync with their community, family, and friends. Otherwise,they will be a lonely outsider.

There are groups and sections of the country that are very, very, different. Our differences can cause us to have misunderstandings and a lack of respect. That’s fairly normal and predictable. Is it intolerance if I don’t like all the things another person does? Of course not. 

If you are my co-worker, which means we are both PAID to work in the same place, you must treat me in accordance with the rules and regulations of our place of employment and you should treat me professionally and courteously. If you don’t, you’re a rude, unprofessional, jerk. Unless this annoys our boss, you will probably get away with it.

We all have to live with things we don’t like- and accept differences of taste, opinion, and the pursuit of happiness. It is unrealistic to think we will agree with everyone we meet on every topic or choice.

Trying hard to be civil and striving to find commonalities and things we do agree on is the only way to stay sane and keep some humanity. But I will never accept anyone who will try to make me like professional wrestling or video games. I have a God-given right to NOT wear the color orange, and will never bend my will to say “y’all” or “ain’t.”  

I know I am not perfect, but I know what I like and what I don’t like. I am not forcing my likes on anyone else, so they don’t have the right to force their likes on me. As long as we are mutually civil, respectful, and law-abiding, we should be able to coexist and live mutually satisfying lives.   

If you now don’t want to be my friend or keep my company, that’s your choice and opinion. You don’t have to like me, agree with me, or think I am pretty or smart or funny. You don’t have to live in my neighbor, or read my blog. THAT is what is so great about America. We all have choices. And isn’t that a miraculous blessing!

The sisterhood myth: The dirty little gender secret women don’t like to face

I’m about to betray my gender. That’s how many women will perceive this post. Betrayal. But it’s time to shed some light AND TRUTH in hopes that airing the dirty laundry will bring a healthy look at an important topic. (Please read the hyperlinks I have attached if you think I am alone in this view.)

I need to point out something from the start. This post is not pointed toward ALL women. My comments and remarks are not an indictment of every woman.  But I am seeking to dispel the glorified myth that women ALWAYS take care of or care about other women. The hard, cold, fact is that MOST women care very little for other women and don’t hesitate to step over another woman to get ahead- whether it is for a job or a man.

One of the lies many women tell themselves, and portray to the world, has to do with the concept of a sisterhood among women. It is an absolute deception and illusion. It honestly doesn’t exist.  Another lie is that we have each other’s backs.  Again, a fantasy.  In most cases, the only thing a woman has regarding another woman’s back is the knife she is about to insert in it. Sound extreme? Trust me, it isn’t.

In recent news, there have been examples of young, attractive, females poaching older and powerful men. Anyone who thinks this is not a common, everyday, occurrence needs to get out of fantasyland.   You might be surprised to know about those dating sites which strictly cater to married people. The statistics bear out that women are about even with men in the infidelity department, so there is certainly equal opportunity for cheaters.

For every heartwarming story of women doing for other women, and don’t get me wrong- they DO EXIST and should be noted and congratulated for their good works; there are also terrible, sickening, stories of women BULLYING, abusing and harassing other WOMEN! Read this blog post written by a prominent person who only goes by her first name.  (You may be able to figure it out, but if not, I will tell you if you ask.)

Like most stereotypes and myths, there are instances of truth and some women are very concerned about other women, but in my experience, the bad far outweighs the good.  I feel it is time to clear the air and dispel the myth because women are hurt by it. They have an expectation that women “out there” are looking out for them and they need a reality check.

Ladies- please stop pretending that you actually give a damn about ALL WOMEN. It’s okay to say that you dislike many of the women you encounter and that you feel no sense of allegiance or loyalty to them! It’s better to admit the truth and get it out in the open than to continue to dupe people, especially other women, into thinking that you give a damn about them.

If this fantasy sisterhood actually existed, how would we explain the following?

1. Women who actively and aggressively pursue and attempt to “steal” the affections of other women’s boyfriends or husbands.

2. The women who engage in epic gossiping, sniping, criticism, and character assassination of other women.

3. The petty, childish, snide, rude, comments women make about one another. GROWN WOMEN who should have better things to do with their time.

4. The workplace drama, trauma, and toxic abuse women heap upon one another out of insecurity, jealousy, and general fear that another woman will outshine them or make them feel inferior.

5. The competitive bitchiness related to other women’s life choices, child rearing, husbands, clothes, cars, homes, appearance, body shape, and many other things.

6. Women who, seeking to be more like men, use any opportunity to be ruthless, intimidating, cruel, and thoughtless, but usually target other women because they are easy prey.

7. The distorted and harsh perception that any woman who doesn’t agree with them 100% is either a pawn of the men in her life, or a simple and ignorant pawn of _______fill in the blank____.

8. Women who blame every bad thing in the world on men and resent any woman who doesn’t agree with as a traitor to her sex.

9. Female family members who abuse or ignore their brothers’ wives, their daughter-in-laws, their sister-in-laws, etc ., for whatever dysfunctional reasons.  Ganging up on another woman is never cool.

10. Last but not least, women use other women to build them up and make them feel good about themselves, and all the while, they refuse to do anything to help another woman succeed.

Many women like to pretend that somehow our gender is kinder, gentler, and more compassionate. Perhaps this was once true, but now it is a half-truth. I will put it this way- when we are good, we are very, very, good- when we are bad we are horrid.

 I always say that if you have a good female boss, you are truly blessed because they can be the best of the best. BUT, if you have a bad female boss, God help you.  I have experienced both sides of that coin in my career. I have been INCREDIBLY fortunate to have some excellent, professional, generous, fair, balanced, and brilliant female bosses, and they KNOW WHO THEY ARE!

I have also been cursed to have had to work for the unstable, unprofessional, ignorant, and toxic women.  THEY probably don’t know who they are, because they are deluded and unable to have insight into their pathological “leadership” style.

The “myth” of the ever-loving, kind, and generous sisterhood is so full of holes that it looks like a pack of rabid moths got into a wool factory.

And when you are the object of an abusive woman, disappointment doesn’t even begin to cover the feeling. It is a betrayal because we have been brought up to believe that our fellow females would somehow have our back. GET RID OF THAT LIE and you may be able to survive the experience.

The point of this discussion is NOT to bash women. It is a call to action, a wakeup call, a true and honest desire for change.

To believe that women can’t be sexist or biased towards other women is ignorant and a denial of reality.  We scream like holy hell when men are cruel, biased, or toxic towards women, but we often feel we must ignore or cover when women do it to us. We feel we must suffer silently and accept the toxic females’ rage, scapegoating and even racial bias because they are- women. It shouldn’t matter what gender an abuser is- ABUSE IS ABUSE!

A tyrannical boss, regardless of gender, is an outrage and intolerable liability risk to the organization which is employing people. For that reason, quotas are completely absurd if the whole point is to employ women in leadership position. The sick irony of the female boss abusing other females is more common than many people understand.

In summation- WOMEN, wake up! Don’t assume that female co-worker, or boss, or girl friend really gives a damn about you JUST BECAUSE you are both women. Women have the capacity for all the things we accuse men of, and are even better at some of them! Equality covers the good, the bad, and the ugly.

If you believe in the equality of the sexes it is fair to expect that women can be equally unkind as men towards other women. I hope this is the wake up call that will call women to act against the abusive and toxic women in their own lives.  STOP making excuses for them, and stop pretending it doesn’t exist.

The ridiculous and maddening world of the arrogant asshat: Learning to deal with difficult people

                                                                   " It's all about me!"

Lately I have the distinct feeling that there has been an arrogant asshat population explosion! They are all around us- in real life, on television, in cyberspace, and our own families. One thing is sure, if you have to deal with an arrogant asshat, your quality of life can be greatly altered. BUT the good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

“The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind.” -  Albert Camus

 

 

Arrogance goes beyond being assertive, pushy, or even cocky. Arrogance is that over the top expectation a person has which causes them to act as if the world must bend to their opinion, will, and belief about everything, without question or hesitation. Whether the arrogant asshat in your life is male or female, young or old makes no difference. Dealing with that type of individual is truly one of the most unpleasant and frustrating situations in life.

Definition of ARROGANCE

: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

The older I get, the less patience I have for arrogant asshats. Where do they get off thinking the world is going to bow to them? What causes a person to become so self-absorbed and full of themselves? Is it nature, nurture, or a combination of both? Is there an “asshat gene”?  Science was never my forte, but I suppose there could be arguments for both theories. All I know is that I have the ANTI-asshat gene.

 

“Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

I am currently struggling with some WORLD CLASS ARROGANT ASSHATS in my life. I am not about to allow my precious peace of mind and happiness be polluted by the toxic miasma they give off.

Life is too short to waste a minute of it fretting and obsessing over the attitudes and actions of others. Heaven knows I, and most everyone, have far better uses for my time and energy. My suggestion, and advice, for dealing with arrogant asshats is as follows:

1. IGNORE as best you can.

2. If ignoring fails, minimize contact, reactions, attention- because they do LOVE the attention.

3. Realize that most arrogant asshats are truly bitter, sad, miserable, lost souls. I am not saying you have to feel sorry for them, just know that is what usually fuels their arrogance.

4. NEVER let them see you sweat.

5. Living well is always the best revenge. Your happiness is the antidote to their power. If you let their arrogance and superior attitude beat you down- THEY WIN.

6. NEVER let an arrogant asshat win. EVER!

7. Pick your battles with arrogant asshats. They love to fight, don’t engage.

8. If you have to “fight”, don’t give up the moral high ground. Arrogant asshats love to drag others into their cesspool. It makes them feel righteous.

9. If you happen to be related to an arrogant asshat, do the best you can. We can’t pick our families, so it is important to develop great powers of detachment and a sense of humor.

10. LAUGH at them. Laughter can really help deflect their ridiculous pomposity and sense of entitlement. After all, it is truly absurd to be a spoiled three year old in the body of an adult.

 

 

A very good article on the topic was featured in the Washington Post in 2011, called “The fine line between confidence and arrogance”.  Written by someone far smarter and more eloquent that I, I have highlighted the best advice from the piece:

If you find that you are guilty of some the behaviors above, rethink your approach and keep your ego in check:

• Instead of bragging about your personal achievements, find a way to spotlight someone else’s work. Consider talking up team triumphs.

• During interviews or when interacting with a recruiter, be careful not to interrupt and listen carefully to the questions asked before responding.

• Transform your arrogance into self-confidence by showing vulnerability — be willing to share past mistakes, limitations and fears.

• Be humble.

• Have the courage to discuss opposing ideas without being judgmental.

• Seek out learning partners and trusted colleagues and ask them for honest feedback. Where do they perceive you along the confidence-arrogance continuum? If they say that you come across as haughty at times, learn which behaviors give this impression.

• Finally, understand how confidence is expressed in the culture in which you’re working (modesty is valued in many Asian cultures, so you’ll want to tone it down a bit when interacting with Japanese employers and colleagues).