The sisterhood myth: The dirty little gender secret women don’t like to face

I’m about to betray my gender. That’s how many women will perceive this post. Betrayal. But it’s time to shed some light AND TRUTH in hopes that airing the dirty laundry will bring a healthy look at an important topic. (Please read the hyperlinks I have attached if you think I am alone in this view.)

I need to point out something from the start. This post is not pointed toward ALL women. My comments and remarks are not an indictment of every woman.  But I am seeking to dispel the glorified myth that women ALWAYS take care of or care about other women. The hard, cold, fact is that MOST women care very little for other women and don’t hesitate to step over another woman to get ahead- whether it is for a job or a man.

One of the lies many women tell themselves, and portray to the world, has to do with the concept of a sisterhood among women. It is an absolute deception and illusion. It honestly doesn’t exist.  Another lie is that we have each other’s backs.  Again, a fantasy.  In most cases, the only thing a woman has regarding another woman’s back is the knife she is about to insert in it. Sound extreme? Trust me, it isn’t.

In recent news, there have been examples of young, attractive, females poaching older and powerful men. Anyone who thinks this is not a common, everyday, occurrence needs to get out of fantasyland.   You might be surprised to know about those dating sites which strictly cater to married people. The statistics bear out that women are about even with men in the infidelity department, so there is certainly equal opportunity for cheaters.

For every heartwarming story of women doing for other women, and don’t get me wrong- they DO EXIST and should be noted and congratulated for their good works; there are also terrible, sickening, stories of women BULLYING, abusing and harassing other WOMEN! Read this blog post written by a prominent person who only goes by her first name.  (You may be able to figure it out, but if not, I will tell you if you ask.)

Like most stereotypes and myths, there are instances of truth and some women are very concerned about other women, but in my experience, the bad far outweighs the good.  I feel it is time to clear the air and dispel the myth because women are hurt by it. They have an expectation that women “out there” are looking out for them and they need a reality check.

Ladies- please stop pretending that you actually give a damn about ALL WOMEN. It’s okay to say that you dislike many of the women you encounter and that you feel no sense of allegiance or loyalty to them! It’s better to admit the truth and get it out in the open than to continue to dupe people, especially other women, into thinking that you give a damn about them.

If this fantasy sisterhood actually existed, how would we explain the following?

1. Women who actively and aggressively pursue and attempt to “steal” the affections of other women’s boyfriends or husbands.

2. The women who engage in epic gossiping, sniping, criticism, and character assassination of other women.

3. The petty, childish, snide, rude, comments women make about one another. GROWN WOMEN who should have better things to do with their time.

4. The workplace drama, trauma, and toxic abuse women heap upon one another out of insecurity, jealousy, and general fear that another woman will outshine them or make them feel inferior.

5. The competitive bitchiness related to other women’s life choices, child rearing, husbands, clothes, cars, homes, appearance, body shape, and many other things.

6. Women who, seeking to be more like men, use any opportunity to be ruthless, intimidating, cruel, and thoughtless, but usually target other women because they are easy prey.

7. The distorted and harsh perception that any woman who doesn’t agree with them 100% is either a pawn of the men in her life, or a simple and ignorant pawn of _______fill in the blank____.

8. Women who blame every bad thing in the world on men and resent any woman who doesn’t agree with as a traitor to her sex.

9. Female family members who abuse or ignore their brothers’ wives, their daughter-in-laws, their sister-in-laws, etc ., for whatever dysfunctional reasons.  Ganging up on another woman is never cool.

10. Last but not least, women use other women to build them up and make them feel good about themselves, and all the while, they refuse to do anything to help another woman succeed.

Many women like to pretend that somehow our gender is kinder, gentler, and more compassionate. Perhaps this was once true, but now it is a half-truth. I will put it this way- when we are good, we are very, very, good- when we are bad we are horrid.

 I always say that if you have a good female boss, you are truly blessed because they can be the best of the best. BUT, if you have a bad female boss, God help you.  I have experienced both sides of that coin in my career. I have been INCREDIBLY fortunate to have some excellent, professional, generous, fair, balanced, and brilliant female bosses, and they KNOW WHO THEY ARE!

I have also been cursed to have had to work for the unstable, unprofessional, ignorant, and toxic women.  THEY probably don’t know who they are, because they are deluded and unable to have insight into their pathological “leadership” style.

The “myth” of the ever-loving, kind, and generous sisterhood is so full of holes that it looks like a pack of rabid moths got into a wool factory.

And when you are the object of an abusive woman, disappointment doesn’t even begin to cover the feeling. It is a betrayal because we have been brought up to believe that our fellow females would somehow have our back. GET RID OF THAT LIE and you may be able to survive the experience.

The point of this discussion is NOT to bash women. It is a call to action, a wakeup call, a true and honest desire for change.

To believe that women can’t be sexist or biased towards other women is ignorant and a denial of reality.  We scream like holy hell when men are cruel, biased, or toxic towards women, but we often feel we must ignore or cover when women do it to us. We feel we must suffer silently and accept the toxic females’ rage, scapegoating and even racial bias because they are- women. It shouldn’t matter what gender an abuser is- ABUSE IS ABUSE!

A tyrannical boss, regardless of gender, is an outrage and intolerable liability risk to the organization which is employing people. For that reason, quotas are completely absurd if the whole point is to employ women in leadership position. The sick irony of the female boss abusing other females is more common than many people understand.

In summation- WOMEN, wake up! Don’t assume that female co-worker, or boss, or girl friend really gives a damn about you JUST BECAUSE you are both women. Women have the capacity for all the things we accuse men of, and are even better at some of them! Equality covers the good, the bad, and the ugly.

If you believe in the equality of the sexes it is fair to expect that women can be equally unkind as men towards other women. I hope this is the wake up call that will call women to act against the abusive and toxic women in their own lives.  STOP making excuses for them, and stop pretending it doesn’t exist.

The Dreadful Season: 5 ways the Presidential elections and Olympics bring out the worst in people

It’s been a scorching hot summer, and I am not just talking about temperatures. I have been watching more network television than usual because of the Summer Olympics. Since I don’t usually watch network shows, I am not used to seeing all the “commercials”. All I can say is how disgusted and sickened I am by what I am seeing and hearing.

As I have stated ad nauseum, I don’t get into partisan politics. I don’t discuss candidates or parties. I will touch on issues, but only in a very general sense. People who know me very well can attest to my passionate feelings on many issues, but for many good and sound reasons, I am not willing to put all my political opinions out on public display. I wish some of my friends would follow suit.

 I am becoming overwhelmed on the social media sites, mostly facebook, and the ENDLESS litany of political statements, opinions, and rants. Every now and then would be sufficient. MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY is rude, overbearing, and arrogant; and assumes that all their friends agree with them and want to share their beliefs. The same goes for people who are constantly posting about religion. Less really is more. Keep it for church.

 I consider myself a moderate, but my very conservative friends think I am a liberal, and my very liberal friends think I am a conservative- so I generally annoy most people. That’s too bad, but I am not going to lose sleep over it. I have an open mind and respect anyone’s right to disagree with me. Sadly, in the times in which we are living, respect, tolerance, decency, and kindness are in short supply.

And speaking of a lack of respect and decency- How about those Olympics? Wow, just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all, “how low can you go?” takes on a whole new meaning.  Between the arguing over whose uniform is more patriotic, and whose hair is too nappy, my head is about to explode from all the shrill and caustic remarks. IS THERE A SHRED OF DECENCY LEFT IN THE WORLD? It is getting harder and harder to find it.

Sometimes I think we are at an all time low when it comes to vicious talk and shallow values. Reality television captures the grossest and most vile aspects of our culture. Greedy, vain, haughty and grandiose people seem to be in the majority. And I am not talking about class and wealth.

From my view, there are just as many nasty poor people as there are rich people.  The level of crassness and nasty comments about one gymnast’s hair, from people who share her ethnic background and gender, was enough to make me vomit.  Everything wrong in the world can’t be laid at the feet of rich, white, men. Sorry, that’s just too easy. There is enough wrong, blame, racism, classism, and meanness for every religion, race, gender, and socio-economic group to go around. NO ONE is blameless! 

WHY? Because we have become a nation of shallow, lazy, critical, haters. It seeps into every crevice of society.

I have compiled a list of 5 awful examples of recent nasty and vicious behavior during of the DREADFUL SEASON of upcoming elections and Summer Olympics (AND hyperlinked them to some articles which speak to the topic at greater length):

1. Truly shallow and hateful statements about certain athlete’s bodies, hair, and other inane information.

2. The endless, unceasing, vitriol from both parties about both candidates. It just goes on and on and on. If they are trying to outdo the other with over-the-top meanness and creepy innuendo, they have succeeded. I have had my fill. It is discouraging and demoralizing. The whole world is commenting on it!

3. I am terrified of the extremists and the deafening screaming from far wingnuts on both sides. Extremism will destroy our country. We have to find a more centrist, tolerant, and sensible middle ground. The First Amendment is a beautiful thing and God bless it, but we have to figure out a way to keep the crazy from overwhelming the airwaves!

4. The Olympics is supposed to be a time for peopleall over the world to watch athletes from different countries compete againstone another. It should be a time to have national pride in the athletes andtheir amazing abilities. When we start cutting up our own athletes because of their appearance or if someone makes comments about their lack of national pride, we are becoming uglier and nastier by the minute. WHAT KIND OF PERSON criticizes a young girl’s hair while she is competing in the OLYMPIC GAMES???!!! Obviously a very bitter, shallow, empty sort of person. And to be even more cruel, to put it out in a social media platform for the ENTIRE WORLD to see. It leaves me sick to my stomach and wondering what has become of us.

5. And last, but not least, when POLITICS gets intertwined in the Olympics- nothing good can come from it. Sports shouldn’t be political. Remember what a certain German dictator did in the 1940s to pollute and poison the Olympics when he attempted to turn them into some kind of political and racial statement? Yeah, well, politicians need to stay as far away from the Olympics as possible.  POLITICS DOESN’T BELONG IN THE OLYMPICS!

The Dreadful Season is almost over. I am looking forward to some peace and quiet this fall. I pray we can get some.

A reflection on loss - Life is loss

"He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness."  – Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

I think about loss a great deal. Some days, thoughts of loss consume me. And though thoughts of loss can be incredibly sad, they aren’t as depressing as they may seem. There are many degrees and levels of loss. I am one of those people who develops very strong attachments, so loss has been especially hard for me all of my life. Many people feel their losses much more deeply than others, but loss is a universal experience that every person on the planet has experienced. No one gets through life without loss.

When I think about loss, I grieve for lost loved ones and lost years. I think about beloved pets that have gone on. I mourn lost friendships, ruined relationships, former jobs and coworkers, and lost belongings. I wonder about people I haven’t seen for years and how they were once a part of my life… and now are not.

I also feel for friends and the losses they have experienced, the struggles they have endured, and the pain of dealing with disappointments and endings. My loved ones and I have shared many losses from death, divorce, change, and growth. In truth, nothing really stays the same for very long, and inevitably people and things get lost along the way.

"Who except the gods can live time through forever without any pain?"  - Aeschylus, Prometheus Bound

Sometimes I think of my younger self, when I was raising small children. The world seemed very small then and I had my whole life ahead of me. Since those days, there have been small losses and unbearable tragedies to bear. Losses we never expected nor could have imagined. And yet, we survived. A very wise therapist once told me something I will never forget. “Life is loss.” I have thought of those three tiny words so very often, and the incredible weight in their truth. Yes, life is loss, and once you understand the inevitability of that fact- you are able to find the lesson and the hope you need to accept it.

Sorrow prepares you for joy.

It violently sweeps everything
out of your house, so that new
joy can find space to enter.

It shakes the yellow leaves
from the bough of your heart,
so that fresh, green leaves can
grown in their place.

It pulls up rotten roots,
so that new roots hidden
beneath have room to grow.

Whatever sorrow shakes from
your heart, far better things
will take their place.
- Rumi

Change is inevitable, but it isn’t always easy to understand or accept. I don’t just mourn the loss of life of friends and family. I also feel the incredible loss of lost time and wasted moments that can never be regained.

And although I think on loss a great deal, I am not hopeless nor am I depressed. I have come to understand and accept it; I live with it, and I deal with my losses- great and small. I do not allow loss to consume me. It is a teacher and a guide. My losses remind me of who I am and where I have been; and my losses guide my future decisions and choices. I do not dwell in misery or despair. I accept that loss is a huge part of life, but it is NOT every part of life.

"... even out of unspeakable grief, beautiful things take wing."  - A.R. Torres, The Lessons of Loss

The pain of losing people and things, that I have truly loved, reminds me to cherish the people and things I still have right now. Loss has taught me to appreciate what I still have and what is yet to come.

Bashing and trashing may feel like support, but who is it really helping?

It isn't rocket science to understand that relationships are hard!  Anyone who has been in a serious relationship or marriage knows that even under the most ideal circumstances, dealing with another person is not child's play.

Healthy relationships require a level of maturity, communication, commitment and trust which can consume a great deal of time and energy to be successful. But, as they say- you can't live with them, and you can't live without them. To many people, relationships are a mystery, to others a blessing.

So what happens when one person in the couple fails or betrays the other? It happens every day. Most of us have seen friends, family, and co-workers relationships fall to pieces. It is a fairly common human experience. But there are some individuals who feel personally indignant when they learn of a friend's relationship hitting a bump.It brings out a ferocity and venom that can be downright hateful. But why?

Very few people reach middle age without experiencing some heartbreak. If you believe the statistics, divorce is almost the norm. For those who have managed to master marriage and stay together, there are still often issues, deficiencies and serious problems.

Let's face it- relationships are difficult even under the best circumstances. Two adults attempting to work through life together, day in and day out, can find their relationship exhausting and discouraging. For all the wonderful aspects of having a significant other or spouse, there are also restrictions, limitations and inevitable frictions.

I have noticed that when a spouse starts to "vent" to their friends, others may feel they are being supportive or kind when they jump to that person's defense. And in doing so, the bashing can start. One very insidious occurrence is the incidence of bashing that occurs if a couple is fighting, or more especially, if they break up. Then the gloves come off and the nastiness flows. It is very easy to be drawn into these discussions and to jump on the bandwagon or bash-a-thon. In some instances, a friend may be venting some of their own anger while comiserating with their friend. This is not productive for either party.

"He is a low-down, cheating, jerk and you are better off without him." "She was a controlling, b*tch who always held you back." "He isn't fit to live." "She was a pathetic excuse for a wife." 
And on and on and on.

But is it helpful to engage in this kind of bashing? Does it make the other person or injured party feel better? Maybe in the short term, but I think it is very sad and a bit pointless to engage in this sort of speculation. The only people who really and truly know what has happened in a relationship are those two people.

Even they have differing views and concepts of what has happened, so how is it that outsiders who have perhaps only glimpsed snippets of the couple's interaction and no one can fully understand the entire relationship dynamic. Certainly there are situations where people can speculate, but that hardly seems relevant or productive.

Let's use current events to draw from as an example. A famous married actor and politician has a child with the housekeeper and keeps it a secret from his wife and children for over a decade. Everyone has an opinion and the outrage is understandable. Of course we all feel decieved, lied to and disappointed that someone we may have admired would act in such a manner.

Suddenly, women everywhere feel entitled to bash this man and call him every name in the book. If they ever had a boyfriend or spouse betray them, they dredge it up and drag out all the dirty laundry. "All men are liars, cheats, jerks!" Perhaps it brings back the feelings of hurt and disappointment in their own lives; then when it happens to their best friend, they feel it is showing support for her to trash and bash her husband for being the same kind of jerk! But does it really help?

Does any woman feel better from hearing her friends put down the man she once loved? And even if it does make her feel better in the moment, is it productive or of any value? I can't imagine how it could make anyone feel better. If anything, it would make me feel worse.

Human nature is complicated.  I believe we make it so much worse when we attempt to cast judgement on people in situations which don't involve us. We all make serious mistakes we wish we could change. No one is completely free of  fault or poor choices.  Of course we are entitled to opinions and feelings.

Naturally it is important to sympathize with someone who has been hurt or disappointed. There are ways to comfort, counsel and empathize without becoming hostile or caustic in reactions or words.

Perhaps a more constructive way of showing empathy and support is to point out that you can love a person but still be very disappointed and furious with their actions. Love the sinner, hate the sin is a very wise saying. It reminds us that while we may absolutely abhor a person's actions, we shouldn't lose sight of their humanity or fallibility.

No one likes to hear of a marriage or relationship breaking up- especially if one party has hurt or abused the other one in an extreme or public manner. But really, is it anyone else's business or right to insert their opinions into the fray? What good comes from saying nasty things about the person's errant spouse? What does it prove?

If negative, bitter talk provides any insight or clarity, I'll eat my hat. All it really does is stir the proverbial pot of anger, resentment, bitterness and perpetuate the belief that men are dogs, women are cats or whatever cliche you choose. Isn't it better to give both people some dignity and spare all the banal accusations and comments?

Next time a friend has a problem with their spouse or significant other, take time to listen, be compassionate and make positive suggestions. Don't sink down to the level of bashing or baiting. Keep your own anger and feelings of hurt to yourself and remind yourself that we all have our own weaknesses and issues to contend with.

When a relationship ends, no matter how "bad" one party behaved or what the circumstances were that ended it, there is loss for both parties. Give it the dignity it deserves. It takes a great deal more maturity and composure to keep positive and stay on the high road. Dipping into the gutter only makes you dirty.