Share the gift of wisdom and life experiences with loved ones

Imagine all of the knowledge and experience a person gains throughout their life as money in a bank account. At the beginning, there is very little, but by the end, there is usually a fortune in lessons learned.

Sharing life’s lessons is one of the greatest gifts parents can bestow on their children, even when the children are adults. Teaching and giving them counsel continues throughout their lives. The learning doesn’t end once they reach eighteen or twenty-one. There is always another valuable bit of information they can benefit from and another opportunity for insights they may have missed.

No two lives within a family will be exactly the same. Siblings may have had the same parents and experiences, but their life choices and paths may be quite unique. Adult children may take different paths or lifestyles than their parents. And there can be situations and circumstances in the children’s lives which mirror the experience of their parents. Common events like marriage, raising a family, and careers- are often shared. But, even in areas of life where parents have little or no experience, guidance and counsel can be important and welcomed.

A few subjects and occurrences can be too uncomfortable for some parents and adult children to discuss. Divorce, substance abuse problems, death of a spouse, loss of a job and financial problems are a few examples of issues that can cause a breakdown in communication due to feelings of discomfort and pain. But, these are examples of important and critical situations which can benefit by sharing life lessons and discussion.

Reaching out and giving advice to adult children is a great gift, but parents must understand that often their children may seem resistant or hesitant to change their opinions. Patience, love, and understanding are important things to embrace at these times. Leaving ego-based emotions out of the picture is critical for there to be successful interaction. Taking things too personally damages the opportunity for conveying the information and the most important part- the experience.

Being open and honest are key aspects in sharing knowledge with adult children. Expecting adult children to share their intimate feelings and fears is only viable if the parent is willing to share information and lessons which are equally personal. No one likes to feel that they are sharing and the other person is not doing the same. Being vulnerable and admitting fears, mistakes and lessons learned is not an easy task. Parents may feel that they are stepping down from a pedestal if they admit to mistakes or failures. In reality, these are exactly the moments when the parent and adult child can gain the most from one another and the lessons.

Discussing feelings of disappointment and loss to an adult child can feel very disconcerting at first- for both parties; but in time and with practice, it will seem less and less uncomfortable. The foundation should already exist, but this is the time where the most beautiful aspects of the relationship can be formed. While parents and children, of any age, are never 100% equal in the relationship dynamic, the intimacy and closeness these interactions create will bring parent and child to a level of closeness that is truly wonderful. The foundation of the relationship which was built in childhood will become a beautiful structure to be enjoyed for the remaining years together.

Keep in mind; one’s children are only truly “children” for the first eighteen years. The remaining years, which can be many, are the ones where the adult child/parent relationship will have the greatest opportunity to evolve into a beautiful, loving, giving, friendship.

Sharing pains and past disappointments with adult children can help to cement the strong bonds which began when they were young and parents seemed invincible. Adult children need to see their parents for the people they are, not the image the parent had when they were young. The image must be replaced with reality. Authenticity is the basis for building and sustaining the truthful and genuine relationship.

As more and more marriages now end in divorce, the parent/child relationship is often the most long-lasting, enduring, relationships of many people’s lives. Exploring, discussing, and sharing the life experiences with adult children is the greatest inheritance they can receive. They can benefit from the hard earned wisdom and the life lessoned their parents learned along the way.


This was orignially written for  Examiner.com

The pitfalls of living vicariously through children of any age

I orignially wrote this article a few years ago for the Examiner.com site- DC Adult Child Examiner- but it is more relevant than ever. This is a touchy subject, but one which needs to be explored and faced by many parents.

As children grow towards adulthood, it can be a challenge for parents to bridge the gap between childhood to the next stages in their child’s development. Separating their own identity from their child can be a great obstacle for parents.

As children mature, their talents and individual personalities manifest. Often they participate in activities which highlight these gifts and it is a great source of pride for their parents. This is a normal phenomenon which helps the child to be encouraged and increase self esteem. But, in some circumstances, the parent or parents can begin to fixate on their child’s successes in a wholly unhealthy manner. This situation occurs when the parent(s) begin living vicariously through their child. It can begin in early childhood and continue through an adult child’s entire life.

Webster defines: Vicarious 1: serving instead of someone or something else
2: performed or suffered by one person as a substitute for another or to the benefit or advantage of another 3: experienced or realized through imaginative or sympathetic participation in the experience of another


Being genuinely happy or proud of a child is not the same as being obsessed with their accomplishments. A parent basking in the child’s light takes away from the child’s accomplishments and achievements. Unhealthy expressions of pride arise when the parent(s) begin to live vicariously through the achievements of the child in ways which can cause embarrassment, discomfort, stress, anxiety and feelings of hopelessness. It becomes more toxic in nature and can put a great deal of pressure and pain on the child. The worst example of this behavior is when parents become violent at sporting events or other types of competition.

In many instances, the unhealthy behavior begins when the amount of time spent on the child’s achievements outweighs the time parents spend on their own lives and pursuits. There needs to be a healthy balance which takes the pressure off of the child and does not make them feel as if their success is always reflected onto the parents. It is critical for the child to feel that their successes are their own and to feel the love and support of parents without the unhealthy obsessive interest.

Parents may use their children as a distraction from their own problems or disappointments, whether they are marital, financial, or an unfulfilled need to feel special. Loneliness, divorce, or other family problems can exacerbate this behavior.

Dysfunctional parents rely on the pursuits and accomplishments of their children when they have none of their own. This is often seen in the case of “Stage Mothers” or fathers who are coaches. It is often the case in families with high profile persons, such as politicians or high-ranking military families when children’s accomplishments are included as an adjunct to their own list of achievements.

It is the height of narcissism to take credit for the achievements of children of any age. Their lives, personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and individuality must be separate from their parents. The older a child is, the more important it is for them to be seen as their own person with their own identity.

Showing interest and appreciation is one of the greatest joys of parenting. As the child matures to an adult, the parent must begin to divest themselves from the activities and lives of the child. It is intrusive to hover over them and insist on being included in all areas of their life.

A healthy distance and space is required in order for the child to develop into the person they are, separate and apart from their parents and family. It is not productive or loving to insist on being part of every aspect of their lives. In fact, parents should feel a sense of relief at the prospect of having more time for their own pursuits and activities and for the focus to shift on to other parts of their lives.

Being a loving, concerned, involved parent is not the same as living vicariously through a child. The toxic part occurs when it is overdone, excessive, obsessive, and intrusive.

 Being a loving family and sustaining healthy relationships comes down to viewing each family member as an individual who is loved whether they triumph or fail. Respecting children’s choices and differences, as they grow to adulthood, is key to building and nurturing the healthiest relationships possible.

Adult involvement in extracurricular activities detrimental By Peter Lee
Ask Dan: Letting go of dreams for your adult children By Dan Gottlieb
Harming Your Child by Making Him Your Parent By SAMUEL LÓPEZ DE VICTORIA, PH.D.
Great Expectations: May Be Too Great for Only Children By Susan Newman, Ph.D
Parents Turn Violent During Youth Sports By Caitlin A. Johnson
Healthy Encouragement for Your Child's Interests by Kim Rogers
Are You Living Vicariously Through Your Children? By Corinne Casazza


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