In honor of my mother: A Mother's Day reflection on Alzheimer's

                                                          My mother and me 1965

This Mother’s Day has more meaning for my family than it has in past years. Our beloved mother, Gisela Ullmann Rodriguez, is still with us in body- but the wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother that we have known and loved for 50 years, is not wholly with us this year.

My mother is slipping away from us. There isn’t anything that can be done about it. She has what appears to be a form of Alzheimer’s disease.

It all started around January of 2010. It started with very little things, and it didn’t really become alarming until we noticed she was forgetting birthdays and other details she would NEVER in a million years, have forgotten.

When I was growing up, my mother was one of those “SUPER MOMS” who worked outside the home in addition to being an incredible homemaker. Even after working in an office all day, she had an amazing dinner on the table every single night. We were very proud of the fact that she was a valued professional in the workplace, and she was an incredible role model for my sister and me.

As I got older and became a mother to my own children, I could never understand where she got her drive or energy from all those years. She and my father raised my sister and me to have a very strong work ethic; but I could never believe or understand how she managed to accomplish all the things she did. She was renowned for her drive and ability. She lived up to her German roots and never forgot where she came from.

In addition to being a driven wife and professional, she has always been a devoted and patient mother and grandmother. And while she could be very stern and serious, she has always had a great capacity for love, compassion, and generosity.

She retired in December, 1999, from a very stressful and demanding job as an Office Manager/Property Manager of a local condominium. Sometimes she worked close to 60 hour weeks. It wasn’t unusual for her to be on 24 hour a day call and have to go to work on weekends. Always the consummate professional in every regard, she was a relentless advocate for residents, as well as staff.

In previous posts, I have written about my family. It can’t ever be stated strongly enough that my mother was the glue that held our family together. In her prime, there was no problem too difficult, no issue outside of her ability to cope. In dealing with her daughters and grandchildren, she was often tough, but always fair and compassionate. You didn’t want to aggravate her or make her upset, but even if that happened, she was quick to forgive us and move forward (not so much with my father).

                                                           Gisela Ullmann age 11

My mother, Gisela Ullmann Rodriguez, has been the epitome of the modern woman. Born in Köln, Germany, a couple of years before the onset of World War II; her life began amid chaos, danger, and deprivation.

She came into a tough world at a very tough time. She was a child of war, and that experience has been a defining one throughout her entire life. As a small child, she lived in a world of uncertainty and dread. Her house burnt in a bombing raid and the family had to relocate with relatives far from the city life she was used to in Köln. Her one salvation was the strong extended family bonds and the resilience of her mother’s family, which held them all together throughout the years of deprivation and danger.

When my grandfather returned from his years in a British Prisoner of War Camp, she didn’t recognize him. She was ten years old. War was the thing she knew best, and that had a powerful impact on her.

My mother loves my husband, David, because he is, to her, the embodiment of the things she knows and admires most. She respects and admires his ability to DO things and makes things happen. She has a soft spot in her heart for him because he reminds her of her father- a man with many strength, and weaknesses, a man who knew about war and hardship, a man of action and determination, and a man with rough edges and charisma.

                       My family of origin- father, Pablo, sister, Lisa, me, and mother, Gisela, in 2011

Nothing pleases my mother more than seeing someone do an honest day’s work. It isn’t that she didn’t like to have fun; she just wasn’t very good at it. Relaxation and rest has not been her strong suite. In her world, she reserves the highest respect and admiration for those who provide service to others. She sees something familiar to her in David’s soul that none of us in the family have- a first-hand, personal experience, and understanding of war- and all of its sounds, and smells, and sights. They both have lived in war, and that is a bond that is beyond our comprehension.

I could write a book about my mother’s life. She has led a fascinating one. Nothing glamorous or very exciting, but extraordinary in her ability to confront extreme difficulties and pull together under extremely stressful circumstances.

That is why it is almost unbearable to accept and fathom what is happening to her. It is so unexpected and out of character. How could this happen to someone who was so detail-oriented and never, ever, forgot ANYTHING?! She remembered EVERY friend’s birthday and anniversary. Her memory was almost annoying, as she rarely forgot even the most mundane details. Her mind was truly like a steel-trap.

And now, more and more, she can’t recall what happened 20 minutes ago. Sometimes the things that happen in life are crueler than you could have imagined possible. Because the worst part of it is that the things she remembers most vividly are those things that happened during her difficult childhood- war, separation, loss, and family. I fear for a day when that is all she remembers.

So we are grateful to still have our beloved mother with us. We still enjoy her company, and she enjoys us. We have to adjust, and that is a character-building experience. Is it ever? We aren’t alone. There are millions of families who have, or are, or will be, going through what we are now going through. We take it a day at a time. Our love and our time is more precious than ever. Each day she remembers is a cherished gift. We don’t squander it as we did. We don’t take it for granted.

                                  Pablo and Gisela Rodriguez - beloved parents and grandparents

It is the little things that mean the most: Finding joy and gratitude in the simplest acts

Clichés are often eschewed for their overuse or stereotypes. I think we can actually gain a great deal of insight and wisdom from certain clichés. One of the most profound is, “Little things mean a lot.” Rather than view the platitudes that some clichés invoke, I look for the universal truth and commonality that lies within.

This leads me to the point of this posting, which is to celebrate and honor the little, simple, things that can bring so much joy and pleasure to our lives. That is, if we are conscious enough to notice and appreciate them.

 Here is a list of simple acts which bring me great happiness and joy:

  1. Every morning my husband makes me a cup of tea. While this may seem a mundane little ritual, to me it is always romantic, thoughtful and incredibly kind.

2. Getting a text message or a phone call from one of my children. They are grown up and have lives of their own now, and I don’t expect them to call every day. It is really a lovely, simple, treat to hear from them and know they are thinking about me.

  3. Talking to my granddaughter. Anyone who has a grandchild will understand this one. Being a grandparent isn’t the same as being a parent. You really DO get all the wonderful parts of being a parent with none of the bad things. Spending time with my granddaughter reminds me of how wonderful it is to be loved by a small child, and it brings back the sweetness of mothering my own children. Just hearing her say, “Oma”, is one of the simplest delights of my life.

4. Having someone do something for me, unsolicited, that makes my day lighter or easier. Whether it is my husband making a special dinner, or my daughter cleaning the house, or the time my oldest son stopped by the house and delivered a meal; simple acts of kindness are amazing and wondrous.  

5. Receiving a card or a letter from someone. I know this is a dying concept, but I still absolutely adore receiving a card or a note from a friend or family member. I would rather receive a heartfelt card, with personal sentiments written on it, than a gift.

6. Giving or receiving a sincere and warm hug. Some people enjoy hugs more than others, but if you like hugs, you know how rich and wonderful it is to receive one from someone you care about. Physical closeness, whether to a beloved pet or family member, is bonding and calming. Holding my sweet poodle in my lap is one of the simplest joys in my life.

7. Enjoying a meal with a friend or loved one. It doesn’t have to be a posh or fancy place. Just sitting with someone you really care about and being able to spend that time with them is a simple, but joyful experience. I don’t get to see my sister as much as I would like, but when we are able to break away from the hectic lives we lead, and enjoy a meal together and talk, it is absolute heaven.

8. Having someone remember a special day or memory. A small, simple, act that brings me great joy is hearing one of my children or loved one share a specific memory with me. Recently, my younger son asked friends on his facebook to write a favorite memory on his wall, and he would share one of his. That was such a great idea. Remembering and sharing memories is a simple, effortless act of sharing.

9. Spending time with my parents. Now that they are getting older, and especially because my mother is struggling with the onset of Alzheimer’s, time with them has become very precious. A simple pleasure, because it doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing. Just being with them, whether it is for an hour or a day, is meaningful and a joy.

10. Receiving praise or respect from co-workers and boss. This simple act certainly doesn’t need explaining. I am very fortunate to be in a place in my career where I regularly receive praise and am shown respect for my knowledge and abilities. It has taken a long time to get to this place, and it brings me great happiness and contentment.

 11. Being able to look in the mirror and like what you see. A truly simple act, with enormous impact and potential. Yes, I look older and yes, there are many imperfections, but I like the person I am and am happy with my life as it is right now. A simple, but profound, state of gratitude, acceptance, and serenity.

If we can’t find joy in the simplest things, there will be no rest or peace or happiness in the grandest ones. For all the wealth and trappings of glamour, fame, or worldly adoration, if a person is unable to find joy in everyday acts of kindness and simple pleasures- happiness and contentment will elude them.

It is all too easy to become lost in the acquisition of material goods and objects. Who wouldn’t enjoy having a new car, or taking an expensive vacation? Obviously those things are the “easy” way to experience a sense of pleasure or contentment. But without having a basic foundation of gratitude and an understanding of the value of simple joys, things that can be bought will only become a substitution and a distraction for the beauty of the little things. Nature does indeed abhor a vacuum.
 
ENJOY the simple acts of kindness and find ways to express them to those you love. Life is too short to lose sight of the richness that simple pleasures can bring.

Share the gift of wisdom and life experiences with loved ones

Imagine all of the knowledge and experience a person gains throughout their life as money in a bank account. At the beginning, there is very little, but by the end, there is usually a fortune in lessons learned.

Sharing life’s lessons is one of the greatest gifts parents can bestow on their children, even when the children are adults. Teaching and giving them counsel continues throughout their lives. The learning doesn’t end once they reach eighteen or twenty-one. There is always another valuable bit of information they can benefit from and another opportunity for insights they may have missed.

No two lives within a family will be exactly the same. Siblings may have had the same parents and experiences, but their life choices and paths may be quite unique. Adult children may take different paths or lifestyles than their parents. And there can be situations and circumstances in the children’s lives which mirror the experience of their parents. Common events like marriage, raising a family, and careers- are often shared. But, even in areas of life where parents have little or no experience, guidance and counsel can be important and welcomed.

A few subjects and occurrences can be too uncomfortable for some parents and adult children to discuss. Divorce, substance abuse problems, death of a spouse, loss of a job and financial problems are a few examples of issues that can cause a breakdown in communication due to feelings of discomfort and pain. But, these are examples of important and critical situations which can benefit by sharing life lessons and discussion.

Reaching out and giving advice to adult children is a great gift, but parents must understand that often their children may seem resistant or hesitant to change their opinions. Patience, love, and understanding are important things to embrace at these times. Leaving ego-based emotions out of the picture is critical for there to be successful interaction. Taking things too personally damages the opportunity for conveying the information and the most important part- the experience.

Being open and honest are key aspects in sharing knowledge with adult children. Expecting adult children to share their intimate feelings and fears is only viable if the parent is willing to share information and lessons which are equally personal. No one likes to feel that they are sharing and the other person is not doing the same. Being vulnerable and admitting fears, mistakes and lessons learned is not an easy task. Parents may feel that they are stepping down from a pedestal if they admit to mistakes or failures. In reality, these are exactly the moments when the parent and adult child can gain the most from one another and the lessons.

Discussing feelings of disappointment and loss to an adult child can feel very disconcerting at first- for both parties; but in time and with practice, it will seem less and less uncomfortable. The foundation should already exist, but this is the time where the most beautiful aspects of the relationship can be formed. While parents and children, of any age, are never 100% equal in the relationship dynamic, the intimacy and closeness these interactions create will bring parent and child to a level of closeness that is truly wonderful. The foundation of the relationship which was built in childhood will become a beautiful structure to be enjoyed for the remaining years together.

Keep in mind; one’s children are only truly “children” for the first eighteen years. The remaining years, which can be many, are the ones where the adult child/parent relationship will have the greatest opportunity to evolve into a beautiful, loving, giving, friendship.

Sharing pains and past disappointments with adult children can help to cement the strong bonds which began when they were young and parents seemed invincible. Adult children need to see their parents for the people they are, not the image the parent had when they were young. The image must be replaced with reality. Authenticity is the basis for building and sustaining the truthful and genuine relationship.

As more and more marriages now end in divorce, the parent/child relationship is often the most long-lasting, enduring, relationships of many people’s lives. Exploring, discussing, and sharing the life experiences with adult children is the greatest inheritance they can receive. They can benefit from the hard earned wisdom and the life lessoned their parents learned along the way.


This was orignially written for  Examiner.com

Honoring my father on Father's Day

Today is Father's Day and I have been reflecting on the relationship I have with my own father, Pablo A. Rodriguez. I have been truly blessed to have a father who has always been someone I can admire and adore. My father is a man who has overcome incredible obstacles in his life. He came to the United States, from Cuba, as a very young man, and through the years he has created a life that is all one could ever hope for. He had a solid, 40 year career at the Organization of American States, retired at a fairly young age, and has become an accomplished actor/model/voice over professional. He has the love, respect, and admiration of more people than many people even know. His friends have been his friends for life.

My father is one of the most positive, upbeat and kind people you will ever meet. Is he sounding too much like a saint? FAR FROM IT! He is an extremely flawed person, which he will readily and happily admit. He is more comfortable in his own skin than any person I have ever met. I can count on one hand the days he has been in a really "bad" mood. He is blessed with more personality and pizazz than most people in the professional entertainment business; and yet he invented and should have a patent for road rage. Inside a moving vehicle is the only place on Earth where he becomes an extremely unpleasant person. Go figure. I guess everyone has to have their place or activity to vent  anger and frustrations.

We who know this side of him do our best to avoid being passengers for too long of a ride. But, he is always ready, able, and willing to drive any of us anywhere, anytime and never complains about the trouble we put him through. I feel sure that in his day, he has driven his children and grandchildren the distance twice around the circumference of the planet. At least it seems like it. My father RARELY complains. If he is unhappy about something, he deals with it. He doesn't easily hold a grudge, and if he does, it is for a VERY good reason.

My father has been a "dad" to more kids of single parents than I can even begin to name. They know who they are. He is godfather to half a dozen children. I can remember him coming home from work in the evening, and all the children in the neighborhood would flock to him like he was the Pied Piper. To this day, he is loved by children and animals. He has a gentle, loving, kind expression and shows affection and tenderness easily. He is "Papi" to a multitude of people, young, and now, old.

I know everyone thinks their father is great. I KNOW mine is! He isn't a hero, a statesman, a millionaire or a perfect husband, but he has ALWAYS been a loving, accepting, patient and generous father. More so than I can ever in a million years give him thanks for. He inspired in me a love of learning, reading, the outdoors and culture. My father has inspired and support me through thick and thin. Sure he has been mad as hell at me, and we have had our share of hot blooded arguments. We are both Taurus and Cuban, so you can imagine that we have butted heads in our day. But he is a tender and gentle man with the soul of an artist and has more grace, dignity and thoughtfulness in him than an army of men.

It has taken me half a century to really understand how lucky I am to have Pablo Rodriguez as my father, my friend and my loving supporter. I thank him and praise him for all he has been and continues to be to all of us who love him so dearly. Happy Father's Day, Papi. Te amo mucho.