The ridiculous and maddening world of the arrogant asshat: Learning to deal with difficult people

                                                                   " It's all about me!"

Lately I have the distinct feeling that there has been an arrogant asshat population explosion! They are all around us- in real life, on television, in cyberspace, and our own families. One thing is sure, if you have to deal with an arrogant asshat, your quality of life can be greatly altered. BUT the good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

“The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind.” -  Albert Camus

 

 

Arrogance goes beyond being assertive, pushy, or even cocky. Arrogance is that over the top expectation a person has which causes them to act as if the world must bend to their opinion, will, and belief about everything, without question or hesitation. Whether the arrogant asshat in your life is male or female, young or old makes no difference. Dealing with that type of individual is truly one of the most unpleasant and frustrating situations in life.

Definition of ARROGANCE

: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

The older I get, the less patience I have for arrogant asshats. Where do they get off thinking the world is going to bow to them? What causes a person to become so self-absorbed and full of themselves? Is it nature, nurture, or a combination of both? Is there an “asshat gene”?  Science was never my forte, but I suppose there could be arguments for both theories. All I know is that I have the ANTI-asshat gene.

 

“Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

I am currently struggling with some WORLD CLASS ARROGANT ASSHATS in my life. I am not about to allow my precious peace of mind and happiness be polluted by the toxic miasma they give off.

Life is too short to waste a minute of it fretting and obsessing over the attitudes and actions of others. Heaven knows I, and most everyone, have far better uses for my time and energy. My suggestion, and advice, for dealing with arrogant asshats is as follows:

1. IGNORE as best you can.

2. If ignoring fails, minimize contact, reactions, attention- because they do LOVE the attention.

3. Realize that most arrogant asshats are truly bitter, sad, miserable, lost souls. I am not saying you have to feel sorry for them, just know that is what usually fuels their arrogance.

4. NEVER let them see you sweat.

5. Living well is always the best revenge. Your happiness is the antidote to their power. If you let their arrogance and superior attitude beat you down- THEY WIN.

6. NEVER let an arrogant asshat win. EVER!

7. Pick your battles with arrogant asshats. They love to fight, don’t engage.

8. If you have to “fight”, don’t give up the moral high ground. Arrogant asshats love to drag others into their cesspool. It makes them feel righteous.

9. If you happen to be related to an arrogant asshat, do the best you can. We can’t pick our families, so it is important to develop great powers of detachment and a sense of humor.

10. LAUGH at them. Laughter can really help deflect their ridiculous pomposity and sense of entitlement. After all, it is truly absurd to be a spoiled three year old in the body of an adult.

 

 

A very good article on the topic was featured in the Washington Post in 2011, called “The fine line between confidence and arrogance”.  Written by someone far smarter and more eloquent that I, I have highlighted the best advice from the piece:

If you find that you are guilty of some the behaviors above, rethink your approach and keep your ego in check:

• Instead of bragging about your personal achievements, find a way to spotlight someone else’s work. Consider talking up team triumphs.

• During interviews or when interacting with a recruiter, be careful not to interrupt and listen carefully to the questions asked before responding.

• Transform your arrogance into self-confidence by showing vulnerability — be willing to share past mistakes, limitations and fears.

• Be humble.

• Have the courage to discuss opposing ideas without being judgmental.

• Seek out learning partners and trusted colleagues and ask them for honest feedback. Where do they perceive you along the confidence-arrogance continuum? If they say that you come across as haughty at times, learn which behaviors give this impression.

• Finally, understand how confidence is expressed in the culture in which you’re working (modesty is valued in many Asian cultures, so you’ll want to tone it down a bit when interacting with Japanese employers and colleagues).

When life is unfair, unbalanced, unfazed, unfriended, and unappreciated: Trying to manage the “UNs”

 

“I think its liquid aggravation that circulates through his veins, not regular blood. “ – Charles Dickens

The past few months flew by and I was inundated with the “UNs”.  I have been acutely aware of how life can be especially UN-fair, and I’ve been dealing with some issues which have left me UN-balanced, and yet I have remained UN-fazed.

I have recently been UN-friended, both in “real life” and in the social media universe, due to a petty and immature situations and suspect agendas. But I have also been UN-derstood and experienced UN-wavering support by more than my share of wonderful, loving, kind, and generous people. As always, my life is filled with more good than bad, but the bad has taken a toll on my writing, or lack thereof, and my ability to focus.

One thing I noticed were some particularly telling facebook statuses, which I will share, as they truly capture what has been happening recently:

 §  There just aren't enough hours in a day, and I don't possess the energy, to write everything I would love to be writing right now. Trying to find balance, and manage my time and energy level, is my greatest challenge at the moment.

 §  I am going to jump on the bandwagon and just say that if you don't understand anything else about the horrific events that happened in that Colorado movie theater, understand this- Don't take a minute of life for granted. Love your loved ones as if each day was your last. No matter where you are, or who you are, there is no certainty in the future. I know the first thought that came into my head was my loved ones and how precious they are to me. HUG your loved ones a little harder today and be mindful of how blessed you are to still have them with you.

§  An emotional day. Thinking about Lance and then about the passing of Neil, and having a very great lunch with some awesome ladies, and missing my girls who are in Maine, and spending some great quality time with my mister. Life is really a series of emotions and events that can truly move you. I am grateful for all the blessings in my life, and for all the amazing people who touch us, near and far. ((tears)) Hug your loved ones. I am hugging you all.

 §  I have come to realize that most people create their own personal Hell. Unless you, or someone you love, have an illness or similar uncontrollable condition/accident/injury, YOU HAVE choices, options, and opportunities to have a better life. There are reasons many people are unhappy, and most of the time it has to do with their own actions and choices. Most people hold themselves back because they are too stubborn, foolish, fearful, or lazy to make things better for themselves. It may take HARD WORK, effort, and a little pain- but the most of the time, the ONLY person holding anyone back from a better life is THAT PERSON! STOP the blame game and get over it. That is all.

§  PEOPLE of the world, please keep in mind that if you can't walk the walk, and can't talk the talk, DON'T call yourself something you aren't. Earn your f*cking stripes like the rest of us normal people had to do. If you do otherwise, you are a fraud and an imposter. I am red-hot right now. My fury may cause another earthquake.

“Learning and innovation go hand in hand. The arrogance of success is to think that what you did yesterday will be sufficient for tomorrow. “- William Pollard

So as you can see, I have been having some challenging and frustrating feelings whirling around and I am trying to manage the “UNs” in my life and keep a positive perspective. Some days I succeed, others- not so much.

 

  I am trying to keep up with my writing, but there are some impediments and blocks to my creativity right now. I am working through these issues and attempting to channel the angst and anger, but UN-fortunately, I am not winning that battle at this moment. The war is not over and I am not defeated, just a bit UN-dermined. I am determined to conquer this UN-pleasantness and rise above the fray.

“When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.” – Mark Twain

 

As I work through the issues, situations, and UN-pleasant things I am dealing with, I am learning more lessons, gaining more insights, and realizing more and more how fortunate I am to have a strong spirit, a supportive and loving family, a treasure trove of loyal and constant friends, and that life is not always sparkling and joyful in every aspect. I am seeking to find solutions and balance to deal with the areas which, in this moment, are UN-settling, UN-fulfilling, UN-inspiring, and UN-nerving.

I remain UN-fazed, UN-deterred, UN-broken, and UN-relenting. Hopefully the cloud will lift soon and fall will bring some new adventures and challenges. Wish me luck, say some prayers, and let’s hope this difficult time will soon be a distant UN-pleasant memory.

“Experience is the best teacher, but a fool will learn from no other.”

– Benjamin Franklin

Detachment is not indifference, it is freedom

The past two years have been a steep personal growth point for me- a VERY STEEP growth point. I have come to understand many things about myself and the world around me. I have learned some very tough and difficult lessons about my life, the people who truly matter most in my life, and sadly, some who never did nor will. It hasn’t been easy, but it has allowed me to become a better person in every aspect of my life.

Detachment has a great deal to do with the growth I have experienced. Detachment from unhealthy thoughts, feelings, people, and activities has freed up my mind, heart, and time to explore and know a world of wonder. It took many years and a great deal of soul-searching and introspection to get where I am. Once I got it, I REALLY got it! Detachment is an amazing thing! So this is what real freedom feels like!

What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational

* Giving another person "the space" to be herself

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people

* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing

* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence

* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point

* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them

* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be"

* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you

-  from the Livestrong website

Detachment has given me a sense of peace and allowed me to release hurt and disappointment. It isn’t a deadening or denial of feelings. It is actually quite the opposite!

Detachment has cleared the way for me to remove myself from people and things that were holding me back, or drawing me into situations of drama and unhealthy and unbalanced relationships and situations. It was affecting my professional, as well as, my personal life. It’s okay that I can’t “FIX “everything and everyone around me. And on the flip side, I respect their right to their own way of feeling and acting. It isn’t my job to worry about everyone and every situation. It is my job to worry about my own actions and choices.

For many years, I was too trusting and accepting for my own good. I wanted to see things that either didn’t exist or I imagined possibility where there was none. I am a naturally optimistic person, but I have learned the hard way that there are going to be relationships and situations where people are just not going to understand, accept, like, appreciate or love me. And that is okay!  It is up to me to LOVE MYSELF.

   I found that I was emotionally investing in people I should not have.  I was allowing myself to be hurt over and over again. And for what? For whom? Really!!! WHY was I doing that to myself? I finally had that “AHA” moment and understood it was up to ME to finally realize that I can’t change others, I can only change myself. Establishing emotional boundaries was one of the greatest steps I have ever taken to get to the place of peace and happiness I have finally attained.

If others want to engage in "dramarific" and petty games because they are emotionally or intellectually incapable of having healthy relationships, so be it. I am not signing on for those kind of relationships anymore.
I wasted too many years of my life on situations/friendships/ relationships/people  that either wouldn’t or couldn’t give me the respect or consideration I deserved. It wasn’t up to me to FIX every situation! 
 
It has taken nearly all of my life to get here, but it was worth every minute. WhileI wish I could have gotten here sooner, the truly important thing is that I made it.

And of course there are still situations and people which cause me to feel negative feelings, emotions, and distress. I am only human. But I find these situations become less frequent and less powerful with each passing day.

It feels good to be in control of myself, my actions, my life and my choices without having to obsess or worry about those things in others.