Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret: The secrets we keep can be more unsettling than the truths we tell

We learn to keep secrets at an early age. Most people will get their cues about secrets and honesty from their parents or role models. If a child has been encouraged to keep secrets, or viewed their parents being secretive, they are bound to learn sneaky or concealing behaviors and believe them to be the norm.

Secrets are universal. Keeping secrets is part human nature, part cultural, and part learned dysfunctional behavior.

PostSecret is an entire website, and many books, that delves into the phenomenon of secrets and hidden events or thoughts. “PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.”

                                              - From the PostSecret Website -

I encourage everyone to take some time and look it over. Some of it may shock you. It can be an incredibly liberating experience being able to FINALLY tell a long-held secret. Some of the secrets are very sad. Others many incite a feeling of rage. Most people will be able to relate to some of the less dramatic secrets.

We all have had, or still carry, secrets. Some of them are harmless and banal. Keeping secrets about small things, like how many cookies we ate, or not wanting to admit when we made a minor mistake at work, are normal and to be expected. Secrets start to take on a life of their own when they involved BIG THINGS like our children, our spouse, or employer, our country, or our character.

Secrets are so universal that you could fill a library with books and films which bear the theme of secrecy, betrayal, lies, and hidden events. We often find secrets fascinating, repulsive, exciting, or frightening. Some people have affairs simply because their lives are boring, and they long for the "excitement" of secrecy.

Wikipedia says- “Secrecy (also called clandestinity or furtiveness) is the practice of hiding information from certain individuals or groups, perhaps while sharing it with other individuals. That which is kept hidden is known as the secret.

Secrecy is often controversial, depending on the content of the secret, the group or people keeping the secret, and the motivation for secrecy. Secrecy by government entities is often decried as excessive or in promotion of poor operation; excessive revelation of information on individuals can conflict with virtues of privacy and confidentiality.”

Some of the most terrifying things I’ve ever heard have started out with these sentences:

“I’ve never told anyone this before…”

“I know you are going to find this hard to believe…”

“I don’t really know where to begin…”

“I hope this won’t change your opinion of me.” or the similar, “I hope you won’t be shocked by what I am about to tell you.”

 I’ve had my share of guts spilled all over me. I've spilled mine over other people. It often isn’t pretty. Sometimes it can change your life. But sharing secrets is, more times than not, better in the long run than trying to keep them hidden.  I admit to unpleasant, shameful secrets, which have all come to light or I have finally shared. Many of them, I am not proud of.

Who hasn’t done something in their life they would rather forget? Who hasn’t been a less than wonderful parent, friend, or spouse? But keeping poor or dysfunctional behavior a secret means it isn’t being dealt with or addressed. In order to make a true amends, or correct the behavior which is being kept secret, the issues and situations must come to light.

Believe this- the negative energy and stress required in keeping a secret will only increase in time, and it will, for most people, begin to eat away at their soul. Secrets can be toxic and harmful enough to destroy a person’s entire life.

Almost everyone has shared, or had someone else share, a secret they would rather not have known about or wish they could forget. Wouldn’t life be so much easier and simpler if we didn’t have terrible and shameful things that we have either had to, or chose to, hide?

Many people believe it is better to keep their secrets. They convince themselves they are protecting others, or themselves, from pain, hurt, humiliation, or scandal. And every day you can see examples in the headlines, or  on television, of the terrible outcomes of that theory.

We see examples of the husband, or wife, who is trying to hide the affair from their spouse- because they don’t “want to hurt them”. The pedophile hides their evil deeds because they don’t want to face the shame and disgrace which will befall their family.

The unfortunate part is that it isn’t a factor of IF a secret will be revealed; it is only a matter of when. And perhaps more importantly, if a person doesn’t want to hurt their spouse or family, or even themselves, they shouldn't engage in the secretive behavior in the first place. That is the surest, more reliable, way to shield and protect those you love from pain, humiliation, suffering, and consequences.

Secrets rarely stay hidden. It may take months, years, or even decades- but in my experience, and from historical evidence, secrets almost always come to light. And one of the most unpleasant, and unfortunate, aspects of secrets is that the longer it has been concealed, the more distress, hurt, pain, and shock it will cause once it FINALLY comes to light.

Someone finding out a terrible betrayal or unpleasant event in real time is certainly upsetting and can cause problems in a marriage, job, or friendship. Finding out the same information five or ten years later can be devastating beyond repair.

The reasons for this are fairly obvious. As an example, if I do something wrong and I come clean and tell the other person about my mistake immediately, for one thing, it will show that person that although I have erred, I am sorry and I want to make amends.

If, on the other hand, I do something to break trust or faith with them and I conceal it, sometimes for years, when they eventually find out (and the percentages show that they probably will); not only has my mistake or lie been exposed- I have also shown that I had no remorse for my actions, nor the honor or integrity to admit it. A lose, lose proposition if there ever was one.

                                                                                             Roy Lichtenstein-CryingGirl

There are many lies people tell themselves when they are keeping secrets. Often a person tries to convince themself that the other person, or people, involved are better off not knowing. How many terrible crimes have been committed because of that self-deceit and cowardly excuse? And think of the Bernie Madoffs of the world and the John Edwards, and the Marion Barrys-   all prime examples of people who believed that they could “get away with it” and they were trying to protect someone with their lies. How convenient is that?

Tragically, children who have been sexually abused believe they have to keep their abuse secret or terrible, dangerous consequences will happen.

Having been sexually abused as a child, by a neighbor, I can relate to that feeling. I kept that secret all to myself for many, many, years. I felt that something terrible would happen if I told. My seven year old mind had convinced itself that if I told my parents, something would happen that would make my life unbearable. I was terrified that my father would kill my victimizer and would go to jail. I believed that keeping my secret was the only way to keep the people I loved safe. What an agony my parents went through many years later when I finally told them the truth. By that time, it was simply too late to do anything because the sexual predator had moved and no one knew of his whereabouts.

Keeping any kind of secret can create devastation and ruin. Gay politicians who fear for their careers and stay in the closet, even marrying a woman and having children- and all the while having affairs with men, keep their secret because they have convinced themselves that it is the only way they can continue with their “dream” of holding public office. That is a giant cop out and one of the most painful and shameful betrayals a person can lay on another.

Anyone keeping a financial secret from their spouse will surely learn that it will only be a matter of time before their world implodes in ruin. Believing that a spouse is better off not knowing is madness because both people will eventually have to deal with the fallout.

Parents will often keep the secret of a dead marriage from their children, wrongly thinking that they are somehow protecting them with the lie, but when the marriage finally collapses and the kids are shocked to realize that there were problems all along, the betrayal and hurt can destroy a family. How do you begin to build trust again after years of secrecy and lies?  It isn’t pleasant or pretty, and it can take years to heal, if the healing is even possible.

Last but not least, attempting to keep addiction a secret from family, friends, and employers, is one of the most futile and hopeless cases. There is no possible way for an alcoholic or drug addict to keep the secret of their addiction for very long. There are many who will be in denial about a loved one or employee’s addiction issues, but at some point the secret will be exposed and the situation will have to be dealt with accordingly.

Some other secrets that people believe they can keep, but rarely do:

• Depression
• Physical or mental illness
• Gambling or shopping addictions, or secret debts
• “Love children” or secret family members
• Criminal record
• Political scandal
• Addiction to pornography
• Internet addiction, to include internet “affairs” and inappropriate online relationships
• Fraud
• Identity theft
• Stolen valor
• Plagiarism
• Internet dating secrets
• Misrepresentation of credentials or degrees
• False persona
• Pyramid schemes or dicey investments

If you search the word, secret, on any of the top internet search engines, there will be a wealth of information. Secrets are a hot topic in almost every aspect of life. It is surprising that something so common still has the potential to be so upsetting.

I have learned the hard way that secrets have the potential to destroy the best parts of life. Losing integrity and self-respect is one of the worst aspects of keeping secrets. Secrets can keep people from truly sharing and connecting. Secrets breed more secrets and they eventually cause a person to despair.

In my humble and compassionate opinion, a life without secrets brings peace of mind and serenity rather than the chaos and hopelessness of attempting to conceal things which may or may not stay concealed.

If by some chance something does remain a secret, what price does a person pay when they have to look in the mirror each day and know that they are not true to themselves or others around them? That price is too steep for most and the cost may be everything.

The kids AREN'T alright- Why getting wasted with the kids is never a good idea

Photo: Charlottesville Police Department/AP

If you live in the Commonwealth of Virginia, you can’t miss all the coverage of the tragic murder case where two young people attending the University of Virginia were caught up in a volatile and finally, lethal relationship.

It is a sad and sick story, even more so because it is a story that could happen to any family, under the same circumstances. In this case, it occurred in a family of financial and societal means.  The Huguely family had everything going for them, by our current standards of success and good fortune. He was nice looking, smart, athletic, privileged. So, how does something like this happen to a family? Is it environment, culture, genes, or a deadly combination of them all?

What happened?
The young man, George Huguely V, is on trial for murdering his former girlfriend, apparently in a drunken rage. Reading the accounts in the newspapers of his massive alcohol consumption and drinking habits is disturbing by itself.

Even more disturbing is the information that on at least occasion, he was drinking with his father, George IV; and on another occasion with his mother. Perhaps this is considered normal in many families, and if that is the case, I think there is more to worry about than college high- jinx and partying. Parents take note: many of you are NOT going to like some of the things I am going to say, but perhaps you may need to listen.

Getting loaded with the parents
I am truly disturbed by the sad details that have emerged from this trial. In addition to being shocked by the amount of drinking that is going on in the lives of college students, the worst and most damaging part of this tragedy is that the parents were at best, enablers, at worst, accomplices.  

Clearly the culture of alcohol abuse and addiction is passed from generation to generation, not only through genes, but by the messages and values these parents are imparting on their kids. Perhaps the parents, and this is clearly speculation on my part, as I do not know any of the parties involved- are so steeped in their own alcoholism that they failed to recognize the serious warning signs in their son’s behavior.

Perhaps it is simply the culture of boozing and getting plastered so you can let your inhibitions out in a very button-downed, WASPish environment. I know of families who engage in what I consider outrageous drinking with their adult children and I have very strong opinions about it. I am not going to get on a pedestal and say that they are being bad parents. I don’t have to. The proof is in the pudding.

Time and time again there are instances that come to light about parents who allow their children, even encourage them, to drink to excess. Some of them have been famous- politicians, celebrities, sports personalities. Now and again there are articles or news stories about everyday “regular” families where this happens. The kids get in trouble, and upon further investigation, it is discovered that they were partying with the parents.



The death of common sense or generational problems?
This leads us to ponder, what are these parent’s thinking? Clearly there are some very serious family dynamics to investigate, but we will leave that to the mental health professionals. Many parents don’t have proper boundaries with their children and want to “be their friends” more than they want to play a parental role.

And last but not least, the addiction issue. If mom and dad can’t monitor or control their own alcohol use, how are they going to be able to have a clear and objective view of Junior, or in this case, the fifth’s alcohol use or abuse?

Lessons learned
So here we have a beautiful young woman, brutally killed in the prime of life by a young man with everything to live for, who is now most likely going to spend the rest of his days behind bars. Being drunk out of your mind is not a legal defense. Many people don’t realize that important legal reality. Just because you were drunk does not negate responsibility.

Such a waste of two young lives, and for what? It’s all fun and games until someone gets killed. How many people die every year as a result of young people, or their parents, being drunk behind the wheel of a car? It is a wakeup call when it happens, but then… it’s too late.

Too late for some, but not for others
I hope and pray that this case will be the wakeup call for many of these college kids and their indulgent and reckless parents.
Parents- please stop getting drunk with your kids. Kids- please get the clue that just because mom and dad do it doesn’t mean it is right or okay. Be man, or woman, enough to see that excessive drinking and alcohol abuse is no way to deal with life or problems or societal pressure. If everyone at the country club is shitfaced, be an individual and save yourself, and your future kids, some heartache.

If you find that you can’t stop or you need support outside your family, there are places you can go for encouragement and support in a sober life. Don’t wait until something horrible happens, because it usually does.

Boylan Heights bar at center of U-Va. drinking scene - The Washington Post

Seven things that truly matter

This will be my last post of 2011 and I want to keep it short, sweet, and on point, so there will only be the top seven. They say that seven is a magical and mystical number, and I think it is a good starting point. I have settled for seven since I have so many things that matter to me, way too numerous to name.

The past year has been an action-packed collection of incredible highs and discouraging lows. I have experienced, once again, the importance of focusing on the things that truly matter. To do otherwise is an enormous waste of time, energy, and resources. 

2011 reinforced some critical values and gave me some deep clarity and insight into the things that make my life as rich and blessed as it is.

Here are the top seven things that truly matter to me:

1. My family and friends.  Without them, I would be lost. They are the people who are my greatest teachers, my solace, my strength, my inspiration and my heart. This is not to say that they can also drive me mad. The goodness and generosity of my family is worth all the struggle, aggravation and stress that come with human relationships and dynamics. I love the people in my family, and extended family, with a ferocity and strength that is able to overcome the little annoyances and fusses that may arise.

2. My career. Years ago I would never have imagined how important my career would become to me. I was a stay-at-home mom for ten years and when I went back into the workforce, I had to struggle and deal with things that prevented me from really loving what I was doing. Working was a means to an end- a way to support my children and myself. While I still have to work to pay the bills, I actually love my work now. My career brings me incredible satisfaction and makes me feel complete as a person. I actually do get paid to do what I love- writing.

3. My marriage. Yes, of course I consider my husband to be part of my family, but as those of us who are married know- marriage is a very different “animal”.  I have been with my husband for many years, but we only married in 2011. Being a wife to the man I love has taught me that marriage is something that must be worked at daily, and it is probably the most challenging and difficult relationship in life. That said, it is also one of the most glorious and sublime states a person can hope to have. I was single, after my first marriage ended, for over 20 years. I didn’t think I would ever marry again. I was afraid to fail again, so I avoided the possibility of marriage for many years. But I have come to realize that despite the difficulties, frustrations, challenges, and heartaches- marriage is truly wonderful and I am so thankful for mine.

4. My health. Such a cliché but so very relevant, especially as one ages. I am so very thankful for my health and the health of my family and friends. Good health is the foundation of so many other joys and it gives possibility to so much. I never take it for granted and it is something that makes all the difference.

5. My sanity and sobriety. While there are many days where I question the former, the latter is something that truly matters to me. Mental illness and addiction bring incredible unhappiness, chaos, strife and misery to so many people, their families, and society at large. I am grateful to have both and I pray every day that all those who struggle with either, or both, will find the strength, grace, and courage to seek the help they need. I encourage ALL people to work to help those who suffer with these conditions in any way they are able. The differences between a life of sanity and sobriety, and that of mental illness and addiction, have no compare.

6. My integrity and self esteem.  Without integrity and self esteem, or self respect, life would be an empty and hollow existence. Even if you managed to amass a financial fortune or incredible fame, what would it matter if you weren’t a person with integrity? And if you live your life without self-respect or esteem, you can’t possibly find a way to enjoy all the other wonderful parts of life that make it worth the struggle. In truth, without self-esteem, self-love or respect, you can’t truly love anyone else in a healthy or productive way.  I am happy that I have reached a point in my life where I feel content and at peace with my integrity and self-esteem. It took many years, many lessons and a great deal of pain- but I feel that I reached the point of being comfortable, happy and proud of the person I am.

7. My spiritual faith and my love of country. As they say, last but not least- my faith and my love of country are two things that keep me grounded and bring me incredible joy. If I did not have either of these blessings in my life, I would truly be lost. I don’t push either of these things on anyone. I believe they are two of the most personal and private aspects of a person. But I will give testimony to the value and the goodness of both. I love God and I love my country and I am not ashamed for anyone to know. They have both brought infinite happiness and satisfaction to my life. I am grateful to both for my life, my blessings and my many opportunities.

I wish everyone a blessed, joyous, serene, and prosperous 2012. May you find the things in your life that truly matter to you, and find a way to live life to its fullest.

Tis’ the season – alcohol, the holidays, and a fresh new start

Yes, tis’ the season to be jolly, festive, merry and full of holiday spirit and cheer. But why does it seem that holiday “spirit and cheer” must be alcohol-related? More and more I get the feeling that without alcohol, a great number of people are unable to enjoy social gatherings of any kind. Have we reached a point where fun and joy must include drinking alcohol?

At this time of year there are abundant holiday parties, open houses and family gatherings, and with them- much pressure to drink, and over- drink, which is a nice way to say “drunk”.  There is so much pressure to drink, it seems inconceivable to many that there are many of us out there who manage just fine without partaking. As a matter of fact, we may be having the most fun of all in our sobriety.

Many years ago, I came to the realization that alcohol brought nothing positive to my life or relationships, and I made the decision to live a sober life. I have never regretted that decision. Before that epiphany, I too used to enjoy drinking at social gatherings and holiday outings. Due to some serious life-changing events and thought-provoking situations, I came to understand that for many people, alcohol is not something that will ever bring great tidings of comfort and joy, at any time of year.

I am not trying to be a downer during this time of great rejoicing and holiday festivities. I am only seeking to offer an alternative lifestyle choice that could change people’s lives and the lives of their loved ones forever. Many who read this may realize that they could give themselves, and the people in their lives, the greatest gift of all- a life of thoughtful sobriety and a healthier way of living.

I urge everyone to look introspectively and really assess what part alcohol is playing in their lives and how it is affecting their home life, relationships, professional careers, and health- both physical and mental.  

The truth is, you don’t have to drink alcohol to be the life of the party, and more importantly, you don’t have to drink alcohol to function in your everyday life. If you find that you have lost the ability to make that choice, and you are drinking to self-medicate or get through life, I humbly and compassionately urge you to please get help. There are so many resources and organizations to choose from. It may not be easy, but I promise that the pay-off will be worth it. Take it one day at a time, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and make 2012 a new start and beginning.

So without judgment or self-righteousness, I implore everyone to take some time to consider an option you may not have realized, or may have been too afraid to face. A life of sobriety is something to consider. I wish you peace and joy during the season of renewal and hope.

A related article to consider- http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2011/11/20-things-you-notice-when-youre-not-drinking