Assumption advice: Think before you speak, and err on the side of civility

What can I say about assumptions that aren’t already obvious to most thoughtful people?  Oh, wait. I am assuming that most people are thoughtful. There I go, making an assumption. It’s easy to see how a person could get into the habit of making gross assumptions. We all do it! Some of us more egregiously, and rudely, than others. 

Top 10 MAJOR assumption faux pas:

1. Don’t assume a married woman has taken her husband’s last name. (Ahem!)
2. Don’t assume someone is (Fill in the blank religion). Right, Wolf Blitzer?
3. Don’t assume someone is (Fill in the blank ethnicity) because of how they look. (Ahem, again!)
4. Don’t assume someone’s (Fill in the blank political party) because of some of the issues they support.
5. Don’t assume everyone you meet has children, or even wants them.
6. Don’t assume all families are the same as yours.
7. Don’t assume a person is financially successful/unsuccessful because of the car they drive or the house they live in.
8. Don’t assume every married couple is happily married.
9. Don’t assume people are as happy as they seem.
10. Don’t assume someone is as healthy as they appear.

This list is the tip of the iceberg of assumptions. Listing every example is beyond the point I am trying to make.

When you get down to it, assumptions often come from ignorance, lack of experience, laziness, and arrogance. Again, we all are guilty of these things, but assumptions can become knee-jerk reactions and responses which severely limit proper analysis of situations to the extent that the person doing the assuming becomes narrow-minded and intolerant.

 It doesn’t matter what race, religion, or political persuasion you lean towards. Assumptions are universal and the people making them come from all walks of life and every corner of the Earth.

Many people like assumptions because they don’t challenge them to consider other points of view or opinions. That’s where arrogance comes into play, and the defenses come up. 

For instance, in the first major assumption I listed about people assuming that a wife has the same last name as her husband, the person making the assumption will defend their error by saying, “Well, of course I assumed her last name was Smith because her husband’s name is John Smith and they seem like a traditional family.”

Aha! They SEEM like a “traditional” family. So, because they seem like something, the assumption is that’s what they must be! Eureka. Not so fast. There are many reasons why a woman might choose to keep her own last name after marriage. Frankly, it’s no one’s business, and she should have to defend it. 

A recent, glaring, example of a serious assumption blunder was when Wolf Blitzer- an educated and seasoned reporter- made a seriously erroneous assumption when speaking to a woman in Oklahoma after the devastating tornado hit her town.

‘He asked if she thanked the Lord for guiding a split-second decision that saved her life during the disaster. Rebecca paused. Smiled. Then admitted: "I'm actually an atheist." ‘

Ouch! That had to hurt. Many detractors were horrified that Wolf would be criticized because he was well-meaning, but in reality he was being thoughtless and inconsiderate. He could have broached the topic in a completely neutral way which would not have assumed that the woman was a spiritual believer. He obviously wasn’t trying to be malicious, and he ended up looking foolish. I will bet good money he never makes THAT mistake again. 

Sometimes it is important to take a step back from the situation and use some extra time to THINK before speaking. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and err on the side of courtesy.

Taking a moment to ponder and assess a situation is so much wiser, kinder, and polite than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Thinking before acting on preconceived notions or perceptions is not only civilized, it helps you from looking like an idiot. Trust me, I have made enough assumptions in my life to write a book. I am far from perfect in this department. 

If you come away from this blog post with anything, let it be this- We ALL make assumptions. Try to minimize them. You may have to get off your high horse and open your mind a bit, but in the end, it may help you save some relationships and your credibility. 

Guns and Booze- Our American right and personal responsibility

I had an epiphany of sorts the other day as I was reading some online articles and accounts of how much misery is caused by the abuse and misuse of alcohol, not just in this country, but world-wide. Addiction and substance abuse is the most equal-opportunity scourge imaginable, except of course for another terrible scourge that is just as prevalent in almost every known society- violence. So bear with me and keep your mind open as I give my thoughts on some very controversial, but important issues we face as a nation.

I promise you, whether anyone chooses to acknowledge or accept it- the fact of the matter is that alcohol has caused as many, if not more, injury and death to civilians than guns have.

Alcohol use, or overuse, has become the untouchable topic. Why? Because the vast majority of people in the country support its legality and personally use it. That fact doesn't change some alarming and disturbing facts and statistics. 

Consider the number of deaths or injury caused by alcohol-related:

Sicknesses

Suicides

Violence

Driving under the influence of alcohol

Domestic violence against adults and children

Destruction of property

Choices that ruin lives related to marriages, family relationships, financial ruin, incarceration, loss of employment

They tried banning alcohol from 1919-1933. We all know how “well” that experiment in trying to legislate a basic “right” and freedom of choice turned out. Not so much. I am not a constitutional or political science expert, so I will let Wikipedia give a simple and succinct explanation of the 18^th Amendment.

The Eighteenth Amendment to the Constitution had ushered in a period of time known as "Prohibition", during which the manufacture, distribution, and sale of alcoholic beverages was illegal. Passage of the Eighteenth Amendment in 1919 was the crowning achievement of the temperance movement, but it soon proved highly unpopular. Crime rates soared under Prohibition as gangsters, such as Chicago's Al Capone, became rich from a profitable, often violent, black market for alcohol.

The federal government was incapable of stemming the tide: enforcement of the Volstead Act proved to be a nearly impossible task and corruption was rife among law enforcement agencies. - Wikipedia

It makes one wonder if it is worth it! After all is said and done, what BENEFIT does alcohol bring to society? For most people, it is used as a means to relax, a social “lubricant” and a means to let loose. Many people are able to manage their alcohol use and won’t experience any of the negative or harmful aspects of it. 

The recent acts of killing and mass murder of innocent people with gun violence have presented us with some hard questions and no easy answers. The major problems in this debate surround the notion of giving up clearly established rights, guaranteed, once again, by the Constitution. Obviously, there is far more to it than many people realize. 

The Second Amendment (Amendment II) to the United States Constitution is the part of the United States Bill of Rights that protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms. It was adopted on December 15, 1791, along with the rest of the Bill of Rights. The Supreme Court of the United States first ruled in 2008 that the Second Amendment protects an individual right to possess and carry firearms.

In 2008 and 2010, the Supreme Court issued two landmark decisions officially establishing this interpretation. In District of Columbia v. Heller, 554 U.S. 570 (2008), the Court ruled that the Second Amendment protects an individual's right to possess a firearm, unconnected to service in a militia and to use that arm for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home within many longstanding prohibitions and restrictions on firearms possession listed by the Court as being consistent with the Second Amendment.

 In McDonald v. Chicago, 561 U.S. 3025 (2010), the Court ruled that the Second Amendment limits state and local governments to the same extent that it limits the federal government.

- Wikipedia

The idea of stripping the rights of law abiding, mentally stable, citizens is severe and arguably, unconstitutional; as the 18^th Amendment was found to be in 1933 by the Twenty-first Amendment. The problem is when government seeks to prohibit the rights of those who have not broken the law, whether it is refusing EVERYONE the right to drink, or to own a gun. Why should someone who is a responsible citizen be deprived of their rights, whether it is to drink alcohol or own a gun, just because there are individuals among us who abuse the law? Why should a responsible citizen be penalized for what could or might happen?  

As far as rights and personal responsibility, we have decided that people have the right to buy and consume alcoholic beverages, with restrictions surrounding age and regulations related to performing certain activities while under the influence. 

We need to delve into the reasons WHY we need regulation and restrictions. Personal responsibility for one’s actions is everyone’s concern. There are expectations of how to act and behave within the norms and rules of society. Those do change, as we have seen many, many, times through our nation’s history. Societal norms do change and with them our laws have been adjusted and amended. Some will agree with those changes, others will not. But before any rights are removed or greatly modified, it is critical to be sure that we are not depriving the law-abiding and responsible citizens due to the acts and actions of those who are outside the bounds of the law.

Criminals will always do whatever they need to in order to commit crimes. Think about how many people now get DWIs a year and then think about how much less that would be if alcohol were illegal. Believe me, there still would be DWIs, but if alcohol was an illegal substance, and not as close as the local store, of course there would be would be less deaths from drunk drivers.

Using legal “things” in illegal ways or abusing the rights of others is the cause of most of the misery in the world. It is frustrating because human beings behave irrationally and selfishly and don’t always have respect for the rights, property, or personal worth of others. There is no way in the world to legislate attitudes, only actions. 

So we have to honestly decide what is the value and purpose of our laws? Are they to protect our freedoms while keeping order, or save lives and keep innocent people safe? All of the above, right? Not so easy, though. There are times when protecting freedom puts people at risk, because personal responsibility and choices are part of our freedom. At its basest point comes the realization that in a free society, people have the freedom to choose to do the wrong thing. They will have to be punished for their crime, but in the meantime, innocent people may have been killed or harmed. This happens EVERY SINGLE DAY on some level, be it as banal as someone cutting you off in traffic, or as sinister as being sexually assaulted by a co-worker.

Freedoms cause risk. You have the freedom to drive, work outside the home, and drink alcohol. Those rights are part of what makes our society what it is. Sadly, there are people within our society who chose not to adhere to those rules and laws, and they mess it up for the rest of us who are trying to live our lives in pursuit of our own happiness and fulfillment. You can’t change people or make them “act right” by taking away the rights of everyone. Criminals will still commit crimes, or do the wrong thing. 

Taking away rights rarely works out well. The black market or underground economy will never go away. Criminals always find work-arounds, as they did during prohibition, as they do today with illegal buying and selling of firearms. Personally, I wish for a world that had no violence, alcohol abuse and misuse, or a number of other evils. That isn't realistic or probable.

The misuse of guns, as well as booze, causes more misery and tragedy than most other things I can think of. I think most level-headed people acknowledge that there must be regulation and oversight by government for gun, as well as alcohol. Those specific details and nuances are for the American people, through their elected officials, to decide. That is how our country works and while there are always going to be those groups and individuals who are unhappy with the outcomes and decision; it is how our democracy works, and there are no easy solutions or answers. 

The sisterhood myth: The dirty little gender secret women don’t like to face

I’m about to betray my gender. That’s how many women will perceive this post. Betrayal. But it’s time to shed some light AND TRUTH in hopes that airing the dirty laundry will bring a healthy look at an important topic. (Please read the hyperlinks I have attached if you think I am alone in this view.)

I need to point out something from the start. This post is not pointed toward ALL women. My comments and remarks are not an indictment of every woman.  But I am seeking to dispel the glorified myth that women ALWAYS take care of or care about other women. The hard, cold, fact is that MOST women care very little for other women and don’t hesitate to step over another woman to get ahead- whether it is for a job or a man.

One of the lies many women tell themselves, and portray to the world, has to do with the concept of a sisterhood among women. It is an absolute deception and illusion. It honestly doesn’t exist.  Another lie is that we have each other’s backs.  Again, a fantasy.  In most cases, the only thing a woman has regarding another woman’s back is the knife she is about to insert in it. Sound extreme? Trust me, it isn’t.

In recent news, there have been examples of young, attractive, females poaching older and powerful men. Anyone who thinks this is not a common, everyday, occurrence needs to get out of fantasyland.   You might be surprised to know about those dating sites which strictly cater to married people. The statistics bear out that women are about even with men in the infidelity department, so there is certainly equal opportunity for cheaters.

For every heartwarming story of women doing for other women, and don’t get me wrong- they DO EXIST and should be noted and congratulated for their good works; there are also terrible, sickening, stories of women BULLYING, abusing and harassing other WOMEN! Read this blog post written by a prominent person who only goes by her first name.  (You may be able to figure it out, but if not, I will tell you if you ask.)

Like most stereotypes and myths, there are instances of truth and some women are very concerned about other women, but in my experience, the bad far outweighs the good.  I feel it is time to clear the air and dispel the myth because women are hurt by it. They have an expectation that women “out there” are looking out for them and they need a reality check.

Ladies- please stop pretending that you actually give a damn about ALL WOMEN. It’s okay to say that you dislike many of the women you encounter and that you feel no sense of allegiance or loyalty to them! It’s better to admit the truth and get it out in the open than to continue to dupe people, especially other women, into thinking that you give a damn about them.

If this fantasy sisterhood actually existed, how would we explain the following?

1. Women who actively and aggressively pursue and attempt to “steal” the affections of other women’s boyfriends or husbands.

2. The women who engage in epic gossiping, sniping, criticism, and character assassination of other women.

3. The petty, childish, snide, rude, comments women make about one another. GROWN WOMEN who should have better things to do with their time.

4. The workplace drama, trauma, and toxic abuse women heap upon one another out of insecurity, jealousy, and general fear that another woman will outshine them or make them feel inferior.

5. The competitive bitchiness related to other women’s life choices, child rearing, husbands, clothes, cars, homes, appearance, body shape, and many other things.

6. Women who, seeking to be more like men, use any opportunity to be ruthless, intimidating, cruel, and thoughtless, but usually target other women because they are easy prey.

7. The distorted and harsh perception that any woman who doesn’t agree with them 100% is either a pawn of the men in her life, or a simple and ignorant pawn of _______fill in the blank____.

8. Women who blame every bad thing in the world on men and resent any woman who doesn’t agree with as a traitor to her sex.

9. Female family members who abuse or ignore their brothers’ wives, their daughter-in-laws, their sister-in-laws, etc ., for whatever dysfunctional reasons.  Ganging up on another woman is never cool.

10. Last but not least, women use other women to build them up and make them feel good about themselves, and all the while, they refuse to do anything to help another woman succeed.

Many women like to pretend that somehow our gender is kinder, gentler, and more compassionate. Perhaps this was once true, but now it is a half-truth. I will put it this way- when we are good, we are very, very, good- when we are bad we are horrid.

 I always say that if you have a good female boss, you are truly blessed because they can be the best of the best. BUT, if you have a bad female boss, God help you.  I have experienced both sides of that coin in my career. I have been INCREDIBLY fortunate to have some excellent, professional, generous, fair, balanced, and brilliant female bosses, and they KNOW WHO THEY ARE!

I have also been cursed to have had to work for the unstable, unprofessional, ignorant, and toxic women.  THEY probably don’t know who they are, because they are deluded and unable to have insight into their pathological “leadership” style.

The “myth” of the ever-loving, kind, and generous sisterhood is so full of holes that it looks like a pack of rabid moths got into a wool factory.

And when you are the object of an abusive woman, disappointment doesn’t even begin to cover the feeling. It is a betrayal because we have been brought up to believe that our fellow females would somehow have our back. GET RID OF THAT LIE and you may be able to survive the experience.

The point of this discussion is NOT to bash women. It is a call to action, a wakeup call, a true and honest desire for change.

To believe that women can’t be sexist or biased towards other women is ignorant and a denial of reality.  We scream like holy hell when men are cruel, biased, or toxic towards women, but we often feel we must ignore or cover when women do it to us. We feel we must suffer silently and accept the toxic females’ rage, scapegoating and even racial bias because they are- women. It shouldn’t matter what gender an abuser is- ABUSE IS ABUSE!

A tyrannical boss, regardless of gender, is an outrage and intolerable liability risk to the organization which is employing people. For that reason, quotas are completely absurd if the whole point is to employ women in leadership position. The sick irony of the female boss abusing other females is more common than many people understand.

In summation- WOMEN, wake up! Don’t assume that female co-worker, or boss, or girl friend really gives a damn about you JUST BECAUSE you are both women. Women have the capacity for all the things we accuse men of, and are even better at some of them! Equality covers the good, the bad, and the ugly.

If you believe in the equality of the sexes it is fair to expect that women can be equally unkind as men towards other women. I hope this is the wake up call that will call women to act against the abusive and toxic women in their own lives.  STOP making excuses for them, and stop pretending it doesn’t exist.

To Vote or not to Vote, that is the question: The answer is VOTE!

On November 6, 2012, U.S. citizens will vote for the next president, as well as some state and local offices. Joining them, will be my father who will cast his first vote for a United States president. Talk about a big day in a 74 year old, Cuban-born, person’s life!  (It isn’t his first time voting, as he has enthusiastically voted in every local election since becoming a citizen in March of 2009.)

It’s exciting to think that someone would care enough to participate in the electoral process after a lifetime of not doing so. It is a great lesson for those who are too_ whatever_ not to vote, to know of someone who is inspired and concerned enough to want to actively participate in a process that often is viewed cynically and without any fanfare. If your RIGHT TO VOTE seems mundane or pointless, you may need to live in a country where people lack that ability and absorb the preciousness of that right.

It is hard to believe that some people will not exercise their right to participate in this important process. The reasons go from unacceptably lame to understandably unacceptable. And yes, I realize that two, or even three, candidates can’t possibly appeal to every person in the country; and as with marriage or most relationships, there is always SOMETHING about the person you just don’t like. But, that isn’t the point. The point is - VOTING is a civic duty and a responsibility that too many people take for granted.

Here’s a little explanation of voting in more academic terms:

In a democracy, a government is chosen by voting in an election: a way for an electorate to elect, i.e. choose, among several candidates for rule. In a representative democracy voting is the method by which the electorate appoints its representatives in its government.

A vote is a formal expression of an individual's choice in voting, for or against some motion (for example, a proposed resolution), for a certain candidate, a selection of candidates, or a political party. A secret ballot has come to be the practice to prevent voters from being intimidated and to protect their political privacy. Voting usually takes place at a polling station; it is voluntary in some countries, compulsory in others, such as Argentina, Australia, Belgium and Brazil.  – Wikipedia

WOW! That last line! In some countries, voting is compulsory? Imagine that! In my humble, or not so humble opinion, those countries have the right idea. In our great nation, we have SO MUCH FREEDOM; we even have the freedom to NOT exercise one of the most important rights we possess. Now that’s something.

I don’t presume to tell anyone how they should vote. That is just as bad as telling someone “who or what” they should pray to, or who they should marry, or how they should live their lives. It defeats the purpose of, wait for it…FREEDOM.  You see where I am going with this. It isn’t that I want to tell anyone how they should vote, because that isn’t for me to say. I respect, even if I disagree with, another person’s choices. I may not understand it, like it, or even think it is a good idea, but it isn’t my job, my place, or my decision to decide for them.

To be 100% honest, I don’t like politics or most politicians. I have my own personal reasons and frankly, it isn’t party-based or even about many of the individuals. I find the whole business very divisive and polarizing. Politics has become MEAN-SPIRITED, cruel, dehumanizing, and theatrical. It makes my head hurt. And in a 24/7 news world, the spin and hype can become overwhelmingly depressing. Most of the coverage isn’t about real issues, it is aboutpersonalities and an endless stream of pundits and talking heads and controversial “radio personalities” who just want higher ratings. It is exhausting. It makes many people really crazy. Seriously, crazy.

 I realize politics is big business. I understand the whole campaign industry and view much of it with cynicism and loathing, BUT I take democracy very seriously, and since the political process, as flawed as it may be, it the vehicle that produces our democracy and precious freedoms (hopefully), I accept and embrace it. Our process isn’t perfect, but it certainly beats many of the alternatives.

This coming Tuesday, my family will be celebrating OUR RIGHT to vote, even more than who wins the election. My father’s exercise of his civic duty, and his belief in the democratic process under the Constitution, is far more important to me than which candidate is chosen by the majority of the American people. I know that may seem hard to believe, but it is true. Presidents come and presidents go. There are always going to be disappointed people after Election Day. That’s how it goes. But the day after the election, we are all still Americans, and democracy will still be alive and well.

 

 

So get out there and exercise your right to vote. Many people around the world have, or would have, died to have it.

 

 

The night Che Guevara kept me from sleeping: Sometimes a T-shirt is more than just a T-shirt

I am tired. I worked hard today and I wanted to go to bed early and get a good night's sleep, but now Che Guevara won’t let me. The last thing I want to do right now is write a blog post, but sometimes  “the muse” isn’t a beautiful young woman or man who inspires your creativity, it is a damned T-shirt sold at an overpriced and over-rated clothing chain, which targets empty-headed 20 somethings.

 

Here’s what the “all-knowing one”, Wikipedia has to say about it-

‘Urban Outfitters has been described as selling hip, kitschy, and ironic merchandise, for example, T-shirts emblazoned with the words "Jive Turkey" or "Atari". They are known for catering to "hipster" culture and fashion, which incorporates an influence from past decades.

According to their website, Urban Outfitters' "established ability to understand our customers and connect with them on an emotional level is the reason for our success."

 The site says that "the reason for this success is that our brands... are both compelling and distinct. Each brand chooses a particular customer segment, and once chosen, sets out to create sustainable points of distinction with that segment" and that "the emphasis is on creativity. Our goal is to offer a product assortment and an environment so compelling and distinctive that the customer feels an empathetic connection to the brand and is persuaded to buy." ‘

And it goes on to have an entire section titled: “Urban Outfitters' products have been the subject of multiple controversies, particularly concerning religious and ethnic issues.” – See the page for more examples of their “clever and hip” clothing items. Excuse me if I don’t find the humor or creativity in hate.

Well, “kitschy and ironic” is no excuse for outright offensive and obnoxious. And if their goal is to offer something “compelling and distinctive”, they have failed epically this time with their new Che Guevara T-shirt.

This isn’t their first controversy, and I loathe giving them attention, as it seems that is part of their marketing “edgy-ness” and makes them feel like they are making some profound political statements or SHOVING free speech down people’s throats. Whatever. It is manipulative and ugly. It isn’t cute and the REAL irony is that people with too much expendable income are spending WAAAAAAAAY too much money on an icon of the Communist “revolution”.

 

 

 

I am not going to go on a political rant about Communism or how it has destroyed the lives of millions and millions of people. I think that has borne out and most of us who live in a free society understand that it is a system which denies people rights and destroys every conceivable remnant of freedom. I have very personal insights into Che Guevara, as my father is a Cuban émigré and that chapter of Cuba’s sad history is part and parcel of my life history. (For another time, when I am not about to drop from exhaustion).

Needless to say, I was heartened to see that a piece was run in the Huffington Post (so much for the liberal media) which was an actual letter, which was written by Thor Halvorssen-  Founder, Human Rights Foundation. In his letter, Mr. Halvorssen states:

“We urge you to consider that the image of Guevara represents tyranny and repression for the millions of people who have suffered under communism. Fifty-three years after Guevara's rise to power, Cuba is still ruled by the Communist party, while all alternative political parties and dissenting civil society groups are outlawed. Any expression of dissent is considered a subversive act, a free press does not exist, and the government regularly imprisons those who speak out. Mr. Marlow, the Cuban government of today, a legacy of Guevara, is the most repressive regime in the Western hemisphere.” 

He goes on to say- “For the sake of the 1.47 billion people still living under the yoke of communist rule, for the sake of the thousands who perished in the Cuban revolution, and for the sake of the 11 million Cubans who still endure a totalitarian system, we hope Urban Outfitters will reconsider its marketing strategy and set a moral example for the apparel industry.”

BOOYAH! 

Bravo, and THANK YOU, for saying it so eloquently and well. NOW I can go to sleep!

 

Even though they butchered his name, how appropriate, this is damned funny!