My Funny Valentine? What's so funny about Valentine's Day?

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I know it is a day loaded with expectations- many unmet, excitement, anticipation, and even DREAD! Valentine's Day is that one day a year when people in love are celebrated with cards, gifts, poems, decorations, candy and songs. 

But let’s start from the beginning. What is this holiday that brings such strong reactions to so many? 

To make a long story short:  

"The 14th of February became a day for all lovers and Valentine became its patron saint. It began to be annually observed by young Romans who offered handwritten greetings of affection, known as Valentines, on this day to the women they admired. With the coming of Christianity, the day came to be known as St. Valentine's Day." - The Holiday Spot

So let’s examine Valentine’s Day and see where it went wrong.

Early Childhood:

Remember when you were a kid, and your class made those red construction paper valentine hearts with the white lace doily edge? That was really FUN! And don’t forget the candy and heart-shaped confections. Valentine’s Day was a great holiday to break up the nasty weather of February. Then things started to get complicated.

The Teen Years:

Once you hit puberty, Valentine’s Day became a bit more drama-rific. There were Valentine’s Day dances, cards, heart-shaped necklaces, boxes of chocolates, secret admirers, flowers and candy grams from pimple-faced young suitors. It was exciting and a little scary. Valentine’s Day was still fun.

The Grown Up Years:

Now is where the “Funny” completely leaves Valentine’s Day and it is a serious business indeed. The song, “My FunnyValentine”, by Rodgers and Hart, is anything but funny. It is actually a melancholy tune, and I can’t detect anything humorous about it. It reminds me of the “darker” side of Valentine’s Day- the broken hearts, the lost loves, the dashed dreams, and rejection. Hardly the right anthem for a day dedicated to lovers. 

For years I dreaded Valentine’s Day. Secretly, I hated it. February 14^th taunted me and seemed to be that one day a year where I hated being single. 364 days a year, I was fine with it and actually enjoyed my independence and freedom, but on that day I felt very lonely.

There are such conflicting messages about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, there is the group (mainly singles) who will preach about how artificial, meaningless, banal, and forced Valentine’s Day is, and will give eloquent speeches about the marvels of the empowering and independent single life. They hate on it mightily, and try to bring it down. Hey, I was one of those people once, and there is no reason to pretend that attitude doesn’t exist. 

On the other hand, there are those (mainly couples in love) who want to revel in the ooey, gooey, lovey dovey side of the day. This group unwittingly drives the stake into the hearts of the first group and may make them feel even worse about the day, because as we all know- misery loves company. If you don’t have a special someone in your life to share the day with, it is hard to be happy and excited for people who do. That’s just human nature.

Now the third group are those people who fall somewhere in between. They are either couples who just don’t “feel” the need to celebrate their love or relationship in the middle of February. Also, there are single people who have lots of fun celebrating the IDEA of LOVE without having to be in a relationship with one special person. Hey, whatever works! 

Personally, after spending many, many Valentine’s Days alone, some of them happier than others; I am ecstatic to have my husband to share it with. He’s not as enraptured with it as I am, but bears the strain as a testament to his love for me.

Valentine’s Day is like many holidays, you feel some of them more than others. Some people LOVE Halloween, others- not so much. The most important thing to remember is not to get completely wrapped up in something that only happens one day a year. 

So my advice to single people, please don’t hate on Valentine’s Day! No reason to have angst and misery on February 14^th, and begrudge those who enjoy the day feel it isn’t a nice holiday. Single people can enjoy Valentine’s Day, or they can just ignore it.

My advice for couples- once a year you have a day designated especially for people in love, so why waste a great chance to make your special someone feel loved and appreciated by making Valentine’s Day really nice. Oh, and that doesn’t mean the rest of the year you don’t have to do nice things for your sweetheart. 

So for all who love- HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! Enjoy it with someone special, even if that person is you!

Times long past: New Year’s Eve and the value of reflection

“Auld Lang Syne” is the song everyone recognizes, but doesn’t quite understand. The words aren’t really as important as the title, which translates from Scottish as “Old days long ago”, or “times long past”- depending on your source.  

And the words of the song we sing here in the U.S.:

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup
and surely I’ll buy mine!
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

There is also a song by Dan Fogelberg called “Same Old Lang Syne” which is quite stirring. Dan’s song talks about lost love and reflection on things that might have been, and never will be. That is very apropos because more than any other night of the year, New Year’s Eve is a great time to reflect on the past, and then to put it aside at the stroke of midnight.

New Year’s Eve brings up powerful emotions and memories for me, some very sad and some very happy.

Consider New Year’s Eve 1979, when I was pregnant with my first son, and was about to give birth. He was born a few days later on 3 January 1980.

Or New Year’s Eve 1985, my beloved grandmother passed away from cancer.

And coming full circle, I got engaged to my husband, David, on New Year’s Eve 2010.

For the most part, my New Year’s Eves have been pretty uneventful. I am not a night owl and I can’t even remember how many times I was in bed and asleep before midnight.

As a child, my parents (two die-hard night owls) would have great festivities for my sister and me, and any other guests they might have invited. My mother always prepared a beautiful meal, usually a standing rib roast with all the trimmings, and we would stay up until midnight. At the stroke of midnight, we had some interesting rituals.

As I have mentioned before, my father is from Cuba, and it seems that in Cuba, at the stroke of midnight, one throws a bucket of water out the front door to bring in the new year. Also, we all had to eat twelve grapes, one for each month of the New Year. That sounds great except they almost always had seeds in them.

I have always loved New Year’s Eve because it signals endings, quickly followed by beginnings. It is an opportunity to reflect on things that happened and to gather the lessons learned to begin anew.

Reflection is critical to growth. The past year may have been filled with mistakes, disappointments, upsets, and hurts. There may also have been triumphs, joy, good fortune, and improvements. Probably there was a combination of both. The value of reflection is in gathering the knowledge and insights that were gained from the experiences of the past 12 months and to apply them to the next 12.

Tonight, I will be savoring the lessons, experiences, adventures, and memories of 2012. I will reflect upon what happened and extract the goodness. I will also reflect on all that I am grateful for and the many, many, blessings in my life.

 I will think of all my loved ones who are no longer here, and I will then think of and say a prayer for my beloved family and friends. But I am ever mindful of tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day and a brand new year. Let’s hope, for all of our sakes, it is a VERY GOOD new year.

I wish each and every one of you all the best in 2013. May your year be filled with wonder, good health, joy, and wisdom.

It is the little things that mean the most: Finding joy and gratitude in the simplest acts

Clichés are often eschewed for their overuse or stereotypes. I think we can actually gain a great deal of insight and wisdom from certain clichés. One of the most profound is, “Little things mean a lot.” Rather than view the platitudes that some clichés invoke, I look for the universal truth and commonality that lies within.

This leads me to the point of this posting, which is to celebrate and honor the little, simple, things that can bring so much joy and pleasure to our lives. That is, if we are conscious enough to notice and appreciate them.

 Here is a list of simple acts which bring me great happiness and joy:

  1. Every morning my husband makes me a cup of tea. While this may seem a mundane little ritual, to me it is always romantic, thoughtful and incredibly kind.

2. Getting a text message or a phone call from one of my children. They are grown up and have lives of their own now, and I don’t expect them to call every day. It is really a lovely, simple, treat to hear from them and know they are thinking about me.

  3. Talking to my granddaughter. Anyone who has a grandchild will understand this one. Being a grandparent isn’t the same as being a parent. You really DO get all the wonderful parts of being a parent with none of the bad things. Spending time with my granddaughter reminds me of how wonderful it is to be loved by a small child, and it brings back the sweetness of mothering my own children. Just hearing her say, “Oma”, is one of the simplest delights of my life.

4. Having someone do something for me, unsolicited, that makes my day lighter or easier. Whether it is my husband making a special dinner, or my daughter cleaning the house, or the time my oldest son stopped by the house and delivered a meal; simple acts of kindness are amazing and wondrous.  

5. Receiving a card or a letter from someone. I know this is a dying concept, but I still absolutely adore receiving a card or a note from a friend or family member. I would rather receive a heartfelt card, with personal sentiments written on it, than a gift.

6. Giving or receiving a sincere and warm hug. Some people enjoy hugs more than others, but if you like hugs, you know how rich and wonderful it is to receive one from someone you care about. Physical closeness, whether to a beloved pet or family member, is bonding and calming. Holding my sweet poodle in my lap is one of the simplest joys in my life.

7. Enjoying a meal with a friend or loved one. It doesn’t have to be a posh or fancy place. Just sitting with someone you really care about and being able to spend that time with them is a simple, but joyful experience. I don’t get to see my sister as much as I would like, but when we are able to break away from the hectic lives we lead, and enjoy a meal together and talk, it is absolute heaven.

8. Having someone remember a special day or memory. A small, simple, act that brings me great joy is hearing one of my children or loved one share a specific memory with me. Recently, my younger son asked friends on his facebook to write a favorite memory on his wall, and he would share one of his. That was such a great idea. Remembering and sharing memories is a simple, effortless act of sharing.

9. Spending time with my parents. Now that they are getting older, and especially because my mother is struggling with the onset of Alzheimer’s, time with them has become very precious. A simple pleasure, because it doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing. Just being with them, whether it is for an hour or a day, is meaningful and a joy.

10. Receiving praise or respect from co-workers and boss. This simple act certainly doesn’t need explaining. I am very fortunate to be in a place in my career where I regularly receive praise and am shown respect for my knowledge and abilities. It has taken a long time to get to this place, and it brings me great happiness and contentment.

 11. Being able to look in the mirror and like what you see. A truly simple act, with enormous impact and potential. Yes, I look older and yes, there are many imperfections, but I like the person I am and am happy with my life as it is right now. A simple, but profound, state of gratitude, acceptance, and serenity.

If we can’t find joy in the simplest things, there will be no rest or peace or happiness in the grandest ones. For all the wealth and trappings of glamour, fame, or worldly adoration, if a person is unable to find joy in everyday acts of kindness and simple pleasures- happiness and contentment will elude them.

It is all too easy to become lost in the acquisition of material goods and objects. Who wouldn’t enjoy having a new car, or taking an expensive vacation? Obviously those things are the “easy” way to experience a sense of pleasure or contentment. But without having a basic foundation of gratitude and an understanding of the value of simple joys, things that can be bought will only become a substitution and a distraction for the beauty of the little things. Nature does indeed abhor a vacuum.
 
ENJOY the simple acts of kindness and find ways to express them to those you love. Life is too short to lose sight of the richness that simple pleasures can bring.

Cultivating a grateful spirit and attitude is a worthy pursuit

"A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues."  - Cicero

Thanksgiving should be much more than a day when families gather together to eat and watch football. Thanksgiving is an important opportunity and a chance for all Americans to take an inventory of the things each family should be thankful for, as individuals and as a nation.

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many-not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."  - Charles Dickens

Here is a list of twenty important things families can contemplate and be thankful for on Thanksgiving:

1. Good health- Being in possession of good health should never be taken for granted. Good health is a blessing at any age.

2. Family members- Each family member should be appreciated for their own special gifts and unique place within the family.

3. A Home- Having a home is a basic need in every person’s life. Be it ever so humble, there truly is no place like home- whether it is a one room shack or an opulent mansion. Especially in this economy, where so many people have lost their homes, it is important to realize how much of a blessing a home is, and how easy it can be to lose one.

4. Freedom- Being born into a democracy where people have free speech, human rights and the right to vote is truly something to be thankful for every day. Living in a free country is a gift that people have given their lives for. Gratitude for freedom is something to teach young children, who don’t know any other kind of life than a free society.

5. Our Military and their families- It is very important to remember the men and women who defend our freedoms and our way of life. They are all over the world, often away from their loved ones. Their families sacrifice for our freedoms too.

6. A job- Considering the current state of the economy and unemployment all over the nation, a job is truly something to be thankful for. When a person loves their job, it is even more of a blessing.

7. A happy marriage/relationship- So many people take their spouse or significant other for granted. Thanksgiving is a time to think of how precious the gift of a loving partner can be.

8. Good friends- Truly good, loyal, and constant friends are one of the greatest treasures in life. Acquaintances, co-workers, or casual friendships are not the same as a true-blue friend. Their value is immense.

9. Enough food to eat- Thanksgiving is a holiday which for many, is filled with good food and bountiful meals. It is an important time of year to remember those who are less fortunate and to show thanks by sharing with those who have none.

10. Religious/Spiritual faith- For many people, faith is a gift which sustains and nurtures them in a way that nothing else can. If a person has faith, it is a blessing which should be acknowledged on Thanksgiving.

11. A Car- Having the ability to get from here to there is something many people take for granted. For those who do not have one, it can make life very complicated.

12. Clean Water- Anyone who has lived in most of the United States all of their lives probably can’t imagine not having clean, drinkable, water. Sadly, in a great number of people in the world do not have it. It is truly a blessing on many levels.

13. Free education for all citizens- An education is critical to attain many of the other blessings and opportunities available in our country. Many places in the world do not provide a solid, free, education to everyone.

14. Good roads and a well-functioning infrastructure- Most Americans would be shocked to know how terrible the roads and infrastructures are in other nations. We are truly blessed to live in a nation that has running water, reliable electricity and sewage systems which are cared for and maintained.

15. Tolerance- By and large, Americans are tolerant and accepting. It is the cornerstone of our democracy. Thanksgiving is a good time to contemplate and be thankful for the accepting and welcoming spirit of tolerance of others- regardless of: gender, race, culture, religion, sexual orientation or any other differences.

16. Honesty and integrity- Living in a country where most institutions and government are honest and fair is a true blessing. There are many places in the world where people are routinely cheated and abused. They have few protections from corruption and have no one to advocate for them.

17. Value of the individual- There are places in the world where the individual has no value, rights or standing. To live in a nation where we have rights as an individual, as well as part of the collective, is something to truly be thankful for.

18. Appreciation for literature, art and culture- Our society has a great love of all types of artistic, creative and beautiful expressions. Americans are blessed to have access to such enriching activities.

19. Peace of mind- A true blessing. If a person is able to find peace of mind in their life, they have discovered one of the greatest things life has to offer.

20. Abundance- Having an abundance of food, clothing, and other worldly goods is something to be very thankful for. There are many who want for the most basic needs and if a person is fortunate to have abundance, it is a duty to share with those who do not.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."  -  John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy."  - Jacques Maritain

In addition to these twenty- each family should strive to make their own list each year for the things which they feel most grateful.

(This post was taken from an article I wrote a few years ago-  http://www.examiner.com/adult-children-in-washington-dc/twenty-things-to-be-thankful-for-at-thanksgiving )

The power of positive thoughts and deeds can change your life

One should never underestimate the miracles that can occur if and when you change your attitude or actions in a positive direction. While positive changes must begin within ourselves, they also reach out and affect that which surrounds us as well.

When I talk about the power of positive thoughts and deeds, I am not attempting to sell some “pie-in-the-sky” platitudes or cute little catch phrases. I am talking about the very hard work it can take to adjust our ways of thinking and acting, and a dedication to improving life and making a real difference.

As positive change begins with the ways in which we think, feel, interact, speak and treat ourselves and others, we become more productive, positive and successful in all areas of life. Our personal life, our professional life and everyone we touch in those spheres will feel the shift in our attitude, demeanor and actions. EVERYONE WINS. We become better friends, spouses, parents, siblings, co-workers and citizens. We become more mature and more aware of others and ourselves, and this attitude can bring positive change in return.

"The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude." - William James

When a change toward a more positive life occurs, we are able to work through frustrating and painful situations and difficulties with less of the weight that negativity and other toxic feelings, attitudes and emotions have to bring us down. Embracing positivity helps us to avoid situations and individuals that bring us down as they continue to wade in the cesspool of jealousy, laziness, regret, anger, bitterness or ignorance.

Most people never realize how fortunate they are to have the chance to choose to live life in a different way than they did yesterday.

Sometimes it is hard to see beyond one’s own immediate circumstances and pain, but this can’t be an excuse to give up or indulge harmful, hurtful, or destructive ways of thinking and acting. It helps no one and hurts everyone. The pervasive negativity bleeds over into ever corner of society and the world. It starts in the home where those who should be loving one another the most, lash out and hurt family members. This creates a cycle of pain and can affect generations of people. If only they could love and appreciate and see the positive aspects of their own lives more completely, the change could take place towards a happier, healthier family life.

It is possible to change negative and harmful thoughts and actions. It begins with a decision and a commitment. Even those individuals who are bound by the unimaginably difficult circumstances, either physically, mentally or geographically challenged; the immense power of positive thought can make all the difference in life. Imagine the hardships that many individuals endure daily with pain, loss, fear, dread or terrible suffering. Although they may not be able to change the actual circumstances or situation, what is possible is to change their outlook and attitude.

Think of how much better the world would be if every individual were to try to double their positive thoughts and actions. Think of what a difference it would make in the lives of those who are most vulnerable- children, people with disabilities, the elderly, the poor.

If tomorrow there were less self-absorbed thoughts and actions, less negativity and pettiness, less bitter or spiteful thoughts and actions and more positive and giving attitudes, situations would change for the better and people would lead much happier, healthier and productive lives.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, a new chance to live life in a more positive way. It begins with me and it begins with you.  

Serenity- a simple word for a powerful force

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.” – Unknown

Each day, I pray for the gift of serenity in my life. As the quote above notes, serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid it. Every day brings some sort of storm. It may be a tiny rain shower, brief and mild, or it may become a massive and destructive hurricane. Regardless of the size of the storm, if we carry serenity with us, we can weather it and survive.

Serenity- noun- səˈrenitē/

1. The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled: "an oasis of serenity".

2. A title given to a reigning prince or similar dignitary. 

When serenity elludes you, find a way to reach inside for the courage and hope to believe that you can attain that force and accept its calming gift. Serenity is the cool water that quenches the burning, thirsting soul. It gives rest to the uneasy and soothes the restless spirit. Serenity is grace.

Perhaps you may find this prayer helpful to find that calm and serene place within.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him. Forever in the next.
                                                                                                       - Reinhold Niebuhr

I wish everyone a serene and peaceful day.

Live and learn

I got married a few weeks ago. I had been married before, but I refuse to call it RE-marriage. Re-marriage implies that I, again, married the person I married 31 years ago. This is not the case. There is no "re" anything. This is a fresh start, a new life, and a bright beginning. Although my "new" husband and I have been a couple for the last 6 years, I consider it a beginning. It is a beginning for us and a beginning of a new chapter in both of our lives- as a married couple.

I have surprised myself with how new it feels, in spite of the feelings of familiarity and comfort. This new chapter has been a great lesson for me in the miracle of renewal, and a testament to the power of love, forgiveness, and understanding.

This time of year is very sentimental. Graduations, weddings, retirements, vacations, and family reunions happen more often. All of these milestone events remind of us of the power of the bonds of love, our connections to family, friends and loved ones. As time passes, we reflect on these bonding occasions and how meaningful and strong the memories can be, even years after the event. These are truly precious opportunities to reflect and connect.

These occasions bind us to our family and friends and as we get older, these bonds and relationships take on even more meaning and value because we realize that life truly is short. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for any of us. Watching our loved ones marry or graduate or retire is our way of sharing those emotionally charge moments-together- and forging memories in our shared history. They are much more than  familial obligations. They are part and parcel of what makes up "FAMILY" and the loving friendships in our lives.

Over the past few years, my core beliefs on many things have been shaken to the core. I have gained valuable insights about myself, my views, and previously flawed ideas. It has been humbling and, at times, a bit depressing to think of the time I have wasted on erroneous notions and false beliefs. Well, live and learn, as they say. And I have done both. I am eternally thankful for the lessons and the insights I have gained. It has been a painful and difficult journey- a journey which continues. I am a work in progress, but I am no longer ashamed of that fact. A very wise woman told me, as I despaired at not having "figured it all out yet", that in her experience, once you do finally figure it all out, you die.

I am grateful to all the people who have been teachers and mentors in my life- both personally and professionally. There have been difficult and dark moments filled with pain, sorrow, loss and doubt. I suspect they know who they are and since I am not accepting an Academy Award, I won't name them. I will say that the places I have been and the people I have known have shaped my views and outlook, but the people I have loved, and who have loved me, are the greatest teachers I have ever known.

I have been blessed beyond measure with love and support in my life. I doubt I have always been deserving of it. But that's the funny thing about love- you don't always get what you deserve. Love isn't a reward for good behavior or intelligence. That's what makes it so miraculous and mysterious. That is what makes it so precious.

If I have learned one thing that is worth sharing, it is this- Don't waste time or assume that you will always have the ones you love with you. Every opportunity to share special moments, special occasions or just a regular day with the ones you love is a precious gift. Don't squander it or assume that you can do it "another time". The people who mean the most to us are the ones we often take for granted. Cherish every day and make the time you have together count. Savor and soak up every glorious day, and make those memories with the ones you love.