A reflection on loss - Life is loss

"He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness."  – Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

I think about loss a great deal. Some days, thoughts of loss consume me. And though thoughts of loss can be incredibly sad, they aren’t as depressing as they may seem. There are many degrees and levels of loss. I am one of those people who develops very strong attachments, so loss has been especially hard for me all of my life. Many people feel their losses much more deeply than others, but loss is a universal experience that every person on the planet has experienced. No one gets through life without loss.

When I think about loss, I grieve for lost loved ones and lost years. I think about beloved pets that have gone on. I mourn lost friendships, ruined relationships, former jobs and coworkers, and lost belongings. I wonder about people I haven’t seen for years and how they were once a part of my life… and now are not.

I also feel for friends and the losses they have experienced, the struggles they have endured, and the pain of dealing with disappointments and endings. My loved ones and I have shared many losses from death, divorce, change, and growth. In truth, nothing really stays the same for very long, and inevitably people and things get lost along the way.

"Who except the gods can live time through forever without any pain?"  - Aeschylus, Prometheus Bound

Sometimes I think of my younger self, when I was raising small children. The world seemed very small then and I had my whole life ahead of me. Since those days, there have been small losses and unbearable tragedies to bear. Losses we never expected nor could have imagined. And yet, we survived. A very wise therapist once told me something I will never forget. “Life is loss.” I have thought of those three tiny words so very often, and the incredible weight in their truth. Yes, life is loss, and once you understand the inevitability of that fact- you are able to find the lesson and the hope you need to accept it.

Sorrow prepares you for joy.

It violently sweeps everything
out of your house, so that new
joy can find space to enter.

It shakes the yellow leaves
from the bough of your heart,
so that fresh, green leaves can
grown in their place.

It pulls up rotten roots,
so that new roots hidden
beneath have room to grow.

Whatever sorrow shakes from
your heart, far better things
will take their place.
- Rumi

Change is inevitable, but it isn’t always easy to understand or accept. I don’t just mourn the loss of life of friends and family. I also feel the incredible loss of lost time and wasted moments that can never be regained.

And although I think on loss a great deal, I am not hopeless nor am I depressed. I have come to understand and accept it; I live with it, and I deal with my losses- great and small. I do not allow loss to consume me. It is a teacher and a guide. My losses remind me of who I am and where I have been; and my losses guide my future decisions and choices. I do not dwell in misery or despair. I accept that loss is a huge part of life, but it is NOT every part of life.

"... even out of unspeakable grief, beautiful things take wing."  - A.R. Torres, The Lessons of Loss

The pain of losing people and things, that I have truly loved, reminds me to cherish the people and things I still have right now. Loss has taught me to appreciate what I still have and what is yet to come.

The kids AREN'T alright- Why getting wasted with the kids is never a good idea

Photo: Charlottesville Police Department/AP

If you live in the Commonwealth of Virginia, you can’t miss all the coverage of the tragic murder case where two young people attending the University of Virginia were caught up in a volatile and finally, lethal relationship.

It is a sad and sick story, even more so because it is a story that could happen to any family, under the same circumstances. In this case, it occurred in a family of financial and societal means.  The Huguely family had everything going for them, by our current standards of success and good fortune. He was nice looking, smart, athletic, privileged. So, how does something like this happen to a family? Is it environment, culture, genes, or a deadly combination of them all?

What happened?
The young man, George Huguely V, is on trial for murdering his former girlfriend, apparently in a drunken rage. Reading the accounts in the newspapers of his massive alcohol consumption and drinking habits is disturbing by itself.

Even more disturbing is the information that on at least occasion, he was drinking with his father, George IV; and on another occasion with his mother. Perhaps this is considered normal in many families, and if that is the case, I think there is more to worry about than college high- jinx and partying. Parents take note: many of you are NOT going to like some of the things I am going to say, but perhaps you may need to listen.

Getting loaded with the parents
I am truly disturbed by the sad details that have emerged from this trial. In addition to being shocked by the amount of drinking that is going on in the lives of college students, the worst and most damaging part of this tragedy is that the parents were at best, enablers, at worst, accomplices.  

Clearly the culture of alcohol abuse and addiction is passed from generation to generation, not only through genes, but by the messages and values these parents are imparting on their kids. Perhaps the parents, and this is clearly speculation on my part, as I do not know any of the parties involved- are so steeped in their own alcoholism that they failed to recognize the serious warning signs in their son’s behavior.

Perhaps it is simply the culture of boozing and getting plastered so you can let your inhibitions out in a very button-downed, WASPish environment. I know of families who engage in what I consider outrageous drinking with their adult children and I have very strong opinions about it. I am not going to get on a pedestal and say that they are being bad parents. I don’t have to. The proof is in the pudding.

Time and time again there are instances that come to light about parents who allow their children, even encourage them, to drink to excess. Some of them have been famous- politicians, celebrities, sports personalities. Now and again there are articles or news stories about everyday “regular” families where this happens. The kids get in trouble, and upon further investigation, it is discovered that they were partying with the parents.



The death of common sense or generational problems?
This leads us to ponder, what are these parent’s thinking? Clearly there are some very serious family dynamics to investigate, but we will leave that to the mental health professionals. Many parents don’t have proper boundaries with their children and want to “be their friends” more than they want to play a parental role.

And last but not least, the addiction issue. If mom and dad can’t monitor or control their own alcohol use, how are they going to be able to have a clear and objective view of Junior, or in this case, the fifth’s alcohol use or abuse?

Lessons learned
So here we have a beautiful young woman, brutally killed in the prime of life by a young man with everything to live for, who is now most likely going to spend the rest of his days behind bars. Being drunk out of your mind is not a legal defense. Many people don’t realize that important legal reality. Just because you were drunk does not negate responsibility.

Such a waste of two young lives, and for what? It’s all fun and games until someone gets killed. How many people die every year as a result of young people, or their parents, being drunk behind the wheel of a car? It is a wakeup call when it happens, but then… it’s too late.

Too late for some, but not for others
I hope and pray that this case will be the wakeup call for many of these college kids and their indulgent and reckless parents.
Parents- please stop getting drunk with your kids. Kids- please get the clue that just because mom and dad do it doesn’t mean it is right or okay. Be man, or woman, enough to see that excessive drinking and alcohol abuse is no way to deal with life or problems or societal pressure. If everyone at the country club is shitfaced, be an individual and save yourself, and your future kids, some heartache.

If you find that you can’t stop or you need support outside your family, there are places you can go for encouragement and support in a sober life. Don’t wait until something horrible happens, because it usually does.

Boylan Heights bar at center of U-Va. drinking scene - The Washington Post

In a family, love doesn't always mean agreeing or understanding

Being part of a family is unlike any other relationship experienced in life. A person can choose their friends, job, clubs and organizations, hobbies, and even a spouse. But, you can’t choose the people who are often closest to you- your relatives. This can be one of the best, and the worst, aspects of family.

Attempting to get along with siblings is one of the first lessons most people learn growing up. In childhood, squabbles and fights are common, accepted, and to be expected. As a person gets older, the terrain can get rockier and more perilous. Trying to understand and get along can be one of life’s most trying and frustrating lessons. It can be very challenging to get along with people you have nothing in common with or try your last nerve.

It is one of life’s greatest mysteries and challenges attempting to understand those closest to us. How is it that people who grew up in the same household, or were raised by, or have the same DNA, can be so different? Family relationships can be exhausting and discouraging, but well worth the effort.
It isn’t essential for parents to completely understand, or accept, all the choices their children make, in order to love them. The same is true for siblings.

Most important is to keep in mind that all individuals in a family have a right to their own lifestyle and pursuit of happiness. It isn’t for any family member to tell another how to live their life, barring any obvious dangerous or destructive choices.

Focusing on the love and the importance of the family connection is vital. How often is there a heart-wrenching tale of a divided family which fought and fussed for years over differences of opinion, only to have a loved one die and never to have been able to make amends? It is usually in hindsight that people understand that life is too short to seek arguments over situations which are not in agreement. Not being able to understand another person’s choices does not preclude love and respect. Giving an open and loving heart, without judgment or conditions, can be challenging, but well worth the effort.There are very few instances in life when you can happily surrender the small picture for the greater good.

You don’t have to agree with, or like a person, to feel great love for them as a member of a family. Familial love is one of the greatest and strongest bonds a person can experience. It defies logic and reason. It stands up to great adversity and shows amazing resilience. It can be one of the most selfless and inspiring examples of love and kindness. Familial love is not something easily explained. It is better to be experienced.

Nurturing and caring for familial relationships is something everyone can always seek to improve. Family is the greatest and most powerful concept human beings from every corner of the planet, can understand and experience. It endures when temporary things, like wealth, health, glory, and youth, fade. Feeling frustrated, or annoyed, is a small price to pay for the enduring blessing of a relationship with a beloved family member.

Loving Siblings

Originally written for Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/adult-children-in-washington-dc/in-a-family-love-doesn-t-always-mean-agreeing-or-understanding

The pitfalls of living vicariously through children of any age

I orignially wrote this article a few years ago for the Examiner.com site- DC Adult Child Examiner- but it is more relevant than ever. This is a touchy subject, but one which needs to be explored and faced by many parents.

As children grow towards adulthood, it can be a challenge for parents to bridge the gap between childhood to the next stages in their child’s development. Separating their own identity from their child can be a great obstacle for parents.

As children mature, their talents and individual personalities manifest. Often they participate in activities which highlight these gifts and it is a great source of pride for their parents. This is a normal phenomenon which helps the child to be encouraged and increase self esteem. But, in some circumstances, the parent or parents can begin to fixate on their child’s successes in a wholly unhealthy manner. This situation occurs when the parent(s) begin living vicariously through their child. It can begin in early childhood and continue through an adult child’s entire life.

Webster defines: Vicarious 1: serving instead of someone or something else
2: performed or suffered by one person as a substitute for another or to the benefit or advantage of another 3: experienced or realized through imaginative or sympathetic participation in the experience of another


Being genuinely happy or proud of a child is not the same as being obsessed with their accomplishments. A parent basking in the child’s light takes away from the child’s accomplishments and achievements. Unhealthy expressions of pride arise when the parent(s) begin to live vicariously through the achievements of the child in ways which can cause embarrassment, discomfort, stress, anxiety and feelings of hopelessness. It becomes more toxic in nature and can put a great deal of pressure and pain on the child. The worst example of this behavior is when parents become violent at sporting events or other types of competition.

In many instances, the unhealthy behavior begins when the amount of time spent on the child’s achievements outweighs the time parents spend on their own lives and pursuits. There needs to be a healthy balance which takes the pressure off of the child and does not make them feel as if their success is always reflected onto the parents. It is critical for the child to feel that their successes are their own and to feel the love and support of parents without the unhealthy obsessive interest.

Parents may use their children as a distraction from their own problems or disappointments, whether they are marital, financial, or an unfulfilled need to feel special. Loneliness, divorce, or other family problems can exacerbate this behavior.

Dysfunctional parents rely on the pursuits and accomplishments of their children when they have none of their own. This is often seen in the case of “Stage Mothers” or fathers who are coaches. It is often the case in families with high profile persons, such as politicians or high-ranking military families when children’s accomplishments are included as an adjunct to their own list of achievements.

It is the height of narcissism to take credit for the achievements of children of any age. Their lives, personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and individuality must be separate from their parents. The older a child is, the more important it is for them to be seen as their own person with their own identity.

Showing interest and appreciation is one of the greatest joys of parenting. As the child matures to an adult, the parent must begin to divest themselves from the activities and lives of the child. It is intrusive to hover over them and insist on being included in all areas of their life.

A healthy distance and space is required in order for the child to develop into the person they are, separate and apart from their parents and family. It is not productive or loving to insist on being part of every aspect of their lives. In fact, parents should feel a sense of relief at the prospect of having more time for their own pursuits and activities and for the focus to shift on to other parts of their lives.

Being a loving, concerned, involved parent is not the same as living vicariously through a child. The toxic part occurs when it is overdone, excessive, obsessive, and intrusive.

 Being a loving family and sustaining healthy relationships comes down to viewing each family member as an individual who is loved whether they triumph or fail. Respecting children’s choices and differences, as they grow to adulthood, is key to building and nurturing the healthiest relationships possible.

Adult involvement in extracurricular activities detrimental By Peter Lee
Ask Dan: Letting go of dreams for your adult children By Dan Gottlieb
Harming Your Child by Making Him Your Parent By SAMUEL LÓPEZ DE VICTORIA, PH.D.
Great Expectations: May Be Too Great for Only Children By Susan Newman, Ph.D
Parents Turn Violent During Youth Sports By Caitlin A. Johnson
Healthy Encouragement for Your Child's Interests by Kim Rogers
Are You Living Vicariously Through Your Children? By Corinne Casazza


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