The kids AREN'T alright- Why getting wasted with the kids is never a good idea

Photo: Charlottesville Police Department/AP

If you live in the Commonwealth of Virginia, you can’t miss all the coverage of the tragic murder case where two young people attending the University of Virginia were caught up in a volatile and finally, lethal relationship.

It is a sad and sick story, even more so because it is a story that could happen to any family, under the same circumstances. In this case, it occurred in a family of financial and societal means.  The Huguely family had everything going for them, by our current standards of success and good fortune. He was nice looking, smart, athletic, privileged. So, how does something like this happen to a family? Is it environment, culture, genes, or a deadly combination of them all?

What happened?
The young man, George Huguely V, is on trial for murdering his former girlfriend, apparently in a drunken rage. Reading the accounts in the newspapers of his massive alcohol consumption and drinking habits is disturbing by itself.

Even more disturbing is the information that on at least occasion, he was drinking with his father, George IV; and on another occasion with his mother. Perhaps this is considered normal in many families, and if that is the case, I think there is more to worry about than college high- jinx and partying. Parents take note: many of you are NOT going to like some of the things I am going to say, but perhaps you may need to listen.

Getting loaded with the parents
I am truly disturbed by the sad details that have emerged from this trial. In addition to being shocked by the amount of drinking that is going on in the lives of college students, the worst and most damaging part of this tragedy is that the parents were at best, enablers, at worst, accomplices.  

Clearly the culture of alcohol abuse and addiction is passed from generation to generation, not only through genes, but by the messages and values these parents are imparting on their kids. Perhaps the parents, and this is clearly speculation on my part, as I do not know any of the parties involved- are so steeped in their own alcoholism that they failed to recognize the serious warning signs in their son’s behavior.

Perhaps it is simply the culture of boozing and getting plastered so you can let your inhibitions out in a very button-downed, WASPish environment. I know of families who engage in what I consider outrageous drinking with their adult children and I have very strong opinions about it. I am not going to get on a pedestal and say that they are being bad parents. I don’t have to. The proof is in the pudding.

Time and time again there are instances that come to light about parents who allow their children, even encourage them, to drink to excess. Some of them have been famous- politicians, celebrities, sports personalities. Now and again there are articles or news stories about everyday “regular” families where this happens. The kids get in trouble, and upon further investigation, it is discovered that they were partying with the parents.



The death of common sense or generational problems?
This leads us to ponder, what are these parent’s thinking? Clearly there are some very serious family dynamics to investigate, but we will leave that to the mental health professionals. Many parents don’t have proper boundaries with their children and want to “be their friends” more than they want to play a parental role.

And last but not least, the addiction issue. If mom and dad can’t monitor or control their own alcohol use, how are they going to be able to have a clear and objective view of Junior, or in this case, the fifth’s alcohol use or abuse?

Lessons learned
So here we have a beautiful young woman, brutally killed in the prime of life by a young man with everything to live for, who is now most likely going to spend the rest of his days behind bars. Being drunk out of your mind is not a legal defense. Many people don’t realize that important legal reality. Just because you were drunk does not negate responsibility.

Such a waste of two young lives, and for what? It’s all fun and games until someone gets killed. How many people die every year as a result of young people, or their parents, being drunk behind the wheel of a car? It is a wakeup call when it happens, but then… it’s too late.

Too late for some, but not for others
I hope and pray that this case will be the wakeup call for many of these college kids and their indulgent and reckless parents.
Parents- please stop getting drunk with your kids. Kids- please get the clue that just because mom and dad do it doesn’t mean it is right or okay. Be man, or woman, enough to see that excessive drinking and alcohol abuse is no way to deal with life or problems or societal pressure. If everyone at the country club is shitfaced, be an individual and save yourself, and your future kids, some heartache.

If you find that you can’t stop or you need support outside your family, there are places you can go for encouragement and support in a sober life. Don’t wait until something horrible happens, because it usually does.

Boylan Heights bar at center of U-Va. drinking scene - The Washington Post

What I've learned from watching "Downton Abbey"

I am a huge fan of British period shows and movies. Let me repeat it for emphasis- I AM A HUGE FAN of British period shows and movies!  I have watched “Sense and Sensibility” more times than I can recall, and am teased about it by my family.  

I started watching PBS Masterpiece Theater as a pre-teen and have followed it religiously over the years. I have worshiped at the church of Anglophile television with a passionate fervor that most people can’t begin to understand.  I don’t know what it is about the British that appeals to me so much. To my knowledge, I don’t have a drop of British blood in my veins.  So you can only imagine the joy and excitement I experienced upon embarking on my “Downton Abbey” experience.

For those who have been living in a cave for the last year and haven’t, shudder, heard about “Downton Abbey”, I will enlighten you now.

"A star-studded cast (Dame Maggie Smith, Hugh Bonneville, Elizabeth McGovern, Brendan Coyle, Dan Stevens) round out the glittering, gossipy, and beguiling men and women of this epic tale!

After a tragedy at sea claims the life of the presumed heir, Lord Crawley is faced with the possibility that the house he's loved his whole life might someday belong to a distant cousin he's never met. But before that can happen he must deal with his scandalous daughter, Lady Mary - considered by many to be the rightful heir to Downton. Even the staff has opinions on the family's affairs. And while most are devoted to the Crawleys, there are others whose selfishness and scheming do more than simply disrupt the well-oiled inner workings of the estate. As the servants' mischief escalates, even the most faithful employees begin to imagine a different life.

Pitting hundreds of years of British aristocracy against the tides of social upheaval and technical progress, under the looming shadow of World War I, will the fate of Downton and its family - above and below stairs - be resolved? Or will life be altered so dramatically that its master no longer matters? " - PBS website

The many hours I spent watching “Downton Abbey” were a wonderful escape into another world, another era, another culture. But what truly moved me about the series was the emphasis on the value of ties that bind people together, year after year, through hardships and triumphs.

The servant-master relationships are very difficult to relate to or fathom from an American, twentieth century perspective. The turn of the century was a harsh and unforgiving time and place in which to live, especially for the poor and uneducated.

The show was balanced in portraying both the wealthy and privileged, and lowly and poor alike with character flaws.  The rich folk were portrayed as mostly kind and fair, and servants were shown to have just as many character flaws and evil intentions as the wealthy, titled crowd. I found that to be refreshing and more sophisticated than many programs or movies which portray servants and poor people as completely free of malice or misdeeds.

“Downton Abbey” has a wealth of fascinating lessons and great deep insights to impart. I will list a few:

Lesson #1- If you are going to marry for money, make sure you can tolerate the person on some level.

Lesson #2- If a doctor tells you that you will never walk again, make sure you get a second opinion.

Lesson #3- Servants have much more interesting lives than their masters.

Lesson #4- Having only daughters can be an expensive proposition. Especially when they can’t inherit any of the money or titles upon your death.

Lesson #5- Greedy, scheming, and nasty people will get what’s coming to them in the end.

Lesson #6- Dowager Countesses get all the really awesome lines!

Lesson #7- Class matters, especially in times of war and hunger, but it can’t protect you from tragedy.

Lesson #8- Sometimes the chauffer gets the heiress, but not usually.

Lesson #9- Watching outrageously wealthy people attempt to perform mundane tasks is endlessly amusing.

Lesson #10- Being the father of three spoiled, indulged, daughters is a challenge, even if you have a castle.

The greatest one of all: Lesson #11- Good, loyal friends and family bonds and are the things that truly get us through the difficulties and trials of life.

“Downton Abbey” may not appeal to everyone at first glance, but I promise it has entertainment value beyond the historical and cultural. There is plenty of humor and universally understood emotions that most people will be able to understand and appreciate.

Praise for Downton Abbey

"An instant classic."
The New York Times

"Compulsively watchable from the get-go."
Variety

       "Impossible to resist."
  Wall Street Journal

 

 

 

 

 

In a family, love doesn't always mean agreeing or understanding

Being part of a family is unlike any other relationship experienced in life. A person can choose their friends, job, clubs and organizations, hobbies, and even a spouse. But, you can’t choose the people who are often closest to you- your relatives. This can be one of the best, and the worst, aspects of family.

Attempting to get along with siblings is one of the first lessons most people learn growing up. In childhood, squabbles and fights are common, accepted, and to be expected. As a person gets older, the terrain can get rockier and more perilous. Trying to understand and get along can be one of life’s most trying and frustrating lessons. It can be very challenging to get along with people you have nothing in common with or try your last nerve.

It is one of life’s greatest mysteries and challenges attempting to understand those closest to us. How is it that people who grew up in the same household, or were raised by, or have the same DNA, can be so different? Family relationships can be exhausting and discouraging, but well worth the effort.
It isn’t essential for parents to completely understand, or accept, all the choices their children make, in order to love them. The same is true for siblings.

Most important is to keep in mind that all individuals in a family have a right to their own lifestyle and pursuit of happiness. It isn’t for any family member to tell another how to live their life, barring any obvious dangerous or destructive choices.

Focusing on the love and the importance of the family connection is vital. How often is there a heart-wrenching tale of a divided family which fought and fussed for years over differences of opinion, only to have a loved one die and never to have been able to make amends? It is usually in hindsight that people understand that life is too short to seek arguments over situations which are not in agreement. Not being able to understand another person’s choices does not preclude love and respect. Giving an open and loving heart, without judgment or conditions, can be challenging, but well worth the effort.There are very few instances in life when you can happily surrender the small picture for the greater good.

You don’t have to agree with, or like a person, to feel great love for them as a member of a family. Familial love is one of the greatest and strongest bonds a person can experience. It defies logic and reason. It stands up to great adversity and shows amazing resilience. It can be one of the most selfless and inspiring examples of love and kindness. Familial love is not something easily explained. It is better to be experienced.

Nurturing and caring for familial relationships is something everyone can always seek to improve. Family is the greatest and most powerful concept human beings from every corner of the planet, can understand and experience. It endures when temporary things, like wealth, health, glory, and youth, fade. Feeling frustrated, or annoyed, is a small price to pay for the enduring blessing of a relationship with a beloved family member.

Loving Siblings

Originally written for Examiner.com http://www.examiner.com/adult-children-in-washington-dc/in-a-family-love-doesn-t-always-mean-agreeing-or-understanding

Time spent in Purgatory- also known as- My daily commute on The Bus of the Damned

Yes, that is a dramatic title, but lately, my public transportation experiences are beginning to feel like Purgatory. I have been writing imaginary prayers in order to stop myself from snapping at people, or actually becoming one of those stories you read about while riding on public transportation.

Because I don’t believe in re-inventing the wheel, so to speak, I FOUND an amazingly accurate website which has done far more work than I plan to invest in this topic. I HIGHLY recommend you view it in order to capture some of the look and feel of what I have been encountering lately. I would rather ride with these guys.

The website is called- Transit Freaks.  Before you think I am being harsh or cynical, please don’t judge me unless you have been forced to be SQUEEZED into a metal tube and pressed up against someone you don’t know, as if they were your most intimate partner or your spouse.  That’s called the METRO. The "wonderful" joy of riding Metro, and that is a whole blog by itself, is like the most dysfunctional person in your family. You can’t live with them, but if you work in D.C. and don’t want to pay a mortgage-like parking fee every month, you can’t live without them.

Metro is a great idea with LOUSY execution. It is a hot mess. Sometimes literally. Mercifully, I only have to travel 3 stops to my office. Believe me when I tell you, those 3 stops can seem like an eternity if you are sitting next to the wrong person OR if you are crushed in the aforementioned situation.

Sadly, many commuters don’t have basic hygiene as one of their strong suites. Having Halitosis Harry breathe on you for three stops can make 15 minutes seem like 15 hours. Summer is so much worse than winter because you may actually have skin to skin contact when the weather is warm. Ugh. Hence the prayers.

Example:  Our Lady of Perpetually Smelly Travelers, please help me to hold my breath without dying until I reach Gallery Place. Amen

You see where I am going with this. Here is an example of the expression I have when I experience the damnation each day

The Bus of the Damned is another story. I have compiled a short list of SINS that my fellow damned commit on our lovely bus and ask sincerely that you look introspectively and ponder whether you are guilty of any of them:

1. Thou shall not talk on the cell phone so loudly that others are forced to listen to your personal business.

2. Thou shall make sure that you are not listening to your music so loudly in your headphones that your fellow travelers know every song on your ipod.

3. Thou shall remember not to wear cheap, stinky, aftershave or perfume. Your fellow travelers do not want to vomit on other passengers.

4. Thou shall remember to bathe and brush teeth in the event that you will be close enough, AND YOU WILL, to other travelers to breathe on them.

5. Thou shall not fall asleep on another traveler. No one wants to be your body pillow.

6. Thou shall not assume that everyone on the bus is deaf. WE CAN HEAR YOU and when you talk very loudly to another passenger or into your phone, it is annoying and rude. BE AWARE of your surroundings.

7. Thou shall not shake your wet hair, umbrella, coat or belongings on a fellow traveler. Again, BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS. We are all on this Bus of the Damned together. Do we have to make it any worse than it is?

8. Thou shall not take up two seats. Don’t take up valuable real estate by spreading out all your books, bags, or even yourself, so that you are denying someone else a seat. BE CONSIDERATE. The world does NOT revolve around YOU!

9. Thou shall be thoughtful, courteous, and polite. We all have to be on this Bus of the Damned together. Let’s try to make it as civilized as possible.

10. Thou shall not assume that anyone on the Bus of the Damned cares to hear about your politics, religious affiliation, sports team, or your rants about metro. IT IS A BUS, not a roundtable discussion. Zip it until you get to your office.

In closing, I want to say that I do encounter wonderful, kind, friendly, and normal people on public transportation too. Unfortunately, they are in the minority. I realize that public transportation is a very valuable part of urban living and I support it.

It is my sincerest wish that people could learn to be more aware of how their actions and behavior impact the people around them. If that happened, perhaps there could be salvation for those riders on the Bus of the Damned and the daily commute could be so much more enjoyable.

If you know anyone who is guilty of these commuter sins, pass it along. Maybe it is the hint they need to get on the righteous path.

Seven things that truly matter

This will be my last post of 2011 and I want to keep it short, sweet, and on point, so there will only be the top seven. They say that seven is a magical and mystical number, and I think it is a good starting point. I have settled for seven since I have so many things that matter to me, way too numerous to name.

The past year has been an action-packed collection of incredible highs and discouraging lows. I have experienced, once again, the importance of focusing on the things that truly matter. To do otherwise is an enormous waste of time, energy, and resources. 

2011 reinforced some critical values and gave me some deep clarity and insight into the things that make my life as rich and blessed as it is.

Here are the top seven things that truly matter to me:

1. My family and friends.  Without them, I would be lost. They are the people who are my greatest teachers, my solace, my strength, my inspiration and my heart. This is not to say that they can also drive me mad. The goodness and generosity of my family is worth all the struggle, aggravation and stress that come with human relationships and dynamics. I love the people in my family, and extended family, with a ferocity and strength that is able to overcome the little annoyances and fusses that may arise.

2. My career. Years ago I would never have imagined how important my career would become to me. I was a stay-at-home mom for ten years and when I went back into the workforce, I had to struggle and deal with things that prevented me from really loving what I was doing. Working was a means to an end- a way to support my children and myself. While I still have to work to pay the bills, I actually love my work now. My career brings me incredible satisfaction and makes me feel complete as a person. I actually do get paid to do what I love- writing.

3. My marriage. Yes, of course I consider my husband to be part of my family, but as those of us who are married know- marriage is a very different “animal”.  I have been with my husband for many years, but we only married in 2011. Being a wife to the man I love has taught me that marriage is something that must be worked at daily, and it is probably the most challenging and difficult relationship in life. That said, it is also one of the most glorious and sublime states a person can hope to have. I was single, after my first marriage ended, for over 20 years. I didn’t think I would ever marry again. I was afraid to fail again, so I avoided the possibility of marriage for many years. But I have come to realize that despite the difficulties, frustrations, challenges, and heartaches- marriage is truly wonderful and I am so thankful for mine.

4. My health. Such a cliché but so very relevant, especially as one ages. I am so very thankful for my health and the health of my family and friends. Good health is the foundation of so many other joys and it gives possibility to so much. I never take it for granted and it is something that makes all the difference.

5. My sanity and sobriety. While there are many days where I question the former, the latter is something that truly matters to me. Mental illness and addiction bring incredible unhappiness, chaos, strife and misery to so many people, their families, and society at large. I am grateful to have both and I pray every day that all those who struggle with either, or both, will find the strength, grace, and courage to seek the help they need. I encourage ALL people to work to help those who suffer with these conditions in any way they are able. The differences between a life of sanity and sobriety, and that of mental illness and addiction, have no compare.

6. My integrity and self esteem.  Without integrity and self esteem, or self respect, life would be an empty and hollow existence. Even if you managed to amass a financial fortune or incredible fame, what would it matter if you weren’t a person with integrity? And if you live your life without self-respect or esteem, you can’t possibly find a way to enjoy all the other wonderful parts of life that make it worth the struggle. In truth, without self-esteem, self-love or respect, you can’t truly love anyone else in a healthy or productive way.  I am happy that I have reached a point in my life where I feel content and at peace with my integrity and self-esteem. It took many years, many lessons and a great deal of pain- but I feel that I reached the point of being comfortable, happy and proud of the person I am.

7. My spiritual faith and my love of country. As they say, last but not least- my faith and my love of country are two things that keep me grounded and bring me incredible joy. If I did not have either of these blessings in my life, I would truly be lost. I don’t push either of these things on anyone. I believe they are two of the most personal and private aspects of a person. But I will give testimony to the value and the goodness of both. I love God and I love my country and I am not ashamed for anyone to know. They have both brought infinite happiness and satisfaction to my life. I am grateful to both for my life, my blessings and my many opportunities.

I wish everyone a blessed, joyous, serene, and prosperous 2012. May you find the things in your life that truly matter to you, and find a way to live life to its fullest.

Tis’ the season – alcohol, the holidays, and a fresh new start

Yes, tis’ the season to be jolly, festive, merry and full of holiday spirit and cheer. But why does it seem that holiday “spirit and cheer” must be alcohol-related? More and more I get the feeling that without alcohol, a great number of people are unable to enjoy social gatherings of any kind. Have we reached a point where fun and joy must include drinking alcohol?

At this time of year there are abundant holiday parties, open houses and family gatherings, and with them- much pressure to drink, and over- drink, which is a nice way to say “drunk”.  There is so much pressure to drink, it seems inconceivable to many that there are many of us out there who manage just fine without partaking. As a matter of fact, we may be having the most fun of all in our sobriety.

Many years ago, I came to the realization that alcohol brought nothing positive to my life or relationships, and I made the decision to live a sober life. I have never regretted that decision. Before that epiphany, I too used to enjoy drinking at social gatherings and holiday outings. Due to some serious life-changing events and thought-provoking situations, I came to understand that for many people, alcohol is not something that will ever bring great tidings of comfort and joy, at any time of year.

I am not trying to be a downer during this time of great rejoicing and holiday festivities. I am only seeking to offer an alternative lifestyle choice that could change people’s lives and the lives of their loved ones forever. Many who read this may realize that they could give themselves, and the people in their lives, the greatest gift of all- a life of thoughtful sobriety and a healthier way of living.

I urge everyone to look introspectively and really assess what part alcohol is playing in their lives and how it is affecting their home life, relationships, professional careers, and health- both physical and mental.  

The truth is, you don’t have to drink alcohol to be the life of the party, and more importantly, you don’t have to drink alcohol to function in your everyday life. If you find that you have lost the ability to make that choice, and you are drinking to self-medicate or get through life, I humbly and compassionately urge you to please get help. There are so many resources and organizations to choose from. It may not be easy, but I promise that the pay-off will be worth it. Take it one day at a time, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and make 2012 a new start and beginning.

So without judgment or self-righteousness, I implore everyone to take some time to consider an option you may not have realized, or may have been too afraid to face. A life of sobriety is something to consider. I wish you peace and joy during the season of renewal and hope.

A related article to consider- http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2011/11/20-things-you-notice-when-youre-not-drinking

Is sincerity dead?

Sincerity is a hard topic to discuss and understand, but I feel compelled to make the attempt because the concept intrigues me. To really do it justice, it is important to first understand what sincerity really is and what it implies. What exactly is SINCERITY?

Sincerity is the virtue of one who speaks and acts truly about his or her own feelings, thoughts, anddesires. (Wikipedia)

sin·cer·i·ty  noun \-ˈser-ə-tē, -ˈsir-\
Definition :  the quality or state of being sincere : honesty of mind : freedom from hypocrisy  (Merriam Webster Dictionary)

The Oxford English Dictionary and most scholars state that sincerity  from sincere is derived from the Latin sincerus meaning clean, pure, sound (1525–35). Sincerus may have once meant "one growth" (not mixed), from sin- (one) and crescere (to grow).

So basically, in a nutshell, it is being real, truthful, authentic, honest and good in your thoughts, actions, and words.  I like that.

But what value does sincerity hold in our world today? How sincere are we? If you follow most of the news and media, sincerity doesn’t seem to be high on the list of important values. It actually seems to be a dying concept.  You have leaders and politicians, on both sides of the aisle, who routinely lie, cheat, steal and manipulate for their own gain.

You see “celebrities” who marry for publicity and feign emotions on camera, which make them millions of dollars for basically doing nothing. There are coaches, religious leaders of every faith, people from every walk of life and profession, rich and poor alike; and they all have one thing in common- an enormous lack of sincerity. What happened to being honest, truthful, and REAL?

We see it in our workplace, our families, and in every facet of our lives- people who can’t or won’t be real. They put on a façade or a fake persona to either impress or manipulate those around them. I suppose it is easier for some to try to dupe those around them into thinking they are nicer, smarter, more honest or likeable. Or maybe it is a way to get what they want without showing their true intentions, especially if they have a hidden agenda of some kind or another.

I have seen people, especially women, who will present an image of sweetness so over-the-top that they almost ooze with syrupy goo. But who do these people think they are fooling and what is the price of this charade? Most of the time, insincerity is obvious and desperate. The sad part is that many times, the chronically insincere begin to believe their own hype and falseness and they lose the ability to actually feel their real feelings and thoughts because they become lost within the prison of their false personas.

I don’t like liars. I never have and I never will. I realize that everyone does it to some degree. Sometimes lying is used to spare people’s feelings- I get that. Sometimes we have to lie in social situations because the truth would be uncomfortable and dicey. We all have examples in our lives where we have had to be insincere. It should be the exception to the rule- NOT THE RULE.

Sincerity is an important value- a virtue to be sure. Sadly, it seems to be something that has lost a great deal of importance in the age of electronic communication. Studies have shown that more people lie in email and text messages and in cyberspace because it is just so easy to do so without effort.  Is being “real” and sincere so terribly hard? Is honesty an outdated concept just because there are so many more ways to be dishonest?

As I thought about writing this post, I was afraid I might come across as preachy or judgmental. That isn’t my intent. Really, at the end of the day, the person who loses their sincerity and the ability to be real is the biggest loser of all. They do drag others into their web of insincerity and phoniness, but at what cost to themselves?

Embracing insincerity and losing the ability to be an authentic and sincere person is one of the most empty and desperate conditions a person can face. It is a loss of integrity and credibility as well as the creation of a fake persona and soul. You can’t really know, or love, an insincere person because they are an illusion, a phantom, and an empty shell. Sincerity takes guts, maturity and self-esteem. It is a defining characteristic in an actualized person.

My hope is that we will find a way to return to sincerity in its purest form and intention. I can think of few things more wonderful than to be able to be a man or a woman who speaks and acts truly about his or her own feelings, thoughts, and desires- free from hypocrisy and agendas.

Cultivating a grateful spirit and attitude is a worthy pursuit

"A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues."  - Cicero

Thanksgiving should be much more than a day when families gather together to eat and watch football. Thanksgiving is an important opportunity and a chance for all Americans to take an inventory of the things each family should be thankful for, as individuals and as a nation.

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many-not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."  - Charles Dickens

Here is a list of twenty important things families can contemplate and be thankful for on Thanksgiving:

1. Good health- Being in possession of good health should never be taken for granted. Good health is a blessing at any age.

2. Family members- Each family member should be appreciated for their own special gifts and unique place within the family.

3. A Home- Having a home is a basic need in every person’s life. Be it ever so humble, there truly is no place like home- whether it is a one room shack or an opulent mansion. Especially in this economy, where so many people have lost their homes, it is important to realize how much of a blessing a home is, and how easy it can be to lose one.

4. Freedom- Being born into a democracy where people have free speech, human rights and the right to vote is truly something to be thankful for every day. Living in a free country is a gift that people have given their lives for. Gratitude for freedom is something to teach young children, who don’t know any other kind of life than a free society.

5. Our Military and their families- It is very important to remember the men and women who defend our freedoms and our way of life. They are all over the world, often away from their loved ones. Their families sacrifice for our freedoms too.

6. A job- Considering the current state of the economy and unemployment all over the nation, a job is truly something to be thankful for. When a person loves their job, it is even more of a blessing.

7. A happy marriage/relationship- So many people take their spouse or significant other for granted. Thanksgiving is a time to think of how precious the gift of a loving partner can be.

8. Good friends- Truly good, loyal, and constant friends are one of the greatest treasures in life. Acquaintances, co-workers, or casual friendships are not the same as a true-blue friend. Their value is immense.

9. Enough food to eat- Thanksgiving is a holiday which for many, is filled with good food and bountiful meals. It is an important time of year to remember those who are less fortunate and to show thanks by sharing with those who have none.

10. Religious/Spiritual faith- For many people, faith is a gift which sustains and nurtures them in a way that nothing else can. If a person has faith, it is a blessing which should be acknowledged on Thanksgiving.

11. A Car- Having the ability to get from here to there is something many people take for granted. For those who do not have one, it can make life very complicated.

12. Clean Water- Anyone who has lived in most of the United States all of their lives probably can’t imagine not having clean, drinkable, water. Sadly, in a great number of people in the world do not have it. It is truly a blessing on many levels.

13. Free education for all citizens- An education is critical to attain many of the other blessings and opportunities available in our country. Many places in the world do not provide a solid, free, education to everyone.

14. Good roads and a well-functioning infrastructure- Most Americans would be shocked to know how terrible the roads and infrastructures are in other nations. We are truly blessed to live in a nation that has running water, reliable electricity and sewage systems which are cared for and maintained.

15. Tolerance- By and large, Americans are tolerant and accepting. It is the cornerstone of our democracy. Thanksgiving is a good time to contemplate and be thankful for the accepting and welcoming spirit of tolerance of others- regardless of: gender, race, culture, religion, sexual orientation or any other differences.

16. Honesty and integrity- Living in a country where most institutions and government are honest and fair is a true blessing. There are many places in the world where people are routinely cheated and abused. They have few protections from corruption and have no one to advocate for them.

17. Value of the individual- There are places in the world where the individual has no value, rights or standing. To live in a nation where we have rights as an individual, as well as part of the collective, is something to truly be thankful for.

18. Appreciation for literature, art and culture- Our society has a great love of all types of artistic, creative and beautiful expressions. Americans are blessed to have access to such enriching activities.

19. Peace of mind- A true blessing. If a person is able to find peace of mind in their life, they have discovered one of the greatest things life has to offer.

20. Abundance- Having an abundance of food, clothing, and other worldly goods is something to be very thankful for. There are many who want for the most basic needs and if a person is fortunate to have abundance, it is a duty to share with those who do not.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."  -  John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy."  - Jacques Maritain

In addition to these twenty- each family should strive to make their own list each year for the things which they feel most grateful.

(This post was taken from an article I wrote a few years ago-  http://www.examiner.com/adult-children-in-washington-dc/twenty-things-to-be-thankful-for-at-thanksgiving )

Six months till half a century

One of the most used clichés of all time is "Life is short". And it is true. I never realized how short until fairly recently. I have been thinking about time and age and life and death a great deal of late. Probably because in exactly six months from today, I will turn 50 years old. Half a century! How does that happen?  Where does the time go?
 We don’t think about it very much, but about 100 years ago, a large portion of people never made it to 50.  
Here is a list of 59 people who didn’t make it to age 40.

By today’s standards, 50 is considered very young to die, and is still considered “middle age”.  I have an uncle who is almost 94. He  turned 50 forty- four years ago! That really puts it in perspective. But consider that there are still many people who never make it to 50 and that in certain regions of the world, 50 is considered old because the life expectancy and quality of life is radically different from what it is in this country.
Global life expectancy tables

So, here I am, looking 50 right in the face. My last 6 months of being in my 40s. The last decade has been an amazing adventure. As an example, I will share some of the highs and lows of the last decade:

I started working for the Department of Defense, which changed my professional life

I met, fell in love, and married my husband

I became a grandmother, twice

My youngest child turned 18 and my two older children got married and “grew up”

I began to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a professional writer

I accomplished many personal and professional goals

I experienced the death of a grandchild

I embrace a life of sobriety

I have had my spiritual and “religious” faith tested and have maintained and grown in it

I have watched both of my parents retire

I have seen friends and co-workers die, some at a very young age

I experienced 9 months of unemployment in 2009

I have seen the world change and technology grown in ways I could never have expected

As I approach my half century, I feel intense gratitude, love, joy, optimism, strength, pride in my personal and professional accomplishments; and I look forward to many more years with my loved ones and friends. I am not afraid of getting older, looking older or even feeling a little older. I am embracing and accepting that aging is inevitable and I rejoice in it.

Getting older doesn’t have to be a negative or depressing event. Quite the contrary! Consider the alternative- death. And although that too is inevitable, I am not focusing on it. I hope to have many more years to spend with my family, husband and loved ones. I have been fortunate and blessed in my life and I accept that when the time comes, I will be ready. I am thankful for the last 50 years and hope for a future that will allow me to continue growing and learning and becoming the person I was born to be.

I am so thankful for the last 50 years- the good, the bad, the ups and the downs. I have experienced incredible joy and devastating losses. I have seen the best life has to offer, and the absolute worst. But I can't complain because I have LIVED, and loved, and fallen and risen. I have made terrible, aching mistakes and I have triumphed over incredible adversity. 

I look to May 12th, 2012 with a sense of wonder and great humility, and I hope and pray that the   future will allow me to continue growing and learning and becoming the person I was born to be.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up

Lately I have been focused on the concept of what it really means to let go of people and things in my life.

The other day, I had a profound thought as I was reflecting on people who have dropped out of my life and those who have chosen, for whatever reason, to cut off our relationship. At first, it made me feel angry and a little hurt, but then I had the realization that there is really nothing to be hurt or offended by if a person chooses not to be a part of your life. In fact, they are doing you a favor.

Why would anyone want someone to feel obligated to be in their life? If a person doesn't JOYOUSLY and enthusiastically embrace the friendship or connection, why hang on to it and suffer? LET THEM GO! And let them go with acceptance and peace.

In regard to relationships with others, there is simply no point in trying to "win" someone over or convince them to see your value. If your worth as a person is not seen by another, there is little reason or incentive to have that person in your life. What's the point if their heart is not in it?

We are conditioned to feel fear and hurt when others "reject us". But we must accept that it is healthy and productive to understand that people are different and have conflicting opinions which can impede the ability to form attachments or sustain a relationship. Sometime people simply grow apart; sometimes they have different values, interests or lifestyles. And sometimes, there are obstacles that prevent a connection or bond from forming or continuing.

When relationships and connections end, there is more room for better people and things in our lives. Time is short and filling it with individuals or relationships that are hollow, insincere or without real value is wasteful and useless. It doesn't bring anything to either person's life.

There are circumstances and cases when letting go of emotionally harmful or unavailable relationships or people is the only choice and course of action we can take.

But there are times and circumstances when letting go of relationships or people in our lives is really just a poor excuse for giving up because it involves people we are responsible for, or those who rely on us. Letting go of primary relationships (family), spouses, or lifelong friends due to selfishness, thoughtlessness, pettiness and immaturity is quitting and a breach of trust and respect. Letting go has nothing to do with breaking commitments.

Healthy "letting go" is a process which involves a deep and honest assessment of the situation and a personal inventory of the reasons why someone or something should be cut from your life. Once that process has been thoughtfully and reasonably completed, and it still makes sense to let go of the person or relationship from your life, there should be a feeling of peace and detachment. Letting go should bring value, harmony and respect to your life and it is a healthy and worthy act.

Letting go is a way to say goodbye without resentment, bitterness or anger. Releasing those toxic feelings and emotions, and working toward new and better relationships and people, is one of the cornerstones to a more fulfilling and serene life.

 “Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”  - Unknown

 

  

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