Top six destructive emotions: Recognizing the signs and symptoms of dysfunctional behavior

I am not an “expert” in psychology, but I have been around the block a few times and have learned a few things about people. I am a keen observer and from my observations, I have noticed that people with the most serious issues often have problems dealing with some or all of the emotions I have listed below.  

On any given day, any one of us can be affected by one or many of these emotions. The point of this post is to explore and recognize some negative emotions and acknowledge that they have the potential to destroy relationships and bring very destructive situations. Having a bad day is one thing, having a bad life is quite another.

It is often human nature to blame others for the ills that befall us. Habitually blaming others or events for character flaws will only serve to prolong the suffering and cause the individual to be in a repetitive cycle of these destructive emotions.  

Owning unhealthy emotions and the problems they can cause is the first step towards correcting the behaviors that accompany them. 

We are all works in progress, but it is important to recognize and address behavioral patterns in order to grow into the best person we can become.

Here are the top six destructive emotions and what they can yield in a person’s life:

1.      Frustration:  I believe that frustration is one of the most destructive of all emotions. I have seen frustration eat away at a person to the point of deep depression and physical illness. Frustration causes a person to question and complain about every aspect of their lives, and it feeds on itself. Frustration can also drive one to many of the other negative and destructive emotions on this list.

Chronic frustration is often caused by personal dissatisfaction with some aspect of the person’s life. Each individual has a responsibility to attend to the issues which are causing them frustration. It is all too easy to try to find blame outside of oneself; but at the end of the day, the frustrated individual needs to take personal responsibility to fixing their own situation and happiness. It isn’t anyone else’s job to fix someone else's life or problems.

Constant negativity is a vicious cycle and is at the heart of most people’s bad attitudes.

2.      Rage: While healthy anger is a good emotion, rage is a dangerous emotion for the person experiencing it and everyone around them. Inability to harness rage is at the heart of many crimes of passion. Dealing with anger in a normal, acceptable manner is entirely different than raging and exploding at people. Road Rage is not a joke, and in many states it is actually illegal.
Rage is an emotion that stems from chronic frustration. It has been scientifically shown that extreme rage can actually cause heart attack or stroke. Irrational and extreme anger is not productive and only leads to serious relationship issues.

Learning to cope and manage anger is a critical part of interpersonal relationships. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of extreme rage will know how terrifying and unsettling it can be.

3.      Jealousy: Most people will experience jealousy at one time or another. It is not unusual or dysfunctional until it becomes obsessive and controlling. There is a difference between feeling jealous when your significant other or spouse seems interested in another person and the point where a person is suspicious, obsessively controlling or imagining unreal or unfounded scenarios.

Another very unhealthy aspect of jealousy is when a person is jealous of the good fortune of others. Often this sort of envy will lead a person to frustration and bitterness. Realizing that others may have more of something doesn’t need to lead to jealousy or envy. If a person is fully actualized and mature, they will be able to accept that there are always going to be people who have more, but there are also people who have less.

Being satisfied with what is doesn’t mean a person has to be happy about it. It simply means that they don’t allow jealousy to gnaw away at them and drive them to a dysfunctional and destructive level of envy. 

Focusing on the things one does have and the good parts of their own life can help to ward off jealousy and unhealthy envy. It is pointless to be concerned with what others have, unless you find a way to have those things that you want in your own life. Strengthening one’s own self-worth and being mindful of the goodness in life can drive away the negativity that jealousy creates.

4.      Bitterness: One of the saddest things in life is seeing or being around a bitter person.  Bitter people are not good company. Their bitterness will drive most people away because just as we respond better to sweet foods, most people prefer to be around sweet people.
No one is sweet all the time. That would be annoying and unrealistic. But if bitterness and its accompanying behaviors are the norm, it is probably best to steer clear of this kind of person. People who have become bitter are usually those who are frustrated, jealous, and unable to accept things that have happened to them in life. That is a choice they have made.

Sadly, bitterness begets more unhappiness because it drives people away and is a self-perpetuating condition. The more bitter a person has become in life, the less love, happiness, or respect they will be able to experience.

5.      Insecurity: There are many reasons why a person becomes insecure. The problem with insecurity is that it eats away at a person’s self-confidence to the point of leading them to many of the other negative emotions on this list.

Insecure people can become bitter, jealous, and frustrated. If a person doesn’t believe in themselves or have a sense of personal security, they can never reach the point of feeling at peace or happy. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love anyone else? Insecurity can create a false persona or fake personality. Pathological insecurity can lead to terrible consequences and impedes self-awareness or improvement.



6.      Entitlement:  We all have come in contact with people who have an air of entitlement, and it is an awful thing to experience. Somehow these people believe that their needs, wants, and desires are more important than everyone else's. Whether it is in the workplace, or family, or acquaintance; dealing with someone who feels that they are the most important person in the room is exhausting and demoralizing.

Toxic bosses are a prime example of the person who feels entitled. Their entitlement causes stress and upset to anyone in their path. You can usually spot the entitled person because their motto in life is basically summed up by this sentence- “It’s all about me!
There are many reasons a person can get this dysfunctional attitude. It is a combination of selfishness, fear, insecurity, and jealousy. Once a person espouses this attitude, it is not easy for them to reform. Usually the best course of action is to minimize contact with such an individual and cut your losses.

Until a person loses their sense of entitlement, it is virtually impossible to form any kind of meaningful or lasting relationship with them, unless you are prepared to cater to their needs at the expense of your own. 
 

Opening the next chapter: Becoming a freelance writer

HOT OFF THE PRESSES! I recently made a big life decision that has taken me years to have the courage to face. I am going to finally start aggressively pursuing my freelance writing career.  

I currently work in communications, doing writing and editing for a living; so the skills and the work aspect is nothing new. The new part would be taking on independent projects and work for individual clients and sources.

It is a big decision and it has taken me some time to feel ready. But I have reached a point in my life where I want to pursue more diverse and varied work and projects, and expand my writing.

 These are a few examples of professional freelance writing services:

• Press Releases
• Articles
• Blogs
• Brochures
• Web copy/web content
• Professional Biographies
• Newsletters
• E-mail copy

Check, check, check… Yes, I can do all those, and more!

 And what exactly does all of this “Freelance” stuff involve?

Freelancer

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A freelancer, freelance worker, or freelance is somebody who is self-employed and is not committed to a particular employer long term. These workers are often represented by a company or an agency that resells their labor and that of others to its clients with or without project management and labor contributed by its regular employees. Others are completely independent. 'Independent contractor" would be the term used in a higher register of English.

Fields where freelancing is common include; music, journalism, publishing, screenwriting, filmmaking, acting, photojournalism, cosmetics, fragrances, editing, event planning, event management, copy editing, proofreading, indexing, copywriting, computer programming, web design, graphic design, website development, consulting, tour guiding, video editing, video production and translating.

Freelance practice varies greatly. Some require clients to sign written contracts, while others may perform work based on verbal agreements, perhaps enforceable through the very nature of the work. Some freelancers may provide written estimates of work and request deposits from clients.

Starting this new chapter is a bit daunting, but I am confident, ready, able and willing for it. Taking on new assignments will enable me to stretch myself as a writer and communications professional. I feel confident and believe that this is a bold step towards an enriching new chapter in my professional life.

So I am excited and happy about my decision and am hoping that I  will soon have some challenging and enriching projects to work on. If you know of anyone interested in a freelance writer, please be sure to pass my information on to them!

I am ready and prepared for a change, in my life and career; where my experience and knowledge has enabled me to be open to new challenges and areas of expression. It's taken a long time to reach this point and it feels very good to know that THIS is the right time!

WISH ME LUCK in my new endeavors!

Is the term “Working Mother” redundant or an oxymoron? A balanced woman makes the best mother

All over the news and in the media last week was the age old battle about working mothers vs     stay-at-home mothers. I refuse to get into the backstory of how the topic was brought up, AGAIN, but if you have a television, a computer and/or a newspaper, you already heard the whole dramatic situation over and over and over again, ad nauseum. And if you missed it, use Google.

Needless to say, this is a HOT argument. Always has been, always will be. It cuts very close to the quick for many people, and it brings out some nasty rhetoric and comments all around. A mom is a mom no matter where or how she works, but we’re kidding ourselves if we think it is that simple.

This is one of those debates and topics that is hard to pin down. It isn’t really a conservative vs liberal discussion, and it isn’t feminist vs non-feminist debate either. There are women, and men, from all walks of life and all persuasions who have pro and con feelings and opinions about it.

This is one conversation I feel very entitled to speak with great authority on because I have been both a stay-at-home mom and a single, working mom. I have “been there and done that” and I have some strong feelings on the topic, and firsthand experience.

Let me say upfront that there are no winners in this debate, and as my husband loves to point out to me, life isn’t fair. Once you get over that concept, everything in life will become less aggravating. It took me most of my life to digest that truth, and it is still not always easy.

I was a stay-at-home mom for over 10 years in the 1980s. I won’t go into all the particulars at this time, that whole story is too long for my purposes here. What I will say is that I have mixed feelings about it to this day. Let’s face it, being the primary caretaker of one or more children is an extremely challenging job.

If you don’t have children you will never understand the weight of that sentence. Seriously, being with kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week could break just about anyone. Even if you have the best-behaved children in the world, IF DONE CORRECTLY (and that is a debate all its own), it is honestly the hardest job you will ever love.


BUT, and this is the one that is going to draw jeers from the crowds, being a stay-at-home mother is NOTHING compared to being a working, single mother who is consumed with putting food on the table and making enough money to pay the rent/mortgage, and STILL make time for the kids.

Okay, there, I said it. Hate away if you want to, but that’s my story and I am sticking with it. I have lived both ends of the spectrum, and there is no way in this world that a woman who has the LUXURY, yes, I said LUXURY, of staying home with her children while her husband earns a wage capable of sustaining a family; can even begin to imagine the difficulty of trying to balance home life, work life, and usually not the kind of fantasy career one imagines a working mom might have.

I am not talking about women who choose to work because they love their careers and don’t feel called to the vocation of being a stay-at-home mom. In all honesty, I believe the vast majority of women who work outside their home do so because they have to in order to make ends meet. Whether they are married or single, most women today work because it is not economically feasible to do otherwise.

So, the debate is VERY complicated.  In one corner you have a) the woman who works because she has to in order for the family to survive; in the other corner you have; b) the woman who works because she doesn’t want to stay home and she prefers a career; in another corner you have; c) the woman who stays home because her husband makes enough money to support the family and she has chosen to give up her career; and in the last corner, you have; d) the mother who stays home because daycare costs would be more expensive than her having a job outside the home.

So what does it all mean? It means that women do not have easy choices. Some women’s choices are easier than others. Some women have their choices made for them because they DON’T HAVE A CHOICE. At the end of the day, there are pros and cons for all 4 scenarios. No one gets it all. Trust me, you don’t.

There are wonderful things about having a career. It took me until NOW (almost 50) to FINALLY do the kind of work I truly love and get a fair compensation for doing it. Those 10 years at home with my children were priceless in terms of emotional rewards, but they cost me a lot professionally. Did I catch up? Maybe, maybe not? Was it worth it? In some ways it was, but in others way, I am not so sure. There are no easy answers because even the questions are difficult.

We have all heard the extreme stories- the heiress who “stays home with the kids”, but actually the staff raise them. Or the working mom whose career goals are to the detriment of her entire family. (Many men have been doing that for centuries, but that’s another story for another day).  Then there are the regular people, most of us, who do the best they can with the situation and the circumstances they are faced with.

Being a parent is a complex and complicated business. Those of us who have taken it on and done our best, which sometimes wasn’t enough, know how hard decisions about work, family, and children can be- even in the most ideal circumstances.

Yes, every mom is sort of a working mom. When I stayed home with my children full time I worked VERY HARD! I cleaned, cooked, chauffeured, entertained, cleaned some more, played, rinse and repeat; day in and day out. It’s nice to spend time with the children and have time to manage a household, but after 10 years, it can become mind-numbingly tedious.

Maybe I just didn’t do it as well as I could have, who knows? All I know is that I felt that I was more focused on other people for most of those years than I was focusing on myself. Many people will say that is the cornerstone of “good” parenting. Well, my answer to that is balance. One must attempt to maintain balance in all things, and parenting requires one of the greatest balancing acts imaginable. I made a grave mistake and became lost to myself because I believed that to do otherwise would mean I wasn’t a good mother. I wouldn’t wish that on any woman.

There are no absolute truths on this matter. The only thing that is truly evident is the more choices, options, and financial means a person has, the easier it is to spend time with their kids. Now, what they do with that precious time is key to how “good” they are as parents.

I will say that the happiest and best mothers I’ve known are women who have support, respect,   self-confidence and solid self-awareness. They don’t view their children as extensions of themselves or live vicariously through them. AND they don’t do the bare minimum as far as attention and interest. The best and happiest mothers, regardless of their career choices, have achieved balance and serenity in their lives.

I think being loving, accepting, interested, responsive, and attentive to a child is far more important than what focusing on how many hours a day the child sees mommy. I have seen wonderful mothers and, what I consider, terrible mothers. They aren’t all stay-at-home mothers or work outside the home mothers. There are plenty of both to go around.

What will become of us when they’ve gone? A family love story

                                                     Gisela and Pablo Rodriguez

No one likes to think about death, whether it is their own or someone close to them. No one likes to think about the death of their parents, or their grandparents. In our family, that is especially true. We have been blessed with an amazing set of parents/grandparents, and the idea of them not being with us is almost too much to bear.

I am very fortunate that I still have both of my parents and they are in relatively good health. They are both in their mid seventies and we are a very, very, close family.

I am the older of two daughters, born to two immigrants. I was born in Washington, D.C. in the early 1960s, and my sister was born in Alexandria, Virginia, in 1969. We were NEVER a “regular” family in that I don’t ever remember knowing a family like ours.

My parents are two of the most hilarious, (though often, not on purpose) interesting, cultured, diverse, and warm people you would ever hope to meet. Seriously, they truly are. And to be lucky enough to be one of their children or grandchildren is beyond imaging. They are, for all their many faults and maddening idiosyncrasies, fun, generous, thoughtful and all-around wonderful. That doesn’t mean they didn’t have a part in the neurotic messes that we all are, but as we used to say, “We may be dysfunctional, but at least we know it!”

My parents came to the United States, from Germany (mother) and Cuba (father) in the late 1950s. They are self-made people who worked incredibly hard, but never lost their sense of humor (now remember my mother is German) or their optimism.  Their sacrifices and dedication enabled us to have the rich and full lives we are blessed to live.

                                                              Me, my father, my sister

Of all the wonderful gifts they gave us, the gift of optimism is probably the most valuable. Giving up or quitting was not an option. When faced with challenges or situations which seemed overwhelming, I often would ask my mother how to cope. She would look at me and say, “You don’t have a choice; you just have to keep on going.” Seems simplistic, but I understood what she meant and I have taken that advice on many dark and difficult days.

My father is the original “one man Mardi Gras” and we have been blessed to have inherited his gift of humor and absurdity. We may be loud, and can argue fiercely at times, but we laugh harder and louder than most families I have met. We laugh at life, ourselves, and one another; but not in a mean or spiteful way.

My parents are so incredibly different that there is NEVER, EVER, a dull moment. The most mundane experience is riddled with humor, and we are blessed to be able to laugh through tears- even when things are very tough. Every family goes through difficult, often heartbreaking, times and moments. We have had more than our share. But, we have always managed to cling together and work though the pain and grief. We laugh, we cry, we talk, we hug… and start all over again.
That is why the thought of losing them is so hard. Who will fill those shoes? How will we laugh without them? They both have their “role” in the family show!

                                                      Me, my granddaughter, my mother

Oh, the family “show”, as we call it. Everyone has their role and it has the funniest dialogue you can imagine. My mother is the often stern, but incredibly kind and protective, one. She truly is the lioness to my father’s lion. She will fight for her family and do anything to help one of us. She is the one who has been the rock of the family and held us all together, even when we didn’t want to be. She was the patient and sensible one when we weren’t so patient or sensible. She believed in all of us, even when we didn’t earn that belief. And though she may have been madder than hell, she has loved us and never lets us forget how much. Her “lines” aren’t meant to be funny, but somehow we all laugh in spite of how serious she tries to be.

My father is like no one else in the whole world. He is funny, handsome, talented, jovial, and ALWAYS positive. Yeah, yeah… everyone says that about their own father. But if you ask people who know him, they will verify this claim. He is just an incredibly unique, charming, and all-around marvelous person. My poor mother has often “lived in his shadow”, but only because he is so much larger than life, and she is the epitome of class, correctness, dignity, and style. She has let my father shine and be more than she has been, because she didn’t feel the need to compete or prove her worth. She knows who she is, and she is fine just as she is. A lesser woman could not have managed it with such grace. I admire and respect her for that.

                                                    My mother, Gisela Ullmann Rodriguez

My mother is a woman of immense self-respect and has done more good for other people in her life than most ever do. She has been very happy to be a dutiful wife and mother, AND a hard-working and successful professional as well. She was the SUPER MOM before being the Super Mom was cool. Even with a full-time job, she had dinner on the table EVERY NIGHT of the week. I could never live up to her achievements in her dedication to her family, but in reality, I don’t think she wanted me to. Her own example and they way she has lived her own life encouraged my sister and me to become interesting and knowledgeable people. We were “strongly” encouraged to study and work hard, and become whole and complete women.

The diversity in my household has provided us with enough funny stories, hilarious vignettes, and riotous memories to fill many books. Anyone who has experienced a meal with our family can testify to the colorful and often confusing banter. Even after being together for more than 50 years, my parents still have a great deal of miscommunication, which provides the audience with more than enough laughs to split your gut. Some of it is gender-driven, some of it is language-related, and most of it is just that they are as different as night and day. As I said, there is never a dull moment!

                                                             My father, Pablo Rodriguez

My family has been very fortunate to have been able to enjoy our close ties and the great fun we have with one another. We are a very odd and funny bunch. We fight hard, but we love even harder. We have all the other problems and issues that other families have, but we are very lucky to have a crazy, interesting, and never boring cast of characters that keep life very interesting.

I treasure all the memories and I hope we are blessed with many years to come with my parents. They aren’t just parents and grandparents to us. They are beloved friends whose company we will dearly miss someday when they aren’t with us any longer.

Detachment is not indifference, it is freedom

The past two years have been a steep personal growth point for me- a VERY STEEP growth point. I have come to understand many things about myself and the world around me. I have learned some very tough and difficult lessons about my life, the people who truly matter most in my life, and sadly, some who never did nor will. It hasn’t been easy, but it has allowed me to become a better person in every aspect of my life.

Detachment has a great deal to do with the growth I have experienced. Detachment from unhealthy thoughts, feelings, people, and activities has freed up my mind, heart, and time to explore and know a world of wonder. It took many years and a great deal of soul-searching and introspection to get where I am. Once I got it, I REALLY got it! Detachment is an amazing thing! So this is what real freedom feels like!

What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational

* Giving another person "the space" to be herself

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people

* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing

* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence

* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point

* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them

* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be"

* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you

-  from the Livestrong website

Detachment has given me a sense of peace and allowed me to release hurt and disappointment. It isn’t a deadening or denial of feelings. It is actually quite the opposite!

Detachment has cleared the way for me to remove myself from people and things that were holding me back, or drawing me into situations of drama and unhealthy and unbalanced relationships and situations. It was affecting my professional, as well as, my personal life. It’s okay that I can’t “FIX “everything and everyone around me. And on the flip side, I respect their right to their own way of feeling and acting. It isn’t my job to worry about everyone and every situation. It is my job to worry about my own actions and choices.

For many years, I was too trusting and accepting for my own good. I wanted to see things that either didn’t exist or I imagined possibility where there was none. I am a naturally optimistic person, but I have learned the hard way that there are going to be relationships and situations where people are just not going to understand, accept, like, appreciate or love me. And that is okay!  It is up to me to LOVE MYSELF.

   I found that I was emotionally investing in people I should not have.  I was allowing myself to be hurt over and over again. And for what? For whom? Really!!! WHY was I doing that to myself? I finally had that “AHA” moment and understood it was up to ME to finally realize that I can’t change others, I can only change myself. Establishing emotional boundaries was one of the greatest steps I have ever taken to get to the place of peace and happiness I have finally attained.

If others want to engage in "dramarific" and petty games because they are emotionally or intellectually incapable of having healthy relationships, so be it. I am not signing on for those kind of relationships anymore.
I wasted too many years of my life on situations/friendships/ relationships/people  that either wouldn’t or couldn’t give me the respect or consideration I deserved. It wasn’t up to me to FIX every situation! 
 
It has taken nearly all of my life to get here, but it was worth every minute. WhileI wish I could have gotten here sooner, the truly important thing is that I made it.

And of course there are still situations and people which cause me to feel negative feelings, emotions, and distress. I am only human. But I find these situations become less frequent and less powerful with each passing day.

It feels good to be in control of myself, my actions, my life and my choices without having to obsess or worry about those things in others.

Share the gift of wisdom and life experiences with loved ones

Imagine all of the knowledge and experience a person gains throughout their life as money in a bank account. At the beginning, there is very little, but by the end, there is usually a fortune in lessons learned.

Sharing life’s lessons is one of the greatest gifts parents can bestow on their children, even when the children are adults. Teaching and giving them counsel continues throughout their lives. The learning doesn’t end once they reach eighteen or twenty-one. There is always another valuable bit of information they can benefit from and another opportunity for insights they may have missed.

No two lives within a family will be exactly the same. Siblings may have had the same parents and experiences, but their life choices and paths may be quite unique. Adult children may take different paths or lifestyles than their parents. And there can be situations and circumstances in the children’s lives which mirror the experience of their parents. Common events like marriage, raising a family, and careers- are often shared. But, even in areas of life where parents have little or no experience, guidance and counsel can be important and welcomed.

A few subjects and occurrences can be too uncomfortable for some parents and adult children to discuss. Divorce, substance abuse problems, death of a spouse, loss of a job and financial problems are a few examples of issues that can cause a breakdown in communication due to feelings of discomfort and pain. But, these are examples of important and critical situations which can benefit by sharing life lessons and discussion.

Reaching out and giving advice to adult children is a great gift, but parents must understand that often their children may seem resistant or hesitant to change their opinions. Patience, love, and understanding are important things to embrace at these times. Leaving ego-based emotions out of the picture is critical for there to be successful interaction. Taking things too personally damages the opportunity for conveying the information and the most important part- the experience.

Being open and honest are key aspects in sharing knowledge with adult children. Expecting adult children to share their intimate feelings and fears is only viable if the parent is willing to share information and lessons which are equally personal. No one likes to feel that they are sharing and the other person is not doing the same. Being vulnerable and admitting fears, mistakes and lessons learned is not an easy task. Parents may feel that they are stepping down from a pedestal if they admit to mistakes or failures. In reality, these are exactly the moments when the parent and adult child can gain the most from one another and the lessons.

Discussing feelings of disappointment and loss to an adult child can feel very disconcerting at first- for both parties; but in time and with practice, it will seem less and less uncomfortable. The foundation should already exist, but this is the time where the most beautiful aspects of the relationship can be formed. While parents and children, of any age, are never 100% equal in the relationship dynamic, the intimacy and closeness these interactions create will bring parent and child to a level of closeness that is truly wonderful. The foundation of the relationship which was built in childhood will become a beautiful structure to be enjoyed for the remaining years together.

Keep in mind; one’s children are only truly “children” for the first eighteen years. The remaining years, which can be many, are the ones where the adult child/parent relationship will have the greatest opportunity to evolve into a beautiful, loving, giving, friendship.

Sharing pains and past disappointments with adult children can help to cement the strong bonds which began when they were young and parents seemed invincible. Adult children need to see their parents for the people they are, not the image the parent had when they were young. The image must be replaced with reality. Authenticity is the basis for building and sustaining the truthful and genuine relationship.

As more and more marriages now end in divorce, the parent/child relationship is often the most long-lasting, enduring, relationships of many people’s lives. Exploring, discussing, and sharing the life experiences with adult children is the greatest inheritance they can receive. They can benefit from the hard earned wisdom and the life lessoned their parents learned along the way.


This was orignially written for  Examiner.com

A reflection on loss - Life is loss

"He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness."  – Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

I think about loss a great deal. Some days, thoughts of loss consume me. And though thoughts of loss can be incredibly sad, they aren’t as depressing as they may seem. There are many degrees and levels of loss. I am one of those people who develops very strong attachments, so loss has been especially hard for me all of my life. Many people feel their losses much more deeply than others, but loss is a universal experience that every person on the planet has experienced. No one gets through life without loss.

When I think about loss, I grieve for lost loved ones and lost years. I think about beloved pets that have gone on. I mourn lost friendships, ruined relationships, former jobs and coworkers, and lost belongings. I wonder about people I haven’t seen for years and how they were once a part of my life… and now are not.

I also feel for friends and the losses they have experienced, the struggles they have endured, and the pain of dealing with disappointments and endings. My loved ones and I have shared many losses from death, divorce, change, and growth. In truth, nothing really stays the same for very long, and inevitably people and things get lost along the way.

"Who except the gods can live time through forever without any pain?"  - Aeschylus, Prometheus Bound

Sometimes I think of my younger self, when I was raising small children. The world seemed very small then and I had my whole life ahead of me. Since those days, there have been small losses and unbearable tragedies to bear. Losses we never expected nor could have imagined. And yet, we survived. A very wise therapist once told me something I will never forget. “Life is loss.” I have thought of those three tiny words so very often, and the incredible weight in their truth. Yes, life is loss, and once you understand the inevitability of that fact- you are able to find the lesson and the hope you need to accept it.

Sorrow prepares you for joy.

It violently sweeps everything
out of your house, so that new
joy can find space to enter.

It shakes the yellow leaves
from the bough of your heart,
so that fresh, green leaves can
grown in their place.

It pulls up rotten roots,
so that new roots hidden
beneath have room to grow.

Whatever sorrow shakes from
your heart, far better things
will take their place.
- Rumi

Change is inevitable, but it isn’t always easy to understand or accept. I don’t just mourn the loss of life of friends and family. I also feel the incredible loss of lost time and wasted moments that can never be regained.

And although I think on loss a great deal, I am not hopeless nor am I depressed. I have come to understand and accept it; I live with it, and I deal with my losses- great and small. I do not allow loss to consume me. It is a teacher and a guide. My losses remind me of who I am and where I have been; and my losses guide my future decisions and choices. I do not dwell in misery or despair. I accept that loss is a huge part of life, but it is NOT every part of life.

"... even out of unspeakable grief, beautiful things take wing."  - A.R. Torres, The Lessons of Loss

The pain of losing people and things, that I have truly loved, reminds me to cherish the people and things I still have right now. Loss has taught me to appreciate what I still have and what is yet to come.

The kids AREN'T alright- Why getting wasted with the kids is never a good idea

Photo: Charlottesville Police Department/AP

If you live in the Commonwealth of Virginia, you can’t miss all the coverage of the tragic murder case where two young people attending the University of Virginia were caught up in a volatile and finally, lethal relationship.

It is a sad and sick story, even more so because it is a story that could happen to any family, under the same circumstances. In this case, it occurred in a family of financial and societal means.  The Huguely family had everything going for them, by our current standards of success and good fortune. He was nice looking, smart, athletic, privileged. So, how does something like this happen to a family? Is it environment, culture, genes, or a deadly combination of them all?

What happened?
The young man, George Huguely V, is on trial for murdering his former girlfriend, apparently in a drunken rage. Reading the accounts in the newspapers of his massive alcohol consumption and drinking habits is disturbing by itself.

Even more disturbing is the information that on at least occasion, he was drinking with his father, George IV; and on another occasion with his mother. Perhaps this is considered normal in many families, and if that is the case, I think there is more to worry about than college high- jinx and partying. Parents take note: many of you are NOT going to like some of the things I am going to say, but perhaps you may need to listen.

Getting loaded with the parents
I am truly disturbed by the sad details that have emerged from this trial. In addition to being shocked by the amount of drinking that is going on in the lives of college students, the worst and most damaging part of this tragedy is that the parents were at best, enablers, at worst, accomplices.  

Clearly the culture of alcohol abuse and addiction is passed from generation to generation, not only through genes, but by the messages and values these parents are imparting on their kids. Perhaps the parents, and this is clearly speculation on my part, as I do not know any of the parties involved- are so steeped in their own alcoholism that they failed to recognize the serious warning signs in their son’s behavior.

Perhaps it is simply the culture of boozing and getting plastered so you can let your inhibitions out in a very button-downed, WASPish environment. I know of families who engage in what I consider outrageous drinking with their adult children and I have very strong opinions about it. I am not going to get on a pedestal and say that they are being bad parents. I don’t have to. The proof is in the pudding.

Time and time again there are instances that come to light about parents who allow their children, even encourage them, to drink to excess. Some of them have been famous- politicians, celebrities, sports personalities. Now and again there are articles or news stories about everyday “regular” families where this happens. The kids get in trouble, and upon further investigation, it is discovered that they were partying with the parents.



The death of common sense or generational problems?
This leads us to ponder, what are these parent’s thinking? Clearly there are some very serious family dynamics to investigate, but we will leave that to the mental health professionals. Many parents don’t have proper boundaries with their children and want to “be their friends” more than they want to play a parental role.

And last but not least, the addiction issue. If mom and dad can’t monitor or control their own alcohol use, how are they going to be able to have a clear and objective view of Junior, or in this case, the fifth’s alcohol use or abuse?

Lessons learned
So here we have a beautiful young woman, brutally killed in the prime of life by a young man with everything to live for, who is now most likely going to spend the rest of his days behind bars. Being drunk out of your mind is not a legal defense. Many people don’t realize that important legal reality. Just because you were drunk does not negate responsibility.

Such a waste of two young lives, and for what? It’s all fun and games until someone gets killed. How many people die every year as a result of young people, or their parents, being drunk behind the wheel of a car? It is a wakeup call when it happens, but then… it’s too late.

Too late for some, but not for others
I hope and pray that this case will be the wakeup call for many of these college kids and their indulgent and reckless parents.
Parents- please stop getting drunk with your kids. Kids- please get the clue that just because mom and dad do it doesn’t mean it is right or okay. Be man, or woman, enough to see that excessive drinking and alcohol abuse is no way to deal with life or problems or societal pressure. If everyone at the country club is shitfaced, be an individual and save yourself, and your future kids, some heartache.

If you find that you can’t stop or you need support outside your family, there are places you can go for encouragement and support in a sober life. Don’t wait until something horrible happens, because it usually does.

Boylan Heights bar at center of U-Va. drinking scene - The Washington Post

What I've learned from watching "Downton Abbey"

I am a huge fan of British period shows and movies. Let me repeat it for emphasis- I AM A HUGE FAN of British period shows and movies!  I have watched “Sense and Sensibility” more times than I can recall, and am teased about it by my family.  

I started watching PBS Masterpiece Theater as a pre-teen and have followed it religiously over the years. I have worshiped at the church of Anglophile television with a passionate fervor that most people can’t begin to understand.  I don’t know what it is about the British that appeals to me so much. To my knowledge, I don’t have a drop of British blood in my veins.  So you can only imagine the joy and excitement I experienced upon embarking on my “Downton Abbey” experience.

For those who have been living in a cave for the last year and haven’t, shudder, heard about “Downton Abbey”, I will enlighten you now.

"A star-studded cast (Dame Maggie Smith, Hugh Bonneville, Elizabeth McGovern, Brendan Coyle, Dan Stevens) round out the glittering, gossipy, and beguiling men and women of this epic tale!

After a tragedy at sea claims the life of the presumed heir, Lord Crawley is faced with the possibility that the house he's loved his whole life might someday belong to a distant cousin he's never met. But before that can happen he must deal with his scandalous daughter, Lady Mary - considered by many to be the rightful heir to Downton. Even the staff has opinions on the family's affairs. And while most are devoted to the Crawleys, there are others whose selfishness and scheming do more than simply disrupt the well-oiled inner workings of the estate. As the servants' mischief escalates, even the most faithful employees begin to imagine a different life.

Pitting hundreds of years of British aristocracy against the tides of social upheaval and technical progress, under the looming shadow of World War I, will the fate of Downton and its family - above and below stairs - be resolved? Or will life be altered so dramatically that its master no longer matters? " - PBS website

The many hours I spent watching “Downton Abbey” were a wonderful escape into another world, another era, another culture. But what truly moved me about the series was the emphasis on the value of ties that bind people together, year after year, through hardships and triumphs.

The servant-master relationships are very difficult to relate to or fathom from an American, twentieth century perspective. The turn of the century was a harsh and unforgiving time and place in which to live, especially for the poor and uneducated.

The show was balanced in portraying both the wealthy and privileged, and lowly and poor alike with character flaws.  The rich folk were portrayed as mostly kind and fair, and servants were shown to have just as many character flaws and evil intentions as the wealthy, titled crowd. I found that to be refreshing and more sophisticated than many programs or movies which portray servants and poor people as completely free of malice or misdeeds.

“Downton Abbey” has a wealth of fascinating lessons and great deep insights to impart. I will list a few:

Lesson #1- If you are going to marry for money, make sure you can tolerate the person on some level.

Lesson #2- If a doctor tells you that you will never walk again, make sure you get a second opinion.

Lesson #3- Servants have much more interesting lives than their masters.

Lesson #4- Having only daughters can be an expensive proposition. Especially when they can’t inherit any of the money or titles upon your death.

Lesson #5- Greedy, scheming, and nasty people will get what’s coming to them in the end.

Lesson #6- Dowager Countesses get all the really awesome lines!

Lesson #7- Class matters, especially in times of war and hunger, but it can’t protect you from tragedy.

Lesson #8- Sometimes the chauffer gets the heiress, but not usually.

Lesson #9- Watching outrageously wealthy people attempt to perform mundane tasks is endlessly amusing.

Lesson #10- Being the father of three spoiled, indulged, daughters is a challenge, even if you have a castle.

The greatest one of all: Lesson #11- Good, loyal friends and family bonds and are the things that truly get us through the difficulties and trials of life.

“Downton Abbey” may not appeal to everyone at first glance, but I promise it has entertainment value beyond the historical and cultural. There is plenty of humor and universally understood emotions that most people will be able to understand and appreciate.

Praise for Downton Abbey

"An instant classic."
The New York Times

"Compulsively watchable from the get-go."
Variety

       "Impossible to resist."
  Wall Street Journal